


My Devotion

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: All Roads Lead to Spirk, Augment, Bottom Jim, Death Threats, Epic Bromance, Eventual Spirk, Friends to Lovers, Gay Romance, Gay Sex, Love, Love denial, M/M, Possessive Spock, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Protective Spock, References to Torture, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Top Spock, deep friendship, revival
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:34:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 60,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5759629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jim is released from the hospital after being revived from death, he is befriended by Spock Prime, who is the only one he knows who has had a similar experience. He is having trouble dealing with coming back from the dead. Along the way, Jim and those around him discover someone is out to get him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spock Prime

**Author's Note:**

> This was started before Star Trek Beyond, so it ignores the events of that movie. 
> 
> It will also be in first person but with several characters sharing first person. There will be Spock Prime, Jim, Spock, and possibly others. This is not a romance between Jim and Spock Prime but it is a love story in that they will have a very deep love through their friendship. The romance will be with younger Spock, eventually, but it will be slow to start out with but become epic and deep by the end.

I stood so long at the door of his apartment with no response I began to believe he had no intention of opening the door. I had been told he was there. That he had nowhere else to go, nowhere he was allowed to go, at least not yet, unaccompanied.

I had a sense he was watching me out the peephole which was at eye level. Trying to decide, no doubt, whether he wished to be bothered by an elderly version of his first officer.

The door finally opened a crack, just when I had considered turning away and leaving. A huff of breath.

“It’s you.” The words came out deep and raspy, his voice perhaps ill-used.

Since it was obvious it was myself, I knew no logical response to that and so left it unanswered.

He opened it just wide enough to allow me entry. “Come in then.”

Not the warmest welcome I’d ever had but acceptable.

When I had entered the apartment he closed and locked the door, peering through the peephole as he did so, rather suspiciously.

“I assure you I came alone.”

His blue eyes flashed toward me, electric in their intensity. His blond hair was messy as though he’d just risen.

“Did I wake you?”

He shook his head, looking plainly miserable.

Which caused me to take several step towards him. “Are you in pain?”

He started at my approach, as he once had many months ago now. “Not exactly.” His tongue came then and traced along his lips. For a moment he raised his arms like he intended to hug me, but then they dropped to his side like he had recalled himself.

I glanced around, noting that the lights were very dim and in some spots in the apartment not on at all. “You are living a mole’s life now?”

“What?” He stared at me. Very slowly he nodded. “Oh. Right. Lights fifty percent.”

The lights brightened instantly making the apartment look much cheerier than before.

“With just me it doesn’t seem to matter.” He gave me a slight smile. The first real sign of life, actually. He stepped around me and headed for the kitchen and I followed him there. On the counter was a bottle of alcohol. Rum from the looks of it. He had a glass next to it which looked so far untouched. “Want a drink?”

“I do not regularly consume alcohol,” I replied. “But if you have tea that would not be unwelcome.”

“Yeah, sure.” He lifted the bottle and removed the top and went to pour it into the glass, but suddenly paused. To my surprise, he lowered it without pouring from it. “Maybe I’d better have tea as well.”

I watched as he turned away and located a teakettle which he filled with water from the tap.

“This apartment seems nice,” I said, conversationally.

“It suits a purpose.”

“Jim—”

His shoulders tensed as he placed the kettle on the stove and turned the electric burner on. “It’s weird, isn’t it?”

“What is weird, Jim?”

“I don’t know. Everything? I didn’t expect…I mean…I guess I don’t know.”

I had a sense of what he struggled with, what he found difficult to deal with, but I wanted him to voice his concerns himself, rather than supplying him with it.

Instead his gaze slid away from me and he went to the cabinet to take out teacups.

“This place came furnished,” Jim told me. “Even with the dishes and stuff. I mean, I guess, eventually I’ll be up in space again, right?”

“I would assume so.”

“There’s no point then in getting and furnishing my own place.”

“Probably not,” I provided the agreement he seemed to require. “I was surprised you did not choose to room with Dr. McCoy or Spock.”

“I want to live on my own.” There was the barest tick of muscle in his jaw. “God knows Bones is here enough anyway.”

“Do you get many visitors?” I asked casually.

Jim’s lips curved ever so slightly at the corners. “I’m fairly sure you know I’m not allowing any visitors. Except Bones, and since he’s my doctor, I have no choice.”

“You have allowed me.”

“Don’t make me regret it.” He leaned against the kitchen counter. For all he’d been out of the hospital a mere three days, during which he’d been recovering from his ‘demise’ as he’d charmingly put it in the hospital when I’d gone to see him, Jim looked quite healthy and robust. He seemed taller than before though I knew he was not. He wore a navy colored V-neck t-shirt that molded to his body and managed to accentuate his toned biceps and go with his incredible eyes all at the same time. He wore low slung blue jeans which were indecently tight.

“I would not dream of making you regret it,” I replied honestly.

The tea water whistled and he straightened from the counter to pour steaming water into the two cups. He added clear tea pouches which showed tea leaves, dried fruit and spices.

“Have you eaten?”

“No. It was my intention to eat with you.”

The uptick of the lips again. “Good. I could use the company.”

“I am quite certain you would have any number of visitors if you would allow it. Several members of your crew expressed interest when I revealed my plan to see you.”

“I’m not up to being on display,” Jim said softly. “There was enough of that at the hospital.”

“I am certain crew members do not view it that way.”

He handed me my now steeped tea. “You mean Spock.”

I acknowledged such with a tilt of my head. “He did express disappointment that he was among those you refused to see.”

“Vulcans don’t feel disappointment.”

“And we both know, you and I, that is not at all true.”

Jim shrugged. “Anyway, I think refusing is overstating. I’ve just expressed a reluctance to see him. It’s not the same thing.”

“Very well. Your reasons are your own, of course. But I do urge you to reconsider because he is concerned for your welfare.”

“Don’t tell me he sent you here to be his champion?”

“He did not,” I replied. “He has not spoken to me directly about you at all. However, as he is my younger self I feel certain I can declare his thoughts with some certainty.”

Jim shook his head. “You and he are different. In so many ways. Just as I’m different than your Kirk.”

“Yes. And no.”

Jim picked up his own teacup. It looked dainty and fragile in his big hands. He took a sip. “I’m grateful for what Spock did for me. Bones and Uhura, too. But I need some time. To…process all of this.”

“I can understand that,” I advised. “But in doing so I would urge you to refrain from shutting everyone out.”

“I’m not. I mean.” He paused and flashed me a full blown grin. “You’re here, aren’t you?”

I resisted the smile tugging at my lips in response. It had always been difficult for me to resist James Kirk in any timeline or universe. This one was certainly no different. He was beautiful and had an incredibly appealing vulnerability.

“I am indeed,” I replied by way of acknowledgement.

“What do you want to eat for dinner anyway?” Jim asked. “I don’t have much here. A little bit of ground meat left from the hamburger I had last night. Bones screamed at me for that for about an hour.”

“He is concerned for your health.”

“Hmm. A couple of eggs, maybe some potatoes. Oranges.” Jim shrugged. “There’s a market just on the corner. Or we could go out or order in.”

“Let’s order in,” I said. “There is an Italian place not far from here that delivers.”

Jim gave me a quizzical look. “You like Italian food?”

“It is a taste I acquired from my time with Jim.”

****

Jim ended up ordering spaghetti with marinara sauce and garlic bread. I answered the door myself when I saw him reach for his phaser. It was a strange reaction to be sure when he had placed the order himself, but then Jim had died. It was a strange experience, as I knew myself.

I said nothing as I brought the container of spaghetti marinara to the table together with the bag of garlic bread. He had placed plates and forks on the table with tall glasses of iced water.

“How long are you staying on Earth?” Jim asked as he wound spaghetti around his fork.

“I specifically came to visit with you,” I explained.

“So you could go back any time?”

I got the sense he both wanted and dreaded for me to leave.

“I am in no special hurry to return to New Vulcan. Everything is currently stable there.”

Jim nodded and ate several bites before he spoke again. He had just chewed a bite of the bread, when he said, “Where are you staying?”

“A small place provided me on the campus of Starfleet headquarters.”

Jim pursed his lips. “Is it comfortable?”

“It is acceptable. It includes a bed and a bathroom.”

“No kitchen or anything?”

“Negative.” I put on my most mournful Vulcan face. “It is adequate.”

Jim drummed his fingers on the table for a few minutes. He ate the rest of his garlic bread without further comment and for a moment I thought perhaps I miscalculated. He took a sip of the water in front of him and carefully wiped his mouth.       

“There’s another bedroom here,” Jim said slowly, reluctantly.

“Are you offering for me to use it while I am on Earth?” I asked, wasting no opportunity.

Jim gave a little sigh. “Um. Yeah. Sure.  Okay.”

I tried not to show how pleased I was. “If you insist.”

He blinked at me. Shook his head. “I insist, yeah.”

“I will go and get my things after dinner.”

He frowned. “You don’t want me to go with you, do you?”

Since he looked as though he’d rather arm wrestle a Klingon, I graciously replied, “That will not be necessary, Jim.”

****

My meditation was interrupted by one of the most awful cries I had ever heard. I scrambled to my feet from my 'too old to make it quickly' knees. I rushed from the second bedroom in Jim’s apartment to his bedroom and opened his door without a moment’s hesitation.

The room was dark but I think I could detect his body sitting up in bed.

“Lights to full,” I declared.

The room burst into full brightness. Jim, bare from the waist up, was sitting up in bed, gasping for air. His eyes were wide, frightened, and large in his pale face. I could see the sheen of sweat on his forehead.

I went to him in an instant. “Jim? Jim? It is I.”

His gaze remained unfocused, his whole body shook. I gave his arm a little pat.

“Jim?”

With a shake of his head, he suddenly turned his head toward me, his blue eyes at last regaining focus on my face.

“Are you in there?” I asked gently.

“Spock,” he whispered.

“Yes.”

He swallowed, his tongue came out, then he looked away. “I hate sleeping.”

“A nightmare?”

Jim nodded.

“Do you recall it?”

“I die. In flames. I feel it on my skin.”

I reached out to put my hand on his shoulder. He tensed at my touch, but he did not move away. “You do not like to be touched?” It was the opposite of my Jim, who always craved touch.

“No,” Jim replied. “I do. I did. Before. Now? I both dread and crave it. It’s…I can’t explain it.”

“You are fortunate in that you have before you someone who knows exactly what it is like to die and be revived.”

His gaze flew to mine, his lips parted in shock. The words seemed stuck in his throat. He opened his mouth several times to ask, but he seemed to be unable to do so.

I nodded. “Indeed.” 


	2. Jim

When I came out of my bedroom showered and dressed I smelled the unmistakable aroma of bacon. I could even hear it sizzling from the direction of the kitchen. As I pulled my charcoal grey V-neck T-shirt over my head I glanced toward the door of the other bedroom to note it was open.

“Spock?” I called out as I approached the kitchen.

The old Vulcan turned from the stove where he was cooking bacon in a skillet. Next to that skillet were fried potatoes. He had four eggs sitting on the counter. He must have noticed my eyes bugging out because he seemed amused.

“Good morning, Jim.”

“Are you actually cooking bacon? Scratch that, because duh. You are. But…Spock, aren’t you—you eat vegetarian, right? Or is that different where you’re from too?”

“It is not different. I am a vegetarian. You are not. I am making the bacon for you.” Spock stepped away from the stove to gesture to my coffeemaker. “It has already finished brewing. Cream and sugar, correct?”

I nodded, torn between being amused at his knowing my preferences and also a little freaked out. I accepted the coffee he handed to me in an oversized mug, which smelled a little bit like vanilla.

“How did you get bacon? I didn’t have any.”

“I paid a visit to the store on the corner this morning after you returned to sleeping. I purchased a number of items that we required.”

“Oh.” I took a sip of the coffee. Tasted like vanilla too. “How’d you know…you know what? Never mind.”

“I am certain it does take some getting used to.”

“What does?”

“How much you actually do have in common with my captain,” Spock said. “I am aware you believe you are nothing alike. There are differences, certainly, shaped by your differing life experiences, but many things are the same.” He gestured toward the table. “Have a seat. I will bring you your breakfast.”

I went to sit and I watched him crack the eggs over the pan. He made them over easy without even asking me how I preferred them and once more I found the notion unsettling.

“Do you require toast?”

“I don’t require anything.”

“I disagree,” the elderly Vulcan said. “Dr. McCoy mentioned when you were still in the hospital that you needed to eat to keep getting stronger.”

“No toast.”

He brought over a plate of eggs, potatoes and bacon, then went into my refrigerator for something. He came back out carrying a tall glass of chilled tomato juice, which he also set beside my plate.

“What are you doing?” I asked as he took the seat next to me. He had not fixed himself a plate of food. He had brought himself a cup of tea.

“I am sitting having tea with you while you eat breakfast.”

“Obtuse doesn’t look good on you.”

“Clarify,” he said, rather primly. I had noticed when Vulcans got offended, which they never admitted to, they got all prim and snooty.

I sighed and cut up some of the egg to eat. “How come you aren’t eating anyway?”

“I had a wheatgrass smoothie for breakfast.”

I couldn’t stop the grimace from appearing. “What the fuck?”

He shrugged. “It was good.”

“But you made all this for me?” I shook my head. “Really. What are you doing?”

“I do not understand the question.”

I chewed a piece of bacon. “I didn’t say you could live with me so that you’d be my cook.”

“I am aware of that.”

“Are you? Cause I sure as hell don’t need a caregiver, old man.”

“Perhaps not. However, it pleases me to care for you. In my old age, you would think you could do me the favor of allowing it. I do not have many years left, Jim.”

I snorted. “Are you seriously using that on me? Get real.”

“I am being real when I say it pleases me to care for your needs while I stay with you,” Spock said quietly. “It costs little effort on my part to ensure you are eating and satisfied. Forgive me, but you died recently and I am still becoming accustomed to the positive outcome of your being revived.”

I lowered my gaze to my plate of food. “Me, too.”

“How does the food taste?” he asked with far more gentleness than I likely deserved.

“Good.” I raised my gaze to his and saw only warmth there. Something I was unaccustomed to seeing in my first officer’s eyes. Or any Vulcan’s really. “Really good, actually. Thank you.”

“You are welcome, Jim.”

For a moment I ate in silence while he just watched me, quietly sipping his tea. But what he’d said to me last night when I’d woke up from my nightmare still hung between us. After the nightmare and his cryptic statement, Spock had brought me some tea—a special blend to help me sleep—and had refused to say much more than he’d said at the time.

I had pretty much finished everything he’d given me for breakfast, when I finally said, “So, you died?”

Probably a weird conversation starter but what could be weirder than two of us sitting here with similar experiences, anyway?

“Yes,” he said simply. And in such a tone as to suggest it was common to die every day and to come back to life.

“Like…during a mission?”

He waited until I met his gaze over the rim of my coffee cup. His lips ticked up just a little. Not enough to be a smile, but clear it was amusement. “Fixing the warp core.”

I stared at him, with my mouth open, catching flies. “You-you faced him, didn’t you?”

“We did, yes.” Spock lowered his teacup. “More than once as a matter of fact.”

“Yeah?”

“The first time he took over the Enterprise with his crew after we unknowingly revived them. If not for the intervention of Lieutenant McGivers going against her lover, Jim would have died.”

“So he was always a bastard.”

“Indeed. The second time was many years later. He blamed Jim and the rest of us I suppose for what became of him and his followers. He attempted to destroy our ship and I made the sacrifice.”

“Yet here you are,” I pointed out.

“As are you,” he returned.

I bit my lip and drained my coffee. I rose from the table to pour myself another cup. He remained seated, and after I made the coffee the way I liked it, I turned back toward him, leaning against the counter.

“Was it Khan’s blood?”

“Negative. There are many ways in which our battle with Khan was not similar to your own experience. Jim and the rest of the crew mourned me and my coffin was released into space. Fortunately, it managed to land on a planet created by a program known as Genesis where I was ultimately revived.” Spock got up from the table and took my plate to the sink to rinse.

“Genesis?”

“A life forming program created by Dr. Carol Marcus.”

I frowned. “Carol? She created it?”

“Along with her son.”

I blinked and shook my head. “She had a son?”

“Indeed. As did Jim.”

It took a moment for that to sink in. But when it did, “Wait. What? I had a son? With Carol? I mean, Jim. He had a son.”

“Yes, in my timeline, Jim met Carol much earlier than you met Dr. Marcus and under different circumstances. Admiral Marcus was not what he was in this timeline.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m getting a headache.”

Spock turned toward me. Before I had a chance to react or protest even, his hand was on my face, as it once has before. “Here. It will be easier.”

Flashes of memories hit me, hard and fast, at ever increasing rapid speed. By the time his hand dropped from my face I was gasping. Once more tears streamed down my face.

“Jesus. You call that easier?”

“It will fade in a moment.” He still stood near me, his hand on my arm, a comforting touch that I needed.

After a moment, I nodded that I was all right. “That’s a lot to take in.”

“I am aware.”

“Bones got your katra?”

“Indeed.”

I smiled. “If he was anything like mine I can imagine how that went over.”

“He is remarkably similar,” Spock replied. “How is your head?”

“A little achy. Not bad though.” I stared intently. “You-you didn’t tell me before.”

“What did I not tell you?”

“That you and your Jim were…” I took a deep breath. “More than friends.”

“For the most part I believe it is beneficial for you to choose your own path, Jim. It does not and should not reflect ours in the exact same fashion. I have the paradox of wishing you to know certain elements but also providing you with too much information at the same time.”

“Yeah,” I said quietly. “I’m well aware that things are not the same. Remember? When you and I first met, Spock still hated me.”

“I do not believe he ever truly hated you, Jim.”

“Oh, he did. As much as his Vulcanness will allow him to hate, anyway. I’m under no delusion there. And then he learned to tolerate me. Mostly because he had to. And now? Yeah, I think we’re friends. Cautiously.”

“Based on my observations of him during your convalescence I believe he cares a great deal for you,” the elderly Vulcan insisted.

“Well.” I shrugged. “I’m definitely grateful for what he did for me. I wouldn’t even be here if he hadn’t gone chasing after Khan. I guess he and I are even.”

“Even, Jim?”

“I saved his life out of the Volcano and now he’s saved mine. That makes us square, I guess.” I smiled and lifted my sweet, creamy coffee to my lips. “I suppose that’s a bit of a weird concept for Vulcans.”

“It is, yes.”

“Anyway, he admitted we were friends and that was about as much as I can expect.” What this Spock and that Jim had? It was never going to happen for us. This timeline had way too many differences. And yet…I stupidly ached for the loss of something I had never even had. It was really idiotic.

“When we were your ages, we were not together,” Spock said. “It took us many years to admit to our romantic feelings.”

I laughed. “Well, I don’t have a romantic bone in my body, so I don’t have to worry about all of that.” I forced a brighter smile than I felt. “Why don’t you go sit down or meditate or something? I’ll clean up the kitchen. I think Bones is due to arrive any time to check on me.”

“I am able to clean the kitchen if you would rather rest.”

“Rest? I don’t need to rest. That’s practically all I do. I’m not an invalid, you know.”

“I do know that, Jim. But neither do I want you to overtax yourself.”

“A few dishes aren’t going to overtax anyone,” I maintained stubbornly. I gestured to the doorway of the kitchen. “Out.”

I was halfway through the dishes when my PADD beeped. I went to the dining table where I’d left it to see it was a message from Bones.

_On My Way._

I sighed, shook my head. Every day Bones came. Sometimes more than once a day. I was about to turn away when another message came through.

_Be Warned_.

With a frown, I typed out, _Why?_

_Hobgoblin alert._

_What does that mean?_

_It means, genius, I’m not coming alone._

Fuck.

I began to type furiously.

_Bones, I told you I don’t want any visitors._

_You try saying no to Spock. It’s not easy._

Fuck.

_Spock’s already here. The old one. Can’t you tell him no?_

_I’m your doctor, not your secretary._

_Bones._

_Answer the door._

_What?_

The doorbell rang.


	3. Spock Prime

“Jim?” I walked into the kitchen. “There is a visitor at the door.”

Jim’s gaze skittered across the kitchen landing nowhere in particular. “I know. It’s Bones.”

“Shall I open the door for him?”

“And Spock.”

There was a slight tremor to his voice that clued me in that my younger self’s presence wasn’t exactly welcome. Though Jim had indicated he was grateful to his first officer and that they were friends, I recognized that for Jim, at least, there was something beyond friendship and he did not care for it one bit.

“Should I tell them to leave?” I asked as the doorbell persisted.

“No.” He sighed. “Bones would give me hell for that. I’ll be out in a moment.”

With a nod, I exited the kitchen and went to the door of Jim’s apartment.

“It’s about time,” Leonard McCoy grumbled. His scowl slipped a little upon gazing at me. “Oh. It’s you.”

“It is indeed. Won’t you come in?”

Leonard brushed past me and into that apartment. There were times this Leonard reminded me very much of my own Dr. McCoy. He did not have the kind blue eyes, but his care and protectiveness of those that were important to him, Jim in particular, was much the same.

Standing still as a statue in the hallway was my young counterpart. Here of all the beings in this timeline, this one, this haughty young Vulcan who did not know his place in the world, was perhaps most like I had been at his age. Though his expression had not changed since I opened the door I could detect the barest hint of irritation.

“I was unaware of your presence at the captain’s apartment.”

“Ah. Well. Now you know. Are you coming inside or is it your plan to stand in the hallway?”

Those familiar dark eyes narrowed very slightly. “I am coming in.”

“Where’s Jim?” Leonard demanded.

“I’m here,” Jim said, coming out of the kitchen. He was clutching a mug of coffee.

Spock’s gaze went immediately to him and stayed there, with unmistakable intensity.     

Leonard held up his medical bag. “Bedroom?”

Jim nodded. “All right.” He headed toward his room with Leonard following.

I was fascinated to see that Spock had taken two steps as though to follow as well. Then he stopped and turned his gaze to me.

“When did you arrive to visit the captain?” he asked.

“Yesterday afternoon.”

“Yesterday?”

“As you are aware I came to San Francisco with the express purpose of visiting with Jim during his recovery. I have little other duties while here to occupy myself. Since he has been released from the hospital coming here seemed prudent.”

Spock blinked as though he were trying to process all that I’d said. “Your familiarity with him is troubling.”

“Meaning?”

“Your easy use of his name.”

“Ah. Well. He is not my captain. And I do not believe Jim would appreciate my calling him Mr. Kirk.”

My young counterpart almost scowled and then seemed to think better of it, his expression remaining smooth. “So after you visited yesterday afternoon, you returned this morning?”

“Indeed not. At my age I do not like to do excessive traveling. I remained with Jim through dinner and then stayed the night. I made him breakfast this morning.”

Spock’s eyes widened slightly and his gaze flew to the door of Jim’s bedroom.

“As you will note, there are two bedrooms,” I said with extreme politeness.

Spock’s cheeks turned slightly green, but he returned his gaze to me. “And when do you plan to depart?”

“I do not know. I suppose that is up to Jim. If he will allow me to stay here with him, I will give up the space I was given at Starfleet Headquarters.”

“You misunderstand,” he said coolly. “I referred to your departure from Earth.”

I did not take offense. I knew well enough from our mutual time at the hospital hovering over Jim that Spock was jealously possessive over his time spent with Jim.

“Oh, I do not imagine I will be leaving for a while yet.”

“Leaving? What’s this about leaving?” Jim had come out of the bedroom now, his hair adorably mussed. He was pulling down his gray t-shirt, his abdomen still currently exposed and I could not deny that both Vulcans in the room stared at his bare skin.

“I was simply querying about when my counterpart would be departing for New Vulcan, Captain.”

His blue eyes shifted from Spock to me. “Not too soon I hope.”

“My plan is to stay as long as I am welcome by you, Jim.”

Jim smiled. “Good. I don’t want you going anywhere soon. You make a mean breakfast.”

Leonard came out of the bedroom carrying his medical bag. He squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “Why don’t you have a seat? I’ll bring you some tea.”

Spock stepped forward, rather aggressively I thought. “Is the Captain all right?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. Just a little weak and sleep deprived.” Leonard looked to me. “Jim says you’re staying with him.”

I tried not to show my pleasure at this, having anticipated I would have had to talk Jim into allowing me to stay more than the one night. “That is correct.”

“I want him to stick with herbal tea for now instead of the coffee. And I am leaving him with some vitamin supplements. Can you make sure he gets those?”

“In the form of hyposprays, by the way.” Jim lowered himself into a nearby plush chair with a grimace. Spock had moved toward him, now hovering over him too obviously. Jim eyed him with narrowed blue eyes but said nothing.

“I will definitely make sure I stick to your instructions, Doctor.” I hesitated but then said, “He is suffering from nightmares.”

Spock turned his sharp gaze toward me.

“Yeah,” Leonard said. “He told me. I’m leaving a sleep aid with him too. Let me get that tea.”

As Leonard moved toward the kitchen, I sat on the couch, on the seat closest to Jim’s chair. I rested my hand on his knee, aware of Spock watching with disapproval.

“Why don’t you sit, Spock?” I finally asked as he continued to stand guard over Jim like a sentinel.

“I prefer to stand. I cannot stay long. I just wished to ensure the Captain was improving.”

Jim leaned his head back to look up at Spock. “Where you off to?”

“I am meeting Nyota for lunch.”

“Oh.” Jim licked his lips and smiled. “Tell her I said hi.”

If you did not read Jim Kirk as I did, you would never have noticed the crestfallen look in his eyes just then. But I knew Jim better than anyone. Better than this Spock did certainly. There might come a time, if he wised up, that he would know Jim better than even I did, but that time had not come. And he did not seem to read the devastation in his captain as I did.

Leonard returned with Jim’s tea which he handed to him. He was exceptionally gentle with Jim, even more so than my own McCoy had been with my Jim. I suspected this Jim needed it more. We all had an urge to treat him with exceptional care. Every one of us was quite aware he had not had that when younger in life.

Spock stared down at Jim with just a bit of trepidation and I thought perhaps he had noticed Jim’s mood more than I had thought. “If you would prefer I stay, I will change my plans,” Spock said.

“No, it’s fine. I’m not really up for a lot of visitors anyway,” Jim said softly, sipping from the tea Leonard had brought him.

Spock nodded. “Very well. I will return later this evening for chess?”

When Jim opened his mouth I was certain he was going to say no, so I squeezed his knee. His gaze flicked briefly to me.

“Okay, sure,” Jim said instead. Then came that smile I knew to be false. I knew his real smiles. “Sounds great.”  


	4. Spock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock's first chapter

“You aren’t eating much.”

I nodded absently. Stuck my fork into a bit of salad and lifted it to my mouth. I admittedly had no appetite. Nor any desire to linger over lunch. I had agreed to the lunch because Nyota had declared that since we have been Earth bound we have barely seen each other.

I could not deny the truth of her words. I had spent most of my time since the destruction of the Enterprise at Starfleet Medical while the Captain was revived and when I had not been there I was at Headquarters facing questions about the Marcus-Khan affair. I had arranged it so the Captain did not need to be bothered by the questions while he was in recovery.

“Spock.” Nyota spoke loudly as though she had said my name several times.

My gaze rose to hers. “Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

“I can think of no particular complaints at present.”

Nyota sighed but she was smiling. “You saw Kirk today?”

I nodded.

“I can still hardly believe all of that happened. And that he’s alive.”

Only practiced Vulcan control kept me from wincing. Illogically I did not wish to think of the reason the Captain was recovering. He’d sacrificed everything for us, his crew, facing certain death. And yet there was life in his blue eyes once more.

“How is he doing?”

“He appears to be recovering quite well.”

“I haven’t seen him since the week after he woke up. I meant to get over to the hospital to see him and then I found out he was discharged.” She shook her head. “Leonard says he doesn’t want a lot of visitors.”

“He does not,” I replied. In fact the doctor had advised me that he didn’t want to see anyone but McCoy, and yet my elder had been welcomed. I put my fork down when I noticed the tremble in my fingers.

“Well, I’m glad he’s going to be okay,” Nyota said, pushing her mostly finished plate of pasta away from herself. “And speaking of, that’s part of what I want to talk to you about.”

“Yes?”

“We’ve got months before the Enterprise will be able to return to space. I was thinking you and I should take a trip together. Just the two of us.” She smiled. “I know you don’t like cold, so maybe some place tropical. I’ve already been shopping for a bathing suit.”

I blinked. “A trip?”

“Uh-huh. A romantic getaway. After all that trouble we’ve been having, you know with the Volcano and all that, and then with Marcus and Khan, we deserve something nice. We can reconnect.” She reached for my hand and, when she’d grasped it, she touched her fingers to mine in a Vulcan kiss. It was pleasant enough but as usual I did not feel the deep emotional connection I had heard others speak of when kissing in this manner. I suspected it was likely because I was not fully Vulcan.

“The Captain is still recovering.”

“I know. But you said he’s doing well. And God knows he’s got Leonard as his shadow. He’ll be fine if we go away together for a while.”

I shook my head. “I would rather not until he is fully functional.”

Nyota made a face. “Well, how long is that going to take?”

“I do not know. This morning Dr. McCoy said he was weak and exhausted.”

“How about if I make the plans for a month from now then?”

“A month is too soon,” I insisted. I reached for the check and set down my credit chip.

“Two months then. Come on, Spock. You owe me this. Please?”

I watched the waitress scoop up the bill and my credit chip and I could not help but feel a strange unsettling flutter in my side. And I desired to see the Captain. Perhaps he was unwell?

“Very well, Nyota,” I answered, very aware of her scrutiny as she waited for my response.

“Yeah?” She clapped her hands. “This is great. You won’t regret it. I’ll plan everything. You’ll just have to show up.” She smiled happily. “Maybe I’ll be able to actually get you into bathing trunks.”

I raised my brow, but did not comment on the likelihood of that.   

“Now,” Nyota said, rising from her seat. “I have plans for you for the remainder of the afternoon.”

I opened my mouth to protest.

“Oh, no,” she interrupted quickly, grabbing my arm. “It’s been way too long since we…”

She trailed off with a grin, but I was well aware of her reference as she pulled me from the restaurant.

****

It seemed to take an overlong time for the apartment door to open and I was trying to tamp down by anxiety when it slowly opened a crack. I saw one blue eye looking out at me.

“Captain?”

I heard an audible sigh before the door was opened fully to allow me entrance.

“I did indicate I would return this evening,” I said as I stepped inside the apartment.

“Yeah. I just thought maybe you wouldn’t show.”

“Why would I not?”

Jim shrugged. He still wore the jeans and gray t-shirt he’d word when I had been there earlier in the day.

“Where is my counterpart?”

“He went to HQ to get his belongings so he could move them here. Then he said he would stop at the market to get some food.”

“How long have you been alone?”

“All my life,” Jim replied.

Confused, I said, “I meant—”

“I know what you meant, Spock. I was kidding.” He looked terribly unhappy I was there. But it was clear he was trying to hide it.

“You have not answered my query.”

“I don’t know. A few hours. I haven’t kept track. Why does it matter?”

“Given your recent medical history I do not think—”

“We’ve been over this. Let’s not go there again.” He moved toward the kitchen with a somewhat stiff gait and I was forced to purse my lips together to keep from commenting. “Tea, Mr. Spock?”

“Yes, but I will attend to it.” I noticed despite his seeming reluctance to see me he had laid out the chess set on the dining room table.

Jim shook his head. “Seriously I’m not an invalid.”

“It was not my inference that you were.”

“Just…sit down and shut up.”

“Yes, Captain.”

A moment later he brought a large teapot to the table. His hands were shaking as he did so and once more I pursed my lips, trying to keep silent. He was well aware of my argument with Dr. McCoy on his premature release from the hospital. He went back to the kitchen and returned with two very round green teacups.

When he had taken his seat and moved his pawn, I ventured, “If you required someone to stay with you, I would have—”

“I didn’t.”

“Yet my counterpart is staying here.”

“Because he wants to, not because I need it. Seriously, Spock. I can take care of myself.”

“Very well.”

“How’s Uhura?” Jim asked in an oddly stilted voice.

“She is well and sends her regards.”

He nodded and reached for his tea. “I probably haven’t thanked her enough for her part in saving my life.”

“She could do no else. You are her captain.”

“Yeah.”

“And her friend.”

He smiled a little at that. “I’m not so sure about that.”

I frowned slightly as I made my move on the chessboard. “She has not indicated to me in any way that she feels otherwise.”

His eyes were filled with humor as he looked at me over the rim of his teacup. “Never mind, Spock.”

“Captain, I do not wish you to have the impression that Nyota views you in the way she once did when she originally made your acquaintance.”

“I’m really not all that interested in how she views me, honestly.”

“But—”

“Spock, just…” Jim waved his hand. “Does everything have to be so literal with you?”

“Yes.”

He huffed a laugh at that. “It’s not so complicated or troublesome, okay?”

I nodded and watched him move his next piece. As usual he was playing with no logic at all to his strategy.

“Things are going well between you two then,” he said quietly a few minutes later.

“Captain?”

He wiggled his fingers at his neck area.

Not understanding I merely stared at him.

Jim sighed, and then rolled his eyes. “A hickey, Spock. You have one on your throat.”

I felt my face flush and to cover it I lifted my teacup to my lips.

He smirked and then leaned forward to make another strange move. “Don’t be embarrassed. I’m sure you’ve noticed a fair share on me before.” He shrugged.

I had, of course, although I had not been particularly pleased to see them. I decided a change of subject was in order and cleared my throat.

The apartment door opened and Jim seemed to brighten immediately. He put his teacup down and rose from the table to greet my counterpart.

“Hey, you need help with those bags, old man?” Jim asked with a grin.

“I would not be opposed to assistance from someone young and strong,” my elder said with what I could only term was a mischievous twinkle in his gaze.

I rose from my seat also and walked over to take the bags from both my elder and Jim. “Then we are fortunate I am here.”


	5. Jim

“Checkmate,” I declared a short time after old Spock had returned with his things and groceries. I had watched as he put away various food items he’d bought, most of them I was certain designed to please me. And it was pretty eerie how well all that he’d bought matched my exact tastes. If I thought about it too much it gave me a bit of a headache.

Spock—as in my first officer—leaned back in his chair and surveyed the chess game as though trying to figure out if I had somehow cheated. He had never been pleased to lose to me. I was pretty sure it went against all his Vulcan upbringing to lost to an emotional mess like me.

“Frustrated, Mr. Spock?” I teased.

He straightened. “Certainly not.”

Old Spock looked over my shoulder at the game. “You play nearly identical to my Jim Kirk. It is fascinating.”

Spock’s eyes narrowed at his older counterpart but he said nothing.

I turned to the older one with a grin. “Guess I better not play you then. You would know all my tricks.”

“Indeed,” he replied, clearly amused. “Would you care for a refill of your tea, Jim?”

“Sure.”

“I will get it,” Spock said, rising from his seat and nearly bowling over his elder as he entered the kitchen. He had scooped up my teacup on the way.

Here a Spock, there a Spock, everywhere a Spock, Spock.

I sighed and rose from my seat. “I have to use the bathroom. Try to behave yourselves while I’m gone.”

The truth was though I did have to pee, I needed a moment to myself. With the older Spock insisting on staying with me now it was going to be harder than ever not to be hovered over. I was used to being alone and doing for myself and though at times it was a thankless, lonely existence, it was so much better than relying on others who always failed you.

I closed the bathroom door, took care of business, and then washed my hands. I waited for a few minutes before leaving the bathroom. I couldn’t take too long or I was certain one or both mothering Vulcans would check on me.

The thing of it was when I’d awakened from being dead—and really how many got to say or think that—I’d realized something. I’d come to the awful realization I was in love with Spock. I couldn't have picked someone worse in my opinion. Both emotionally unavailable and in a relationship with someone else.

_Real smart, Jim._

I left the bathroom and as soon as I walked toward the kitchen, I could hear Spock’s slightly raised voice.

“He is not your James Kirk.”

“I know.”

“You would do well to remember that in your interactions with him,” Spock replied coolly.

The Vulcans turned to watch me with dual anxious eyes. I figured right then they had been very close to checking on me.

“Are you two actually having a pissing contest?” I demanded.

They both stared at me as though they hadn’t a clue what I meant. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

“You might not feel frustration, but I sure as hell do.”

“I apologize,” Spock murmured.

I nodded, licking my suddenly dry lips. I took a step forward to reach for my tea and was suddenly hit with a wave of dizziness so powerful I nearly went down right there in the kitchen. I would have, perhaps, if Spock had not pushed his elder out of the way to grasp onto my biceps holding me up.

“Jim? Are you all right?”

“Just a little dizzy.”

“You have done too much. You are overtaxing yourself,” he said in an accusatory voice.

“I haven’t done anything.”

“Then as I suspected, Dr. McCoy released you too soon. I will contact him immediately.”

“Spock, no. It’s already passed. I feel better.”

Spock shook his head. “I will not take chances with your health.”

“I’m fine.”

I was a little startled when Spock moved one hand up to my face, his fingers spreading out over my cheek.

“You are too pale.”

“So I’ll sit down and have my tea and eat something. Really, I’m fine. And I don’t need to be manhandled,” I added pointedly.

His lips pursed but he lowered his hand from my face and stepped back several inches. Still his left hand remained on my arm.

I looked toward old Spock for help, but even as I glanced at him, he was shaking his head.

“I agree with Spock. I am concerned,” the old Vulcan said. “Perhaps it would be wise to contact Leonard.”

“He was just here and he’ll be back tomorrow. Seriously, I’m okay. Please?”

Spock hesitated but nodded. “Allow me to escort you over to the couch.”

“And I will make you dinner,” the elder said.

I supposed there were worse things than having two Vulcan babysitters.

When I was settled on the couch, Spock sat in the chair next to me watching over me like a hawk or something. It was both kind of touching and unnerving. But at least they’d agreed not to bother Bones. If I knew Bones he’d haul me back to the hospital so fast my head would spin.

I sipped my tea. “You gonna keep staring?”

“Until I am satisfied,” Spock replied.

“I feel one hundred percent better.”

“Humans are known for fabrications. And you in particular downplay your own pain and discomfort on a regular basis.”

“Jim?”

I glanced toward the kitchen at the older Spock. “Yeah?”

“Do you wish bacon in your macaroni and cheese?”

As I went to open my mouth, Spock opened his. “I do not think it wise for the Captain to—”

“Yes,” I interrupted with a glare in Spock‘s direction. “Sounds good.”

“Captain, I must protest.”

“No, you mustn’t. You can just keep your mouth shut,” I retorted. “I just died and if I want bacon in my mac and cheese then I can have it.”

From the kitchen, “Bacon macaroni and cheese coming right up.”


	6. Spock Prime

“I intend to come tomorrow in the morning,” Spock told me as I followed him to the door of Jim’s apartment.

“Did Jim give you permission to come?”

“I do not need permission. He is my captain as well as my friend.”

“He does not wish a lot of visitors,” I reminded him.

“I am well aware of that.” Spock was radiating displeasure. “I do not know what game you are playing but it is unwelcome.”

“I play no game. I am merely expressing my concern for James Kirk.  Concern that you mutually share.”

“He is not your James Kirk.”

“Perhaps not,” I acknowledged. “But neither is he yours. Is he?”

His eyes widened fractionally. “I will be here tomorrow,” he said again, then opened the door and left.

I locked the door after him and then turned with a slight frown. Jim had been out on the balcony for too long. I went to it and opened the sliding glass door. He was standing at the railing with his back to me.

“Jim? It is too cold out here tonight for you to linger.”

“Is it? I barely feel the temperature these days,” he said softly.

I approached him cautiously, perhaps like one approaches a wounded animal and that certainly applied here. I laid my hand on his arm, just below the end of his sleeve at his wrist. The slight flinch at my touch was there. His skin was cool to the touch but the contact was enough for me to get his emotions.

Almost crippling sadness. Hopelessness.

“Will you come inside where it is warm?” I had almost called him ‘ashaya’ as I once called my Jim many times. Old habits died hard, even for old Vulcans.

His blue eyes, when they finally looked at me, were vacant. “Okay, if it will please you.”

He followed me inside and I closed and locked the sliding door out to the balcony.

“Something is bothering you.”

Jim shook his head. “Not really.” His hand went up to thread through his hair. “I could use a drink.”

I watched as he went into the kitchen and took out a short glass which he filled with the rum he had left on the counter from a few days ago.

“It is Spock,” I guessed.

His gaze flicked to me. “Huh?”

“His presence bothers you?”

“No, of course not. He’s my friend.”

“But?”

“But nothing.” He stared at rum in his glass. “I just have some things to work through.”

“I have been told I am a good sounding board.”

At that Jim’s lips twitched. “Yeah? By who?”

“Jim.”

The gaze left me, a shuddered breath escaped him. “I’m not him, you know.”

“Are you not?”

“His life…he was a hero. He had so many good things happen. And I’m-I’m just a fuck up. A _lucky_ fuck up.”

“Is that what you believe?”

“Yeah. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. Pike did. I’m sure Spock does. Hell, they probably all think it.”

“It is true that Jim could be very heroic and many good things happened in his life. But also many horrible things. His life was not the perfect life you imagine, Jim. That son I told you he had?”

“Yeah?”

“Killed by the Klingons just as Jim was getting to know him. Not to mention the loss of me was quite troublesome for him.”

“You two had each other. And I…this timeline, this universe, it’s not the same. You have no idea what it’s like to be desperately, painfully in love with your very unattainable Vulcan first officer.”

I sighed. “I know, more than you realize.”

His gaze was once more on me, his blue eyes unreadable.

“I was once in love with my very unattainable Human captain,” I explained. “Do not mistake the fact that Jim and I were bonded and happy at the end for the belief that our relationship was simple. It was not. During my time with Jim, he fell in love with others while I remained silent. What choice did I have? I did not believe he returned my affections, not in the same way, and I struggled to remain wholly Vulcan, rather than give into the turmoil that involved emotions.”

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. He sipped from the rum.

“You have not done anything wrong.”

Jim grimaced. “I don’t know. I’m kind of an insensitive jerk sometimes. I don’t mean to be.”

“I know you do not. Jim, I am quite aware how deeply you feel and how deeply you bury trauma within yourself. It is actually a trait that I believe you share with Spock.”

“You think so?”

I nodded. “You are more alike than you realize. And though I know you believe there is no hope with him, I urge you not to give up.”

Jim smiled very slightly and took another sip of rum. “It’s hard not to. He’s with someone else. I certainly saw the evidence of that clearly today.”

“As I saw it with Jim and Edith, Jim and Elaan, Jim and Miramanee, Jim and Rayna—”

“Okay, I get it.” Jim smiled and put down his glass. “I get what you’re trying to say. I do. But this is different than that was. You never hated your Jim. And certainly not to the point you stranded him in the middle of nowhere on an ice planet. We’re friends now. We are. It took a long time for that, though. And he’s never going to have the depth of emotions for me that you have for your Jim. I know that and I accept that.”

I wanted to argue with him, because I knew Spock, I was Spock. But it would fall on deaf ears. Jim in any timeline or universe was stubborn, but this particular Jim was very obstinate indeed. And I could see he was worn out. He looked very pale.

“Very well, Jim. I will drop it for now. You need to rest anyway. Perhaps it’s time you retired for the night.”

“I am tired,” he admitted. He stepped away from the counter and swayed on his feet.

I rushed to him, grabbing his biceps. “Jim?”

He blinked rapidly. “No. It’s nothing. I’m okay. Probably just the alcohol.”

He’d only had two sips, which I knew Jim could handle much more than that. But he was smiling his fake smile at me, a rather desperate look in his blue eyes that I not make a big deal of it. And so for the moment, I would not.

“Let me help you to your room,” I offered, though I would not have taken no for an answer. I linked my arm with his and walked him to his bedroom. I wanted to watch over him that night, but I did not think he would appreciate me in his room, so I said goodnight as he closed his door.

I intended to mention his dizziness to Leonard when he came to check on Jim in the morning. 


	7. Jim

Somehow I wasn’t particularly surprised to open the door to Spock at just after seven in the morning. He wore dark jeans and a red turtleneck sweater as well as a battered brown leather coat. I suspected it was synthetic, but it looked soft and supple anyway.

“Good morning.”

“Morning,” I mumbled, closing the door behind him. “You just missed older you. He left just a moment ago.”

“Yes, I waited for him to leave,” was Spock’s surprising reply.

I huffed out a laugh. “You waited for him to leave? You were watching?”

“Indeed.” Spock removed his jacket and laid it across the back of the couch. It was then I noticed he had a cup with a lid in his hand.

“Brought your own tea?”

“No, actually. This is coffee for you. I recalled that you enjoyed coffee from that particular coffeehouse on Castillo Street.” Rather than hand it to me right that moment, Spock headed into the kitchen. I had no choice but to follow.

Spock went to the refrigerator and removed the cream.

“I can put my own cream in, Spock.”

“Very well.” He set the cream on the counter. He held out the coffee cup for me to come and take, which was a little weird, even for Spock, but I went with it.

“Thanks.” Just as my fingers closed around the cup, Spock’s index and middle fingers brushed across mine. Unlike the touch of others since I’d made my miraculous recovery, it didn’t make me feel jumpy or jittery. His fingers were surprisingly warm and soft. But only a moment later, Spock moved away to where the teakettle was.

I opened the lid of the cup and added cream. “Thanks for this. I can’t believe you actually knew I liked that place. I haven’t been there since—”

“You were a cadet. I am aware.”

My gaze flew to him, but his back was to me as he filled the teakettle at the sink. “I didn’t know you were that aware of me as a cadet.”

“I made it my priority to learn about you when I discovered your deception with the test.”

I rolled my eyes, though he couldn’t see. “I should have known it was something like that. Though I can’t imagine my coffeehouse habits gave you evidence against me.”

“They did not.” Spock turned and placed the kettle on the stove and turned on the heat.

“Well, anyway.” I took a sip. “Thanks. It’s still really good.”

“You are welcome, Jim.” Spock stared at me with that special intensity he had. “You do not look well.”

“Oh, thanks,” I joked. “Nice to know.”

“You are well aware that you have an extremely pleasing human appearance.”

“Hey, is that like a compliment?”

“However,” Spock went on as though I hadn’t spoken, “you are quite pale and you have dark circles under your eyes.”

I shrugged. “Having trouble sleeping.”

“Then perhaps, as I suggested, Dr. McCoy released you too soon.”

“Doubtful. I’ve never had great success with sleeping, Spock.”

He tilted his head. “You are plagued by nightmares.”

“Plagued by something anyway,” I agreed. “Are you hungry?”

“I could eat. Did my counterpart leave to secure your breakfast?”

“No. He had some errand to do. I don’t know. I didn’t ask.” I took two more sips of coffee. “What I’d really like is to get out of here. Just for a short time.”

“Perhaps that is not wise in your condition and—”

“My condition, as you say, is not going to be made worse by a short walk in the sun. I’m not a damn vampire, Spock.”

“Referencing human mythology notwithstanding, I—”

“Come on, Spock. A short walk. We can pick up something for breakfast on the way back.”

“Very well, Captain.”

I grinned. “Excellent.”

****

Spock had not only pulled on his own jacket but he’d insisted I put on one too even though I didn’t feel particularly cold. As I had told the older Spock last night I didn’t seem to feel the outside temperature. I wasn’t sure why.  

“You know I don’t really seem to feel the cold,” I decided to mention it to Spock as he indulged me by walking in exact step beside me.

Spock glanced sharply at me. “And the heat?”

“A little more than the cold, yeah. But I don’t know. I mean, okay. I feel like body heat. When our fingers touched earlier when you handed me the cup? I felt warmth.” I shrugged. “And when Bones or you know, the Ambassador, touches me. Not the same warmth though.”

“What cause does my counterpart have to touch you?”

“I don’t know. He’s my house mate.”

Spock stiffened. “He stays in your apartment. That does not make him any kind of mate.”

I raised my eyebrows at him. “It’s just an expression, Spock.”

“Have you mentioned this to Dr. McCoy?”

“Bones already knows he’s staying with me.”

“No,” Spock said, his tone quite impatient. “Not feeling outside temperatures.”

“No, not yet.”

“I think you should.”

“Well, it’s probably nothing.” I looked up at the sky. “I see the sun. It’s bright.”

“Were you not told not to look at the sun as a child?’

I laughed at that. “Actually, no. No one paid that much attention to me to care if I burned my retinas or anything. But I could have figured it out for myself when the spots appeared in my vision.”

“You had a difficult childhood.”

“I’m not alone in that.”

“No,” Spock agreed. “But I read your childhood history.”

“More looking into my background, Spock? Better watch out or I’ll think you’ve been stalking me.”

He became downright rigid now. “I was merely curious.”

I sighed. “I was teasing, Spock. You don’t have to take everything so seriously.”

“It is rather my nature.”

I smiled. “Okay, yeah, it is. Anyway, the stuff you read in my history isn’t all there is, you know.”

Spock cocked his head as we stopped at an intersection to wait for the light. “I read about your abusive stepfather, your juvenile delinquency—”

“Sure. There’s all that. Sure.” I started walking as the light changed. “But that…it’s only a small part. And those reports don’t go into every detail. And some of that…it’s classified.” And would stay under wraps until the end of days if I had anything to say about it.

“I am a willing listener if ever you would like to confide in me.”

“The ambassador offered to listen too.”

“I caution you in putting too much reliance in my counterpart.”

I stopped walking and turned to look at him. “Why is that?”

“Eventually he will return to his home on New Vulcan. I would not like you to feel his loss too keenly.”

“It is true no one sticks around me too much. I tend to send everyone away. Or they die,” I said, softly, thinking of Pike. My dad too.

“Jim—”

I forced a smile. “Nah, forget it, Spock. There’s a bakery just over here a few storefronts down. We can get some stuff for breakfast here.”

We headed over to the bakery where we got croissants, biscuits, and a couple of donuts Spock frowned his disapproval of. I won that argument. I stated that as we walked away from the counter with our bag of goodies.  

“You win all arguments,” Spock stated as we left the bakery.

“I’m the captain, so of course I do.”

Spock shook his head but did not dispute what I said.

“Thanks for going with me, Spock,” I told him as we rode the lift back to my floor of my apartment.

“I am concerned for your health, so if my accompanying you on your walk was beneficial, I am gratified.”

I smiled and let us into the apartment. The older Spock had not yet returned. “I appreciate your concern. I really do.”

“As your first officer, I consider it my duty.”

My smile faded, but I nodded. “Yeah.” I went into the kitchen with the stuff we’d purchased at the bakery. “So, I’m going to have more coffee. You having tea? Or are you off again?”

“I will stay until the doctor arrives. I have no other pressing engagements.”

“Not with Uhura?” I asked, forcing myself to just be a friend. It was difficult. But hell, I’d spent a lifetime acting. I was good at it.

“I am seeing Nyota this evening.” Spock made himself tea and we took both of our beverages to the table with the baked goods.

“So, you two seem to be over everything, huh?”

“Over everything?”

I shrugged. “You were having a little trouble. Just…before Khan and all that.” I picked up the gooey, custard filled donut and took a large bite.

Spock nodded. “She wishes to take a trip together.”

“A trip?”

“A romantic tropical getaway, I believe is her choice of words.”

I swallowed. I managed not to choke on it. Somehow. “That’s good. You should get away. Before the ship goes out again.”

“Indeed.” Spock looked down at his croissant. “I believe that is her intention.”

“We’ll see if I’m the captain of the Enterprise still.”

His gaze flew to mine. His eyes wide. “What?”

I stuffed the last of the donut into my mouth, chewed, and swallowed. “There are a lot of variables, Spock. They may not want me back under the circumstances.”

“Captain, I assure you the admiralty holds you in high regard.”

“They’re pretty fickle. And anyway, maybe I’m through.”

“I do not understand.”

“Pike might have been right. Maybe I wasn’t ready.”

“I disagree. You are experiencing melancholia due to your recent experiences,” Spock said firmly. “You will command the Enterprise.”

“Yeah, okay.” I smiled. “Maybe.”

“Captain.” Spock’s fingers were touching mine again and I felt that same warmth I felt before.

“Well. This is quite a charming picture,” the elder Spock spoke from nearby.

Spock’s fingers moved from mine quickly, his cheeks showing patches of green as he stood. “I must leave.”

I frowned. “I thought you were going to stay until Bones came.”

“My counterpart is here now, so it will not be necessary.” Spock turned to his elder. “Good day to you.”

“I’ll walk you to the door.”

“That isn’t necessary, Captain.” Spock rushed to the door and quickly left.

“Well, that was certainly weird. Is it my imagination or is he getting weirder?”

“I am quite certain I do not know what you mean.”

“Of course not.” I gestured to the array of baked goods. “Help yourself.”

The old Vulcan put his bag down and came to sit at the table with me. “It was nice of Spock to come spend the morning with you.”

“Yeah. Until he got weird. Weirder. I don’t know. Probably my illogicalness sets him off or something.”

“Indeed, something does,” he murmured.

I held out a piece of the other donut to him. “Want some?”

“Of course.”    


	8. Spock

I had begun to ‘sneak’, and I suppose there was no other appropriate term, Vulcan kisses from my captain while he was still unconscious after his ordeal in the warp core. At first, since he was unconscious, I did not think much of them. I convinced myself it was much the same as McCoy brushing hair off Jim’s forehead or squeezing the captain’s hand. A gesture of comfort I insisted to myself would end once Jim awakened.

It did not.

In the weeks the captain spent in his recovery at the hospital, I continued stroking my fingers along his, with the belief, illogical or not, it was my own way of assuring myself he was indeed alive. I never did it in front of anyone else. I doubted McCoy would know it, but it was certainly possible others would, even Nyota, though I had never exchanged such a kiss with her, and for certain my counterpart would know.

I intended to stop when Jim was released from the hospital and I had. Or at least I thought I had. But as I left the captain’s apartment, after having been alone with him for the first time since his discharge, I realized I had taken that opportunity to once more secretly assault him.

Perhaps ‘assault’ was too aggressive a word for my transgressions. But then again…perhaps not.

I resolved to quit the practice as I rode the lift down to exit Jim’s building. My counterpart had seen my action, of that I was sure, and I suspected was amused at my expense.

Of course it was that moment when Dr. McCoy chose to arrive. He stopped in his tracks and frowned at me as he was about to grab for the door going into the building.

“Aren’t you going the wrong way?”

“Actually, no. I have just come from visiting with the captain. My counterpart is with him now.” I hesitated. “Doctor?”

“Spock.”

“I would like to know if the captain’s condition is where you expect it to be.”

“Well, Spock, it’s not like I’ve ever brought anyone back to life with super blood before.” McCoy grimaced. “But I think he’s doing well.”

I attempted to tamp down my alarm. “You have doubts?”

“He’s mentioned a time or two where he was dizzy,” the doctor admitted. “I’m not worried or anything, but I do want to keep a close eye on him.”

“Would it be prudent to move him back to the hospital?”

“I don’t know if it would be prudent, but I can assure you Jim won’t go for it.”

“Perhaps that decision should be made by his doctor.”

“Do you want to look Jim in the eyes and tell him he has to go back to the hospital?” McCoy asked.

I did not. I recalled how he was all sparkles and light when the doctor had told him he would be released. I had absolutely no desire to put that grim sorrow back on his face.

McCoy put his hand on my forearm. “I’m watching him, Spock. I’m the last one who will let something happen to him. You look pretty tired. You should try and get some rest yourself. Maybe take a few days off.” He smiled and held up his hands. “I know, I know. Vulcans don’t take vacations.”

“We do not. However, Nyota has expressed a desire to take a trip,” I admitted.

The doctor nodded. “Good. You should do it.”

“I am reluctant to be away from the captain for an extended period of time.”

“He’ll be fine, Spock. I’m here. The other hobgoblin is here.”

“I will consider it,” I said reluctantly.

McCoy nodded and removed his hand from my arm. “All right. See you, Spock. And go meditate or something.”

I turned away and began walking toward my destination, thinking that perhaps Dr. McCoy was correct and meditation would be beneficial.

****

My meditation was interrupted some two hours later by communication from the captain himself.

“Captain?” I attempted to keep the concern from my tone.

“Hey. You busy?” His voice sounded extra hoarse and deep.

“I was meditating.”

“Oh. Sorry. I can—”

I went to sit in the chair in the living room area of my apartment. “My meditation has already been interrupted.”

“Right. Sorry. I didn’t think.”

“It is of no consequence.”

“Yeah. Uh. Yeah. Listen.”

“I am.”

“What?”

“Listening,” I replied patiently. “Are you experiencing discomfort?”

A huff of breath. “I’m kind of hiding.”

“Hiding? From whom?”

“Bones. Spock. I mean, you know, the old one.”

“Are they annoying you?” I could not keep the trace of amusement from my voice.

“You’ve no idea.”

His voice was warm, which I supposed was an illogical description, considering he wasn’t even in the room with me. But the tone, the low way his voice rumbled when he laughed, it caused pleasure in me that I did not think I could explain.

I had never had a friend like Jim in my life. There had been those I considered more than mere acquaintances. Nyota among them. Even Dr. McCoy had become someone I looked upon with affectionate exasperation.

But they were not Jim. They did not have the place in my life that he had. And I was not sure even when I had allowed him to become so…important.

“Where are you hiding?” I wondered.

“The bathroom. I’m on the toilet.” Jim laughed. “Not, you know, in that way.”

“What way is that?” I asked, far too innocently.

“I mean I’m sitting on the lid. They’re squabbling over who gets to make me lunch.”

“What are they preparing?”

“Bones wants me to have a salad or something and old you wants me to have some grainy tasteless concoction Vulcans make. Supposed to be good for me. Both of them. But you know what I really want?” Jim’s voice was conspiratorial and it occurred to me I was hanging on his every word, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“A cheeseburger,” I guessed.

“A bacon cheeseburger. Make it a double.”

“Jim.”

“Seriously. I’m dying for one.”

I ignored the flutter in my side at his casual reference to dying.

“So, I was thinking.”

“What were you thinking?” I asked, despite the fact I knew I should not indulge him.

“Meet me for one.”

“I do not consume bacon cheeseburgers.”

“Funny. Come on, Spock. There’s this little café that serves the best bacon cheeseburgers in the world.”

I pursed my lips. “Where is this café?”

“At the Museum of Astronomics.”

“I am listening.”

“Meet me there in thirty minutes. We can eat and then cruise around the museum.” He laughed low. “You can hardly contain your excitement.”

I refused to admit to that. “What about your two caregivers?”

“They’re in the kitchen. I’m pretty sure if I’m really quiet I can slip out the door before they even notice.”

“Hmm. Doubtful.”

“You of little faith. And even if they catch me, what are they going to do? I can take either of them.”

“Perhaps you could possibly take on Dr. McCoy but may I remind you that my counterpart has three times—”

“Oh, shut up, Spock. Wanna meet me or what?”

“I will be out in front in thirty minutes.”

“Great. I can taste that burger already. Kirk out.”

I stared at my communicator and then closed it. I typed a message into my PADD telling Nyota I would not be able to see her for dinner.


	9. Jim

I was early to the museum by ten minutes. As luck would have it I was able to escape my captors—Bones and the Elder Spock—I decided I should start calling him ES—fairly easily and find a hover taxi just outside my building.

But despite the fact I made it to the museum in twenty minutes rather than thirty, Spock was waiting for me. He had a kind of irritating habit of managing to best me at most things without even trying, even arriving to a destination.

Even though I’d seen him earlier, that very morning, I still couldn’t help being stupidly glad to see him. He wore blue jeans, which looked better on him than anyone really, and a sort of scarlet colored sweater. Only Spock could make pullover sweaters sexy. Not that I wanted to think of Spock that way. I was trying not to, really. He was my friend only. Had a girlfriend. And that was the way it was.

“Hi, Spock,” I greeted him with a smile.

“Good afternoon, Captain.”

I shook my head but didn’t correct him as he followed me through the doors of the museum. I turned to the right to where the outdoor café was situated.

“How did you come to know about this establishment?” Spock asked.

“During my time in the academy I knew a doctor who worked here. She met me a few times here at the café.”

“A paramour?”

I glanced at him because his tone had been just a little elevated but his expression was Vulcan blank as usual. I turned to the hostess who stood at a podium. “Two, please.”

She led us to the back of the patio area under a blue and green umbrella. “How’s this?”

“Great, thank you.”

“Anything to drink?”

“Iced tea,” I replied. “Spock?”

“The same.”

We took our seats and she moved off.

As I picked up my menu I murmured, “Not a paramour in the sense you mean.”

“Meaning?”

“We had sex. It was nothing serious. She was a friend of sorts. So friends with benefits I guess.” I shrugged. “She had a boyfriend who was on the Farragut at the time.”

“And she was seeing you?”

“Yeah. They’d been separated by space for a while, I guess.” I lowered my menu. “Anyway, he was killed with the Farragut when it was destroyed by Nero.”

“Did you see her after that?” 

“I did, yeah. But only as a friend. She was leaving San Francisco. Wanted to get as far away from Starfleet and the Federation as she could. I can’t really blame her.”

Spock nodded. “So much loss of life.”

I swallowed. “Yeah.”

“Hey, are you, Captain Kirk?’ the waiter who came to our table carrying our iced teas asked with no little excitement.

“Uh, yes, I am.”

The waiter, Kyle by his nametag, grinned as he set down our drinks. “Oh, wow. I’ve never met a celebrity before. This is so awesome. I saw you on the news. And of course you’re famous at the Academy.”

I tried a friendly smile. “You attend the Academy?”

“Uh-huh. First year. You know there’s talk of erecting a statue of you on campus.”

“That’s a frightening thought.”

“Everyone’s going to go nuts when they hear. I can’t wait to tell everyone.”

Mindful of the almost baleful look Spock was giving the kid, I cleared my throat. “So, ordering?”

“Oh, sure. Right,” Kyle said, staring at me. “What would you like, Captain?”

“Why don’t you go first, Spock?”

Kyle glanced at Spock, a practiced smile on his face.

“The Southwestern salad,” Spock said coolly.

“Did you want chicken or shrimp with that?” Kyle asked.

“No. No meat. Dressing on the side.”

“Vegetarian,” I told Kyle.

“Oh. Yeah. Okay.” Kyle smiled at me. If I didn’t know any better I’d think he was flirting with me. Okay, well, maybe he was. “Captain?”

“I’ll have the double cheeseburger, no mayo. And onion rings instead of the fries.”

“Sounds yummy,” Kyle replied. “And if I may say so, Captain, you definitely don’t need to worry about watching your weight.” He glanced at Spock. “Are you two…together?”

Yeah, definitely flirting.

“No,” I responded quickly, embarrassed for Spock by the question. He certainly didn’t need some kid thinking we were a couple. “Just friends.” 

Kyle took the menus. “It’s a pleasure to serve a hero.”

I tensed. “I’m no hero.”

But Kyle had moved off from our table.

“The waiter’s regard makes you uncomfortable,” Spock said softly.

I picked up my tea. “Harmless flirting doesn’t bother me.”

“That was not my meaning. You were uncomfortable at his suggestion you were a hero.”

“That’s because I’m not.”

“Many would disagree.”

I shrugged. “They don’t really know me. They’re just listening to the propaganda Starfleet puts out to make everything sound better.”

“Jim—”

It was definitely time for a change of subject and since I had trouble coming up with something to talk about that didn’t involve me I went where I didn’t want to go.

“So, you and Uhura are going to take a trip?”

Spock tilted his head. “As I said before that is her intention.”

“You should go soon.”

“I advised Nyota to wait.”

I frowned. “Wait for what?”

“Until your condition was stable,” Spock replied.

I huffed out a laugh. “My condition is stable, Spock. How long did you tell her to wait?”

“Two months.”

I toyed with my straw and then took another sip of the tea. “Seriously. Go. The sooner the better. I’m fine. You deserve a break as much as anyone.”

God, it was hell trying to be a friend, but that’s what I was. My communicator beeped and I grimaced.

“I’m really surprised it took this long,” I muttered as I took it out of my pocket. “Hey, Bones.”

“Where the hell are you?”

“I’m out with Spock. A nice respectable outing at a museum. You should approve. You were telling me to get out.”

“Spock?”

“Yeah. So I’m not up to anything nefarious. You still at my apartment with ES?”

“ES?”

“Elder Spock.” I laughed at the arched brow from across me.

“No, I left. Damn it, Jim, --”

“I’m fine, Bones. As soon as I’m done here I’m heading home.”

“What are you eating?”

“Uh.” Just then Kyle arrived with our food and as he set the salad in front of Spock, I said, “A salad.”

“Oh. Well okay then.”

I grinned at the huge burger and onion rings set in front of me. “And it’s just arrived. See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, okay. But no more sneaking out on your doctor.”

“Yes, dear. Love you.” I closed the communicator.

Spock was staring at me instead of eating his salad.

“What? I just told a little white lie.”

He shook his head. “It is only that I realize you have a very close relationship with the doctor.”

“Oh. Sure.” I popped a small onion ring into my mouth and chewed, swallowed. “I met him on the shuttle on the way to the academy and we’ve just clicked ever since. He’s like my brother from another mother.” I smiled. “But so? You and I? We’re getting to be close, aren’t we?”

I waited for his answer, probably more anxiously than I should have.

“I would like to think so.” Spock hesitated. “Yet when you first were discharged from the hospital you wanted no visitors. Except for Dr. McCoy.”

“He’s my doctor.” I shrugged. “And I’m visiting with you now, aren’t I? I just…I hate being fussed over. I had enough of that in the hospital.”

“You dislike attention unless it is of a sexual nature.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Are you analyzing me, Spock?”

He lowered his gaze. “That was not my intention. I apologize.”

“No worries." I gobbled down my burger while we talked about mundane Starfleet business. When I couldn't eat another bite, I said,  "Let’s get this kid to bring us the check and then we can go check out the exhibits.” I caught Kyle’s attention and paid for the lunch. As he walked away, Kyle slipped me his contact information.

“Do you plan to contact him” Spock asked as we departed the café.

“Doubtful.”

“And yet you kept the information.”

I laughed. “So I did.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “The museum awaits.”

****

It had been a pleasant way to spend the afternoon and evening but it was over all too soon and Spock and I parted ways. Before he left he advised he was going to speak with Uhura about taking their trip sooner than he’d told her at my encouragement.

ES was sitting on the couch when I arrived home reading one of my books but he rose when I walked in.

I was ridiculously glad to see him. “You didn’t need to get up.”

“It is a small matter.”

“Look, I’m sorry about earlier.”

“To what do you refer?”

I shrugged. “Running out. Literally. Without telling you and Bones.”

“I suppose our concern can be suffocating.”

And now I felt even worse, but I forced a smile. “No, it’s not that.”

“I know you better than you believe I do, Jim.”

“Because of your Jim,” I guessed.

Elder Spock shook his head. “Not entirely, no. Emotional transference works both ways, Jim.”

I swallowed and looked away. “Oh.”

“Would you care for some hot tea?”

“What I really want is some of that rum.” I made my way out to the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the cabinet over the stove. I opened the bottle and poured about three fingers worth. ES had followed me into the kitchen and he made himself busy making tea. “How come things are so different?”

“Clarify.”

“With you and him. With me and him.”

“Are they so different?”

I sipped the rum. “Aren’t they? You were together.”

“Eventually.”

I traced my tongue over my bottom lip and took a longer swallow. “You pined over him. For years. Until you couldn't take it anymore and went for Kolinahr.”

He looked amused. “I am aware of my own history.”

“So, then, why do I have to be the one?”

“You are objecting to having to be the one that, as you say, pines?”

“Yeah, I am. I don’t-I don’t do that for anyone. It’s ridiculous and it’s bullshit is what it is.” I shook my head and downed the rest of the rum, turning to pour more into the glass. “And that’s why I told Spock to go on this trip Uhura wants him to take. A romantic tropical getaway.”

“I see,” replied the elder Vulcan.

“Jim Kirk doesn’t fall in love and he doesn’t get his heart broken. Do you hear me?”

“Loud and clear,” he replied.

“Good,” I muttered. I lifted the glass to my lips and then staggered at the sudden burning pain in my stomach. The glass slipped from my fingers and hit the counter, smashing into several shards of broken glass. “Mother fucker,” I gasped, clutching my stomach.

“Jim?” He rushed at me, grabbing hold of my arms. “What is wrong?”


	10. Leonard

“Where is he?” I asked as soon as the older hobgoblin opened the door.

“In the bathroom vomiting.”

I brushed past the old Vulcan and hurried to the bathroom. The door was closed but I could hear Jim retching. I tried the knob but it wouldn’t open.

“Jim, open this damn door now!”

“Bones?”

“Yes. Open it.”

I heard Jim moan low and then the shuffle of heavy footsteps. Then the release of the lock. I twisted the handle and it opened.

“Jesus.”

Jim was white as a sheet, his hair standing up, red circles under his eyes. “Did Spock call you?”

“Of course he called me.” I stepped into the bathroom.

“Be careful. I missed the toilet,” Jim warned, looking sheepish.

“Are you still throwing up?”

“I don’t think so. I think that was the last.”

“Then let’s get you out of here. The smell alone will set you gagging again.”

I grabbed Jim’s arm in a gentle grip and led him out of the bathroom. Spock, the elder, was hovering in the hallway and he took hold of Jim’s other arm.

“I’m going to bring you to the couch. You’re sure you don’t feel like throwing up?”

“Sure.”

When we reached the couch we deposited Jim there and then while the old Vulcan sat directly next to Jim, I knelt in front of him.

“How do you feel?”

“Like I just threw up my entire stomach contents and then some.”

“He experienced pain in his stomach,” Spock spoke up. I really needed to come up with a name for this one. I couldn’t really think of this old man as the snooty young Spock I knew. “If you must, you may call me Selek.”

I frowned. “How did you know what I was thinking?”

The Vulcan shrugged. ”An assumption.”

“Who is Selek?” I asked.

“A cousin whose name I have used before in subterfuge.”

“Bones,” Jim whispered.

“Sorry.” I turned back to Jim. “Are you still experiencing the pain?”

Jim shook his head. “Went away with the nausea.”

“No pain elsewhere?”

“No. Just-just feel weak.”

I nodded. “Okay. Let’s go.”

“Go?”

“To the hospital.”

“Oh no. No way.”

“Jim—”

“No, Bones. I won’t go. It was probably food poisoning.”

“From the salad you had?”

“I didn’t have a salad, okay? I had a double cheeseburger.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I groaned in frustration.  

Jim grimaced. “And onion rings.”

“He also had rum when he came home,” _Selek_ informed me.

“That’ll make anybody sick.” I ran my tricorder over Jim. “Your vitals are crazy.”

“They have been since I woke up,” Jim said tiredly. “Super blood.”

“Some super blood,” I muttered. “But you’re right; they aren’t much different than they’ve been. Still, I need to do some tests. In the morning you’re coming in with me.”

“Bones—”

“Outpatient stuff. And if you don’t agree, you’re going to the hospital right now.”

Jim glared. “What choice do I have?”

“None.” I chose a hypo for the nausea and jabbed Jim in the neck.

“I hate you,” Jim mumbled.

“We both know you’re sweet on me.” I squeezed his knee. “Let’s get you cleaned up and into bed.”

“I need to clean the puke up in the bathroom.”

Selek rose. “I will do so.”

“No,” Jim protested. “No, Spock. I don’t want you to do that.”

“It is no—”

“Don’t tell me it’s no trouble.”

“I do not mind,” the old Vulcan said. “Give me a moment, ashayam, and then I will have the bathroom ready for you.”

“What’s that? Some Vulcan word?” I asked Jim after the Vulcan had left us.

Jim shrugged a little “I guess. Don’t really know. I think he called me that a few times in the hospital when he visited me. Maybe it’s n endearment.”

“You charm everyone,” I told him with a smile.

“Not everyone.”

Jim’s PADD, which was sitting on the coffee table, beeped that he had a message. I could see he wanted it, so I handed it to him. He scanned the message, then closed his eyes, shaking his head. If anything he’d grown paler.

“What? Jim, what was that? Bad news?”

“Not really.” Jim opened his eyes and smiled, but it was weak. “Just Spock. He says Uhura has made the arrangements for them to go on their romantic getaway day after tomorrow.”

“Spock said romantic getaway?”

“No,” Jim said softly. “But he told me that’s what it is.”

I stared at him for several seconds. “Want me to tell him not to go?”

“I told him he should go. He was going to wait.” Jim sighed. “There’s no reason for him to stay.”

“No reason, huh?”

“None.”

“What’s really going on Jim? What aren’t you telling me?”

Jim’s gaze went toward the hall where the other Spock had gone. “Those two, that Spock and Kirk? They were…together.”

I frowned. “Together together?”

“Uh-huh. But that’s them. Not us. And it’s never going to be us.”

“Did you want it to be?” I asked gently.

“Spock and I are friends, Bones. He’s with Uhura and I’m better off single and available for whatever comes my way.”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

Selek came back into the living room. “You can use the bathroom now, Jim.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

This time the old Vulcan didn’t bother to argue and I didn’t blame him.

“Come on, Jim. You need a shower and bed.”

Jim let me take him into the bathroom and strip him out of his soiled clothes and into the shower.

Afterwards when he was dry and wearing pajamas I went into his bedroom with him.

“Is it the super blood?” he asked as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t know for sure, Jim, but I don’t think so.”

Jim licked his lips. “You have a theory?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know.”

“What?”

“It’s almost like you’re being poisoned. That’s why I want to do tests.”

“Poisoned? But not radiation? Like the food poisoning?”

“No. Different. I think. You’ve had these symptoms off and on since you got out, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Anything you can think of that you’re doing the same or eating the same?” I prodded.

“No. And who would poison me? Not you. And Not Spock. Either of them. No one else has been around.”

I sighed heavily. “I don’t know. But I’ll figure it out. I’m staying on the couch tonight. We’ll take you in for tests first thing in the morning.”

“Okay.” Jim smiled a little. “Sure you don’t want to sleep in here with me?”

“I know you won’t keep your hands to yourself, darlin’.” I squeezed his shoulder and left his bedroom, closing the door behind me.

“Jim will be all right?” Selek asked me immediately.

“Hell if I know.” At his stricken look, I softened. “I think so. I’m going to stay over. Keep an eye on him.”

“I have already laid out blankets, sheets, and pillows on the couch for you.”

“Well.” I nodded. “Thanks.”

“You are welcome, doctor.” His gaze went to Jim’s closed door, then he excused himself to his own room.


	11. Jim

I really should have expected Spock to walk into the hospital room where I was having tests, but I didn’t and for a moment I just stared at him. He wore his dress uniform which told me he’d been at HQ answering their endless questions. I knew he had volunteered to do that while I was recuperating. Eventually though they wouldn’t be put off and I’d have to go.

Bones had stepped out of the room for a moment so I was alone sitting there on the examination table. Old Spock had gone to fetch us both some tea.

“Captain, you have been admitted to the hospital again?” Spock asked immediately.

“Not admitted, Spock, no. I’m here for tests.”

“Tests?” He repeated, rather faintly.

“Yeah. And why are you here? I mean, how did you know I was here?”

“I went to your apartment and you were not there. When I could not reach you, I contacted my counterpart who advised me you were in the hospital.”

I sighed. “Not in. At. I’m here for some outpatient testing, Spock.”

“I will postpone my trip.”

“Spock—”

Bones returned at that moment, his gaze landing on Spock hovering near me. “If it’s not one, it’s the other.”

“Doctor?”

“Nothing.”

“There’s no reason to postpone your trip,” I said hurriedly before the two of them could get into it. “The tests are just routine. Nothing to worry about.”

“Routine?” Spock repeated doubtfully.

“Completely. Isn’t that right, Bones?”

Bones glanced at me, his gaze sharp. For a minute I thought he would bust me, but instead he replied, “Yes. Routine.”

I smiled. “There see? No reason not to go. And really, you probably have lots of things to do to get ready, so you should get to it.”

Spock hesitated. “I do still need to pack my belongings.”

“Then you should. Really, Spock, everything is fine. Go on your trip.” If my stomach fluttered a little even as I said it, nobody knew it but me.  

“Very well. I will be in touch while—”

I shook my head. “Just send me anything I need to know about the brass. Have fun with Uhura.” I smiled, even though it felt like my face might break with the effort. “As much as Vulcans can have fun anyway.”

Spock nodded and turned to Bones. “Doctor, I—”

“I’ll take care of Jim, Spock,” Bones replied. “I always do.”

I didn’t miss the slight emphasis on the _I_ in that sentence and I didn’t believe Spock did either, but he did not react.    

When he had departed, Bones approached me with a medical scanner. “Mind telling me why we’re lying to Spock?”

“Because if I didn’t tell him they were routine, he’d stick around.”

“And that’s bad?”

I grimaced. “He deserves a break. He’s been dealing with the Fleet while I’ve been lying around doing nothing.”

“Lying around?” Bones said incredulously. “You died.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“And you aren’t dramatic enough!” Bones was getting angry, that much I could tell. “Do you know what we all went through seeing you dead? I thought-I thought—” Bones stopped, choking up.

“Hey, hey, I’m here.” I got off the examination table and pulled him into a hug. “Bones, I’m here.”

Bones hugged me tight, much to my surprise.

I squeezed him and then stepped back. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make light of things. Or what you did to bring me back.”

“What I did. What Spock did. What Uhura did. We all care about you, Jim. And you’re just going to have to get used to that.”

A throat cleared in the doorway and we both turned to see OS standing there holding two cups of tea.

“Thanks, Spock,” I said with a smile.

He came forward and handed me the tea. “It was not my intention to interrupt.”

“You didn’t. Bones is just scolding me.”

OS looked to Bones. “Any results yet, Leonard?”

Bones seemed surprised at the familiarity this Spock used as opposed to the one we were used to, but he also appeared to be pleased. In his usual grumpy sort of way. “Some, yeah. And you’re not going to like it, Jim.”

I frowned. “I’m being poisoned?” I took a sip of the tea.

“I still don’t know. All the tests have come back negative for any poisons I’m familiar with,” Bones admitted.

“So we’re back to food poisoning?”

“Maybe. But you’ve had symptoms before.” Bones sighed. “What I do know is you’re on a strict diet, Jim. I’ll write out what you can have and give it to—” He looked at OS. “Selek here or whatever I’m supposed to call him.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“I volunteered,” OS said calmly.

“Great,” I muttered.

“Some of the tests will take longer to get results but so far, I’m just not finding anything unusual. Well, except for how everything’s changed since the Khan transfusion.”

“No chance the radiation poisoning is coming back?”

Bones shook his head. “Absolutely no indication of that.”

I nodded. “Okay. Can we get out of here now and go home?”

“Almost,” Bones said. He looked at Old Spock. “Can you give us a minute? There’s something I want to discuss with Jim.”

I bit my lower lip as I watched the old Vulcan leave the room. I raised both my brows. “Well?”

“I want to talk about your depression.”

“My what?”

“Jim, I’ve been ignoring the elephant in the room for a while. I think you should either see a psychiatrist or I can prescribe you something.”

I crossed my arms and stared at him. My jaw tightened. “Drugs? No.”

“Jim—”

“I said no, Bones. And I sure as hell don’t need to see someone to tell me I’m fucked up. I had enough of that bullshit after Tarsus. After Frank. No. If I’m depressed it’s because of the shit that’s happened in my life. Pike died in case you’ve forgotten.”

“Of course I haven’t.”

“Well,” I said softly. “I haven’t either. And it hurts. And everything that happened with Khan and my ship. All those people. Bones, who wouldn’t be depressed? It’s just-just grief. I’ll get through it.”

Bones frowned. “How? And what about this thing with Spock?”

“There is nothing. I told you. Spock and I are only friends and that’s the way it’s going to stay. Relationships suck anyway. You ought to know that more than most.”

“Don’t use my failed marriage as an argument against relationships for you. We’re not the same and my ex sure the hell isn’t like Spock.”

“Spock has a girlfriend. End of story. He probably doesn’t even like guys.” I shook my head. “What I really need is to get laid.”

“Get laid?” Bones snorted. “That’s your answer to everything.”

I grinned. “It’ll cure whatever ails you. Anyway, it’s been a while, frankly.”

“You’re not going to some bar to pick up girls, Jim.”

“I don’t need to. I met someone at the museum. Slipped me his contact information.”

“You met someone with Spock along?”

I shrugged. “We weren’t together and this guy knew it. Kyle is his name. I’ll give him a call.”

“Just be careful, would you?” Bones growled. “Look who I’m telling. You never listen.”

I squeezed his shoulder. “At least I’m consistent. Let’s go.”

****

“Wow, I can’t believe I’m out with Captain Kirk,” Kyle enthused for the fourth time since we met for coffee.

Spock and Uhura left on their trip in the morning. Spock had sent me their travel information, including where they were staying and contact information should I need it. I had no plans to need it.

“Yep.” I smiled, though it was becoming increasingly more difficult to do so. I felt zero attraction for Kyle. Which was strange because he was cute. “One and the same.”

He blushed. “I’m sorry. I know I must be annoying. It’s just…I’ve studied your whole career. Your whole life, really. You’re my hero.”

“I haven’t really done anything that warrants that, Kyle,” I told him gently.

“Are you kidding? You saved Earth from Nero’s destruction. The damage Khan would have done is far worse if you hadn’t intervened. The Kobayashi Maru. There are so many things.”

“Kyle—”

“Look.” He lowered his voice as he looked around the coffee shop. “I’m not an idiot. I know you’re not looking to date me. I’m not really looking to date you either. I just want to have some fun.”

I inwardly sighed. “What did you have in mind?”

“I’d love to give the great Captain Kirk a blow job.”

I blew out a breath. “Kyle—”

“There’s one of those one-person bathroom stalls right here in this coffee shop. I’m not without skill, Captain.”

I stared at him while he looked at me with puppy dog eyes. “No pictures, no video. I don’t want to be the latest streaming sensation.”

He shook his head rapidly. “Of course not, sir. I just want bragging rights.”

It was all I could do not to roll my eyes. But against my better judgment I agreed and followed him to the bathroom.

****

I leaned against my apartment door after I closed and locked it. The apartment was quiet and the living room empty. Before I had time to wonder where Old Spock was, he came out from his room.

“Hello, Jim. I was meditating.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“Did you have a pleasant evening?”

“Not really.”

His eyebrow shot up. “Your date didn’t go well?”

I laughed and straightened from the door. “He wasn’t really into me. He was into the fame.”

“Ah. I suspect you experience that all too often.”

“Not really. I guess maybe I will now. And this is without anyone knowing I’ve been resurrected.” I walked over to where he stood. He looked tired. “You okay?”

“Yes.”

“Can I get you anything? Tea, maybe?”

“I am supposed to be taking care of you,” he said with some amusement. “But tea would be welcome.”

“You know Bones had no right to ask you to take care of me,” I said, as I moved to the kitchen with him following after me. “I can take care of myself.”

“Perhaps, but I find taking care of you pleasing.”

I turned and smiled. “Because of your own Jim?”

“Partly. But because of you also. This may come as a surprise to you, Jim, but I actually like you quite a lot separate from your being James Kirk.”

“Still, I’m sure you’re influenced—”

“Jim.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

I poured boiling water into a cup and as I did so it splashed a little and landed on my thumb. “Ouch, fuck.”

“Did you burn yourself, t’hy’la?” Spock seized my hand in his. Then his gaze flew to mine in surprise.

“What?” I asked nervously.

“You feel…empty.”

I pulled my hand out of his and turned my back, running my thumb under cold water in the sink. “What is that word you just called me?”

“T’hy’la.”

“Yeah.”

“Brother, friend.” He hesitated, then said, “It is a particularly close relationship between males.”

“Like a bestie.”

“Yes,” he agreed. “Jim.”

I turned to face him again. “My thumb is fine. Doesn’t hurt much anymore.”

“I am gratified. Your emotions…they are very muted.”

“Empty, you said.”

“Yes.”

I shrugged. “It’s been that way for a while.”

“And when you are touched, you still do not like it.”

I blew out a breath, then shook my head. “It’s like, I don’t know, but I don’t like it. I manage, I mean I don’t push anyone away, but I don’t get what I used to out of it.”

“And is it like this with everyone?”

I didn’t reply, just stared, licked my lips.

“Jim, you must tell me the truth.”

“No.”

“There is someone’s touch who makes you feel,” he said slowly. “My counterpart, perhaps?”

“Your tea is ready.” I turned to remove the teabag from the cup and discarded it.

“I am correct, am I not?”

I turned back to him and thrust the cup into his hands. “Yeah, but so what? I’m going to take a shower. I feel dirty and disgusting.”

I walked past him out of the kitchen and headed for the bathroom, already peeling my shirt off. I needed to wash Kyle’s mouth off me.


	12. Spock Prime

“Did you walk along these streets with him?”

Hands clenched behind my back as I walked beside Jim, I arched a brow. “To whom do you refer?”

Jim smirked. “So that’s how we’re going to play it, huh? You know who, old man. The other me.”

The day was cool and windy but we’d chosen to leave the stagnant apartment for a walk anyway. Jim had dressed in jeans that were surely too tight for him to move in and yet he did. It accentuated his round bottom nicely though, so I did not choose to complain. He wore a flannel plaid shirt that reminded me a great deal of what my own Jim would have worn which had caused me just a little bit of a twist in my side. Upon his feet Jim wore rather heavy looking work boots and he had on over his shirt what he’d referred to as a windbreaker. I wore a simple white robe with a brown sash around the waist and a brown cape buttoned at my throat. A white headband and sandals. Jim had found my attire rather amusing as we left the apartment.

“Ah, yes, of course. You are endlessly curious about your counterpart.”

“Wouldn’t you be? I mean, you don’t have to be, because you’ve met him. All I know are stories and memories I saw during all that transference.”

“I did walk along many of these same streets with him, yes.”

Jim glanced at me. “Is it hard to talk about him?”

“No, I experience no difficulty.”

He snorted at that and though I wasn’t presently looking directly at him I suspected he was rolling his eyes. “I mean, does it make you sad?”

“It is illogical to experience sorrow when speaking of someone who has passed on.”

“Uh-huh. Illogical.”

“Everyone dies, Jim.”

“Everyone isn’t a man you were insanely in love with and bonded to,” Jim pointed out.

“I do not believe insanity was a part of it.”

“Did he want to throttle you as often as I do?”

I thought about it and nodded. “It is likely.”

“So it _does_ bother you?”

“No. My only hesitation relates to my reluctance to reveal too much information about what occurred in my own timeline. You and Spock must walk your own path.”

“Yes, but I’m not asking you to reveal information that would violate the Prime Directive, Spock. I’m asking about your feelings, your thoughts, your time spent with your Jim.”

“It does make me sad,” I admitted at last. “However, it is not speaking about it that causes the sorrow, but living so many years without him. The memories I have with him are a comfort to me and I do not mind sharing them with you, if I am able.”

Jim stopped next to a storefront. “Are you cold? I mean you’re barely dressed.”

“I am completely dressed, Jim.” He made to take off his windbreaker but I stopped him with a hand on his sleeve. “I do not require your jacket.”

“I don’t really feel the weather that much anyway.” He glanced at the storefront. “Let’s go inside and warm up. They serve sandwiches, coffee and tea in here.”

I followed him willingly. He set me up at a table in the corner and then went to fetch our refreshments though I had protested him doing so.

He returned with a big teapot full of very hot water and tealeaves as well as a tea strainer and cup. Then he returned to the counter and then came back with a plate of little tiny sandwiches and a cup of what smelled like strong coffee.

“The ones on the left of the plate have smoked salmon and cream cheese and the ones on the right have just cream cheese with a little chives and dill.”

“You are too kind,” I murmured.

“I know, it’s a weakness,” Jim said with his trademark cocky grin.

I poured tea into my cup and took a tentative sip. “It is good.”

Jim shrugged. “I know what you like.” He took his jacket off and hung it on the back of his chair, leaving his plaid flannel shirt open to my gaze. “What?”

“Your shirt is very much like something my own Jim would wear. Especially as he aged, he had a fondness for it.”

“And therefore you did,” Jim guessed, taking a sip of his coffee as he reached for his sandwich.

“Yes. How are you feeling today?”

“Pretty good actually. Let’s hope I can keep down this coffee and sandwiches.” He took a bite.

“Have you heard from Spock?”

Jim chewed and swallowed before answering. “Why would I? He’s on vacation.”

“I expected he’d be concerned with your health.”

Jim waved dismissively. “I told him I was fine. Which I am.”

I picked up a sandwich of my own. “You did not tell him of your recent health scare.”

“It wasn’t a scare. Just a little blip of something.”

“Leonard believed you might have been poisoned.”

The dismissive wave again. “Bones believes a lot of things, Spock. You can’t take him too seriously.”

“Perhaps not, but I believe you do not take your welfare seriously enough.”

“There’s nothing, really. I’m fine,” Jim insisted, popping another sandwich into his mouth.

“Have you mentioned your symptoms to Leonard?” I asked after chewing the bit of sandwich I had taken a bite from.

Jim frowned. “What symptoms?”

“The temperature issue for one. The touching issue for another.”

“Oh, that. It’s nothing.”

“Jim—”

“My theory is it’s the super blood. The temperature thing. All of those augments were bred for superiority, right?”

“Alleged.”

Jim smiled at that. “Alleged. So wouldn’t it make sense that stuff like feeling cold or heat wouldn’t bother you. Because you could survive extreme temperatures, either way, because they improved you over the old model.”

“Perhaps,” I allowed.

Jim’s smile widened. “See? I’m totally right.”

“I would not say that. What about the touching thing?”

“Well, who knows? Maybe they were also working to turn them into killing machines with little real humanity in them. Actually feeling something, physical like that, might have been fucked with too. Which, I don’t know, shouldn’t you Vulcans approve of that anyway?”

I arched a brow. “Meaning?”

“You want to suppress emotions. Maybe suppressing pleasure from a touch is the start of something similar.” Jim shrugged. “Look, last night? When I went out with that guy?”

“Kyle,” I supplied.

“Right. I felt like nothing for him. There was no attraction, no interest.”

“You did not engage in coitus?”

Jim laughed at that. “You actually asked that without blushing. I’m impressed. No, we didn’t. He blew me. And yeah, okay, it worked on a physical level, but as soon as it was over I was ready to put as much distance as I could between us. So, I don’t know, maybe they were creating a race of unfeeling, robotic killing machines when they experimented on Khan and his buddies.”

I became alarmed at his train of thought. “Jim, you do not believe receiving a transfusion of blood from Khan is making you a killing machine, do you?”

“Not per se. But the truth is Bones doesn’t really know what it’s done other than revive me from death.” He tipped up his coffee cup and took a long swallow. “I’m not saying I feel like going on a killing rampage or anything.”

“I am relieved to hear that,” I replied. “But Khan himself was not completely unfeeling. He cared for those who were just like him.”

“Right. But no one else.” Jim’s gaze lowered, then rose. “I don’t want to turn into Khan, don’t get me wrong. It’s just something I wonder about.”

“I do not believe that your reaction to my young counterpart is a coincidence.”

“Oh?” Jim raised both brows at me and leaned back in his chair.

“I believe you share a connection with him.”

Jim laughed and shook his head. “No.”

“Jim—”

“The only connection we have is that he’s my first officer and friend.” He eyed my empty teacup and the empty plate where the sandwiches had been. “You ready to head back?”

“Yes.”

He got up first and stepped over to me, helping me up from my chair with a very careful touch. It made me feel old and frail for perhaps the first time. And maybe I should have felt that way before, but Jim being so solicitous of me reminded me of how very much younger he was than me. I was the one out of sorts in this timeline.

He grabbed his jacket and went to put it over my shoulders.

“I already advised I did not require your jacket,” I protested as we headed to the exit of the shop. I noticed the wind had picked up more and as I stepped outside it whipped my robe around my ankles. I glanced at him. He was smiling quizzically at me and still holding out his jacket. “Perhaps the additional warmth would be welcome. If you are certain.”

“I’m totally certain.” Jim moved aside my cape to put my arms through the jacket, which he zipped up to the very top of my throat. I realized it was fleece-lined and it felt warm and smelled of Jim. Both Jims, actually. Odd that they had the same scent. He then adjusted my cape over the jacket.

“I am not an old invalid,” I thought I should say as he gazed at me with a very fond smile, which I fought not to return.

“No, I know you are not,” he replied with absolute grace. “Let’s go.”

We turned in the direction of the apartment and made our way back home.


	13. Spock

I tried not to stiffen when the door of Jim’s apartment was opened by my counterpart. I was well aware he was staying with my captain. I did not have to like it, but there was little I could do to influence a decision that had already been made.

“It is a surprise to see you,” he said.

“Where is Jim?” I asked, immediately brushing past him and into the apartment.

“At the moment he is laying down, I assume…sleeping.”

“It is the middle of the day.”

“He is still recovering.” He eyed me. “I am pleased to see you, of course, Spock, but I cannot help but remark that I believed you were vacationing with Ms. Uhura.”

“As it happens, a hurricane approached the island and we were evacuated,” I replied.

“Ah, interesting.”

“Nyota advised me that the island was one you personally recommended. I did not know you were acquainted with the amenities of tropical islands.”

“I am full of surprises,” he replied.

“Indeed. It was a fascinating island, and of course you could not have known about the hurricane.”

He nodded. “Certainly not. Many of those islands are prone to unexpected weather, however. It is unfortunate your getaway had to be cut so short.”

“It is just as well.” My gaze went to the closed door to Jim’s bedroom. “My mind has been on the captain’s health.”

“As well it should be. Given his recent bout with possible poisoning.”

Alarm shot through me. “What?”

“Ah,” the old Vulcan said with a raised brow. “You did not know? Jim must have decided not to tell you. How unfortunate.”

The muscle in my jaw humped. “Poisoned? Who has poisoned him? And with what?”

“Unknown. Leonard could not find the poison. It was one not known to him.”

“He was hospitalized?”

“Of course not. You know Jim.”

I took a step toward his room.

“How is Ms. Uhura?”

I blinked, turning back to my counterpart. “What?”

“She must have been terribly disappointed in the early demise of your trip.”

“Yes, she was.”

“I believe I shall make some tea. Will you want some?”

“Yes.” I took another step toward Jim’s room.

“Go ahead and check on him,” my counterpart said. “I am certain he will be pleased to see you.”

I had fully intended to do so anyway, and it was lingering on my tongue to say I surely did not need my counterpart’s permission to check on my captain, but decided it would be illogical to point out that which should be obvious.

I tapped lightly on the door, but when there was no response, I twisted the knob and entered anyway.

Jim lay on the bed on his stomach, his bottom sort of raised higher than the rest of him. He wore loose fitting sweat pants and a T-shirt that had bunched up under him, revealing much of his stomach, which was fascinatingly tanned. His fists clenched at sheets beneath him. There was an almost adorable innocence about his position and the easy expression on his face. Something I rarely saw.

I stepped closer to him, not exactly wanting to disturb his slumber, but needing to assure myself of his welfare. I sat on the edge of the bed, pleased when it didn’t wake him. A stray lock of hair rested on his forehead and I eased my index finger under it before I could stop myself, gently moving it back to its rightful place.

The ache in my side that had started when I’d departed for my trip with Nyota had eased at the sight of him.  I raised my fingers to his face, stroking them softly across his cheek. It was perhaps improper to touch him while he slept, but I could not seem to stop myself from doing so. It had been the same in the hospital. It was my way of assuring myself that he was whole and with us once again.

I finally removed my fingers from his face and was about to stand when I noticed the flutter of his lashes.  Very slowly they lifted, revealing blue eyes startling in their intensity.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Jim.”

Out darted his tongue, tracing over his lips as he arched up from his stomach, turning over. “How many days have I been asleep?”

I shook my head. “There was a hurricane.”

“A what?”

“We were evacuated. Our trip has been canceled.”

“Oh.” He nodded, understanding dawning as he wiped his hand across his face. “Wow, I was really asleep. I think maybe the other you did something.”

“He is not me,” I said curtly. “And if he has been messing with your mind, I will have words with him.”

Jim laughed low and sat on the bed cross-legged. “No need to defend my honor, Spock. I’m fine. Just a little groggy.” His hand came over and rested on my leg, just above my knee. Warmth surrounded the area where he touched. “It’s good to see you.”

“I reciprocate.”

“Sorry about the trip though.”

“It is a small matter. As you are aware I was not especially eager for it. I have been informed you have been keeping secrets from me.”

His gaze slid from mine, but his hand remained on my leg, infusing my whole body with warmth now. “Secrets?”

“Regarding your health. Specifically an incident of poisoning.”

Jim shook his head. “Bones couldn’t find anything.”

“You were ill though.”

“Yeah. Maybe it’s just my body adjusting to all of this.”

“Perhaps. In the future, you will advise me of all that concerns your wellbeing.”

He smiled. “That sounds kind of like a command.”

“It is.”

Jim chuckled. “Sure thing.”

I was aware he was easily the most stubborn being in the Universe, but I was also aware I was the second. And I was likewise aware his hand was still on my leg and I did not wish to dislodge it.   

“You sticking around?”

“Indeed. I have invited myself for dinner and my counterpart is preparing tea.”

“Terrific. Nothing better than being sandwiched between two Spocks.”

I stared at him.

He laughed heartily. “Oh, my God, you should see your face. You’re hilarious. Kidding, Spock. Kidding. Jeez.”

The door to his bedroom popped open and my counterpart peered in, his gaze locking on immediately to Jim’s hand on my leg. “The tea is ready. Hello Jim.”

The radiant smile he gave my counterpart made me wish to throttle the old Vulcan. “Hi Spock.”

“Did you want tea also, Jim?”

“Sure do, thanks.”

My counterpart turned away and I returned my own gaze to Jim. He squeezed my leg, then moved his hand from me and stood from the bed, stretching his arms high into the air.

The image that had flashed into my mind during my brief trip away returned. The man kneeling before Jim, Jim’s hand on his head, eyes closed. I clenched my fists and shuddered.

“You okay?” he asked, looking at me quizzically as he lowered his arms.

“Yes, Jim. Shall we?”

He nodded and left his bedroom and after a moment, I followed him.


	14. Jim

“That’s a real shame about your trip, Spock,” I said, taking a large swallow of the tea OS had prepared for me.

“It is a small matter.”

I raised my brows. “I bet Uhura didn’t think so.”

“Perhaps not,” Spock acknowledged. He was leaning against the counter in the kitchen, watching me. Just outside my field of vision I could see the older one watching me too.

“Are you going to reschedule?”

Spock shook his head.

“Uhura didn’t want to?” I pressed.

“I advised the lieutenant that I did not wish to take the trip at another time,” Spock replied, his tone stiff.

“Oh.” A part of me was glad, which I refused to focus on, and another part wanted to goad the situation and ask Spock why, but as Old Spock moved in front of me and over to the fridge, I decided to drop it.

“When will you be hungry, Jim?” OS asked me.

“I don’t know. Not really at the moment.”

He closed the fridge and peered at me. “You only had a few small sandwiches at the little tea shop we stopped at. Some hours ago.”

“I know.”

“Leonard advised you needed to eat full meals to continue your recovery.”

I smiled. “I know you mean well, but really, I’ll eat when I need to.”

“He has issues with eating,” Spock said softly.

“From his time on Tarsus IV.” OS nodded sagely. “I am aware.”

Spock’s gaze narrowed. “How? Did he tell you?”

He didn’t sound pleased at the prospect I might have shared such personal information with his counterpart. It had actually been something we’d talked about while I’d been in the hospital, but I hadn’t any idea how OS knew, unless…

“My Jim was also on Tarsus IV.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and winced.

“Are you unwell?” Spock was up in my personal space immediately.

“No. I’m fine. It’s-it’s just weird.”

“What is…weird?”

“Besides you saying weird? Finding out that another me had the same damn experiences. It’s creepy. You should know that, you have him.” I flicked my head in OS’s direction. I pushed him out of my space and turned toward the bottle of rum. “You two drive me to drink.”

I reached for a glass and opened the bottle, pouring some in. Before I could lift the glass to my lips, Spock took it and the bottle away from me. “Hey.”

“Where did you get this?”

“Huh?”

Spock sniffed the rum in the glass and then the bottle. “Where did you get this?”

“Spock—”

His dark eyes had turned nearly black as he stared at me. “Where. Did. You. Get. This?”

“I don’t know,” I snapped.

“ _You don’t know_?” Spock turned away from me, sniffing the rum in both the glass and bottle again.

“What’s the big deal?” I demanded.

Spock poured the rum back into the bottle and capped it, turning back to me. “I have been informed that Dr. McCoy suspected you were poisoned. Dr. McCoy would not poison you. Nor would I.” Spock glanced at OS. “Or my counterpart. All of us have prepared meals for you. I do not know the origin of this bottle.”

I frowned. “I think I got it as a gift.”

“You think?”

“Jim,” OS spoke far more gently. “You must think. Who gave you the rum?”

“I don’t know. One of the admirals, I don’t remember which one.” I glared at Spock. “I don’t think they have any reason to poison me.”

“Nevertheless, this will be tested,” Spock said firmly. “Until we learn more, I do not think it prudent for you to accept food or drink from anyone but the three of us.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I turned and walked out of the kitchen, and went to the door leading out to the balcony. I stood at the railing, breathing in and out. A moment later I felt his presence.

“Is my concern for your welfare really such a burden?” he asked quietly.

“No.” I sighed. “I just—I’m a grown ass man, Spock. I can take care of myself. And Bones doesn’t even really know if I was poisoned. He couldn’t find anything.”

“There are many forms of poison the doctor may not be familiar with. I do not want to take chances.”

I nodded, looking straight ahead.

“We already lost you once, Jim.”

I closed my eyes. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Spock’s hand covered mine on the railing. “There is no need to apologize. I only ask that you act with caution and allow your friends to do so on your behalf.”

I opened my eyes, smiled and turned toward him. “Okay. All right. But I really don’t think there’s some conspiracy out there to kill me.”

“Perhaps not,” Spock replied in all seriousness. “But I do not want to find out after it is too late.”

“All right, all right.” I held out my hands in a gesture of defeat. “You’ve beaten me. I’ll do as you say.”

“Then it is true what they say.”

I smiled quizzically. “What who says?”

“There is indeed a first time for everything.”

I laughed.  “Great. A Vulcan who thinks he’s a comedian.”

Spock’s lips twitched. Then he looked down at my arms. “You have bumps on your arms from the cold.”

“Do I? Doesn’t really feel cold.”

He frowned slightly. “There is a definite chill in the air. We should go back inside.”

“All right.”

“And I am spending the night.”

I rolled my eyes. “Where? On the couch?”

“Yes. My counterpart informed me that the doctor has done so before. I am sure I can manage.”

“Yeah, he did.” I hesitated. “Spock, I really can take care of myself.”

“I am aware.”

“Are you? Because, really, if you want to go on a trip with Uhura—”

“I do not,” he said simply.

I watched him turn and go back into the apartment. I couldn’t help but wonder why in the world I was pushing his trip with Uhura, anyway. Because I was trying to be his friend, I guessed. If I couldn’t have the intimate relationship the other Spock had with the other Kirk, at least I’d have something. I didn’t have a lot of friends. And even less family. If I could count Spock among the few, who was I to ask for more?


	15. Jim

It was funny how when the doorbell rang neither of my Vulcan babysitters could be found. I heard it ring from where I stood in the kitchen making myself coffee. I ignored it at first thinking one of them would attend to it but when it rang two more times, I gave it up.

I supposed they must be involved in some mass meditation circle or something. Whatever. They weren’t in the living room and both my door and OS’s door were shut tight.

I peered through the peephole and what I saw stopped me short. I knew I had to answer it. It was just…I didn’t want to. And that was not fair.

I slid the lock and turned the knob, opening the door.

“Uhura.” I’d had a lot of practice at fake smiles even before diplomacy in Starfleet, and I used one here.

“Captain, it’s so wonderful to see you up and around. Can I come in? I come bearing food.”

“Of course.” I stepped aside to let her in.

She was holding several bags of food. “Let me just put these in the kitchen and I’ll give you a hug.”

As I watched her head in that direction it was on the tip of my tongue to say I didn’t want a hug. But that would be shitty, so I firmly stomped down on the notion. Still I couldn’t quite understand why she was here. I guessed maybe Spock invited her and that hurt, though I didn’t want it to. It shouldn’t have.

She turned from putting the bags down and came straight to me, wrapping her arms around me. “It’s such a miracle.”

I patted her back without much enthusiasm and she finally moved out of my arms. “It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, really, but—”

“What am I doing here?” She smiled. “Well, Spock told me he was coming here and that you were all going to have dinner.”

“Oh.” I nodded.

The door of my bedroom opened.

“Nyota?”

“Spock!” She went to him and threw her arms around Spock’s neck. Her lips moved toward his.  

I turned away, not wanting to see their intimacy and feeling stupid for it.

“I did not expect you,” Spock said, answering that question anyway.

“Well, I thought instead of you or Selek having to make dinner, I’d come by with food. I brought vegetarian for the three of us and I picked up a cheeseburger for the captain.” Uhura smiled at Jim.

“Dr. McCoy would not approve,” Spock said reproachfully.

“He’s not here, is he?”

I smiled my fake smile again. “Sounds great. You know, um, I really need some air.”

“Air?” Spock repeated.

“Yes. So, I’m going to go for a walk.”

“Do you want—”

“No.” I held up my hands in protest. “I’ll be back.”

Spock took a step forward, but I ignored him. Them. I got to the door and grabbed a jacket blindly from beside it and headed out the door.

As soon as I got to the lobby, pushed the doors of the building open and hit the streets, I knew I had acted ridiculously. But I didn’t turn around and go back, instead I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jacket and turned to the right to begin walking.

I got maybe a block and a half when I heard, “Jim!”

I almost didn’t stop and turn around. I faced Old Spock. “What are you doing?”

“It should be obvious I am following you.”

“Well. You shouldn’t have.” I took in his simple robes. “You aren’t even wearing a jacket or a coat.” I took mine off and held it out for his arms to go in. “What are you doing?” I asked again.

Predictably he responded the same. “I am following you.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“No,” he agreed. “But you do need a friend.”

I deflated instantly and looked away from his too astute stare. “I hate what this has done to me.”

“Made you vulnerable.”

I nodded. “Let’s walk.”

I slowed down my pace so that we could walk side by side but for the first couple of blocks neither of us said anything.

Eventually though, OS said, “Where are we going?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m just sort of walking.”

He nodded. “There is a park. Perhaps we can sit there and talk?”

I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to talk but I was also mindful of making him walk too far. He was a Vulcan, sure, but he was also an old one, and he deserved better than to have to follow me all over San Francisco.

We walked into the park and found a bench.

“I really wish he hadn’t,” I said after a while of sitting side by side.

“To whom do you refer?”

“Bones.”

“Ah.” He nodded. “You speak of reviving you.”

I swallowed hard and looked away. Looking at him would have been impossible. “I was prepared, you know.”

“Were you?”

“As anyone can be. I went into the warp core knowing I would die.” I did look at him then. “Didn’t you?”

“I did. The needs of the many.”

“Exactly. You didn’t imagine you would be brought back, did you?”

He shook his head. “One never expects that. But I have learned over the many years I have lived since then that it was ultimately a gift.”

“Even with all the heartache you’ve had to endure?”

“Even then…yes.”

“You’re stronger than me.”

“You are stronger than you think, Jim. Perhaps you should just tell him how you feel.”

I shook my head, turned to watch a group of children playing. “I can’t do that. He’s with someone else. We only share a friendship. That’s going to have to be enough.”

“Jim—”

“It’s different here, Spock,” I insisted. “I’m not him. My life isn’t the same as his. And my Spock isn’t the same as you. Lots of other stuff has changed, right?”

He hesitated. “Yes.”

Part of me wanted him to deny it, to say essentially everything was the same, because maybe there’d be hope, but really, I knew there wasn’t. And so I tamped down on the despair before it had time to take root and pull me down even further.

“So, yeah. In this life, he doesn’t choose me.” I turned toward him, forcing a smile that nearly broke my face. His brown eyes were sorrowful and I could tell he wanted to argue the point, but also he was filled with too many doubts of his own. I put my hand on his arm and squeezed. “We should probably head back.”

“I do not wish to see you so sad.”

“It’s fine. I just…it’s fine. Really.” I stood and reached down to help him up. I forced a laugh. “They probably think I’m some kind of freak running out like that.”

“Perhaps. But I really don’t think he invited her over, Jim.”

“It’s fine if he did. I need to start seeing my crew again. Stop hiding. It’ll be good for me.” Or so I tried to convince myself, anyway.


	16. Spock

I stared at the closed door after my counterpart went after Jim. I was all too aware of Nyota standing near me, arms folded across her chest.

“We need to talk.”

I nodded and turned to face her. “Would you like tea?”

“No,” Nyota replied. “No, I don’t think I would.” She started pacing around the living room. “Something’s going on with you. With us, Spock.”

I gestured to the couch. “Perhaps we should sit. I believe they will be a while.”

She hesitated a few seconds, then sat, while I sat beside her. “First, before everything else, I’m sorry I just came over. I can see by the captain’s reaction he didn’t appreciate it.”

“He is not himself. He is still struggling with recent events.”

“It’s just you come by all the time here uninvited, I know you do. I wanted to see you. We just got back from our aborted trip and you already left. I did want to check on Kirk, too.” Nyota sighed. “And yes, I guess I know it’s different. You’re his friend and his first officer.”

“Yes.”

She stared down at her hands. “I’d hoped we could work things out on our vacation. It was supposed to be perfect.” She shook her head. “But you never wanted to go.” Her gaze rose. “I saw the relief in your eyes when they said we had to evacuate, Spock.”

“Nyota—”

“Things haven’t been right with us for a while. Even before Khan. Your actions on Nibiru. You really didn’t care how I felt. You mentioned how you felt what Pike did when he passed and how you wanted to choose not to feel, but that all happened after the Volcano, Spock. You were pulling away from me before any of that. I thought at first you were still dealing with the loss of your mother and Vulcan and I could wait.”

She put her hand on my leg.

“Spock, I need you to be honest with me.”

“I will endeavor to be so.”

“I accept that Vulcans do not feel emotions in the same way as humans and I’ve always accepted that. I’ve never wanted to change you. We became friends and lovers in the first place because of our mutual interests and respect for each other. Sciences, languages, music.” Nyota smiled a little. “You play the Vulcan lyre beautifully.”

“Thank you,” I replied softly.

“Spock, do you love me?”

Nyota had asked that I be honest and I would give her nothing less.

“As I understand the meaning behind the question to be love of a romantic nature, then I must say no.”

She glanced away but nodded.

“I do love you, however.”

“Just not as a romantic partner.”

“No.”

She wiped her eyes. “Honestly that’s the answer I was expecting.”

“I am sorry, Nyota. I wish that I could be what you want for me to be.”

“Is there…someone else?”

I shook my head. “There is no one I am looking to replace you with.”

“At least I know now,” she whispered. “I’ve been talking to Carol a bit, because I didn’t know what else to do. It was her suggestion I just ask you.”

“I should have told you before. That was unkind of me. It is only that I do care a great deal for you and our friendship comforts me.” I exhaled. “It was selfish.”

“It comforts me too.” She rested her hand on her chest. “I don’t want to lose you, Spock.”

“You will not. As long as you want me in your life, you will have me.”

She blinked rapidly. “This is all so overwhelming right now. Even though, even though I kind of thought…to actually hear it, it’s something else.”

My own heart ached to see Nyota hurting for it had never been my intention to hurt her. I had, though, and I could not help being remorseful.

We both turned our heads when we heard footsteps approaching the door. She stood immediately, trying to compose herself even as I heard Jim say something to my counterpart as the door opened.

Jim glanced first at me and then Nyota and his eyes narrowed. “Hey.”

“Hello, Captain,” I replied.

Nyota had managed to compose herself. “How was your walk?”

“It was okay. I get really antsy.” Jim cocked his head to the side and then stepped over to her. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine.” She smiled at him. “But you know, I realized I have somewhere else to be so I can’t really stay.”

Jim frowned. “But you brought dinner.”

“And I’m leaving it too.” She threw her arms around our captain and squeezed him. “Hope you enjoy that hamburger.”

“Are you sure you have to go?”

“Positive. I’ll see you soon, okay?” Nyota was already moving toward the door and I followed after her.

“Nyota—”

“I’ll be fine, Spock. I just…right now I need to leave.”

I thought to argue further with her but then thought perhaps it would be for the best after all. Both for her and Jim who I knew did not like unexpected visitors. I closed the door after her and when I turned around neither my counterpart nor Jim were in the room.

Jim’s door was closed, so I went to the kitchen where my counterpart was opening the food bags Nyota had brought.

“Where is Jim?”

“I suppose he needed a moment alone. I am preparing to reheat the food.”

“Is he unwell?” I had sent the rum specimen out by courier to Dr. McCoy but we had not received the results yet. He did not seem physically ill but he had seemed unhappy.

“I believe he is…emotionally spent,” Selek replied.

“Emotionally spent? What happened out there?”

He shrugged slightly. “He had what I believe he thinks of as an epiphany.”

“About?”

“Perhaps you ought to ask Jim.”

There was an abundance of illogic in the apartment that day and I found myself almost becoming frustrated by it. I turned toward Jim’s door but rather than go to it, I turned back to my counterpart.

He arched a brow at me. “You have a question?”

“You had a friendship with the James Kirk from your timeline.”

“Indeed. A close one.”

I hesitated. “Did you…never mind.”

“Speak your mind, Spock.”

“Did you always understand him?”

“Ah,” Selek replied. “I am not certain I ever understood him fully. Nor he me. But there was beauty in that.”

“That is illogical.”

“Yes.”

I glanced back toward Jim’s door.

“You have more questions?”

“You told me you did not wish to interfere with our timeline.” I looked at him. “Have you changed your mind?”

“No, I have not.”

“Then perhaps it is time you returned to New Vulcan and left my captain to me.”

I was surprised by the slight smile he responded with. “I have been and always shall be his friend.”

“That is your answer?”

“Indeed. Spock, if you wish to check on Jim, you should do it.”

My emotions were churning inside me, conflicting within me as they had not since I was much younger. I had not been entirely honest with Nyota regarding her question about someone else, yet my answer had been the truth as I saw it. “I think, perhaps, I should depart instead.”

“As you wish. But Jim believes you are staying over.”

“You will tell him?”

There was a very brief flash of sadness behind his too familiar eyes, but he nodded. “Yes, I will.”

As I opened the door to Jim’s apartment to depart, my counterpart’s sigh followed me.


	17. Spock Prime

There was an old Earth saying, “Youth is wasted on the young”, that applied here. It was difficult for me to tamp down my irritation and disappointment at the Spock from this timeline. I had to remind myself that I hadn’t always made the best choices concerning Jim and emotional attachment when I had been younger.

Nevertheless I did not look forward to having to tell Jim that Spock had left. It was painful to see the despair he tried so hard to hide.

The door to his bedroom opened and Jim came out. He had changed into loose fitting sweatpants and an oversized T-shirt that simply said “Starfleet Academy” across the chest. His eyes were a little red and puffy, but dry.

“Spock left,” I said without further ado. I wanted to get it over with, for my sake, selfishly.

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

He showed no emotional reaction at all which startled me more than anything. I thought to further explain. “He had—”

“Okay,” Jim said again, interrupting me. He smiled just a little, meaning his lips curved upward. “I’m not surprised. Something was obviously going on between Spock and Uhura.”

“They did not leave together,” I pointed out.

“No, I know. But it’s fine, however it was done.” His gaze went toward the kitchen. “I could really use some of that tea you like.”

I had an illogical urge to hug Jim, but I knew it wouldn’t help and I wasn’t sure it would even be welcome. Instead, I turned to make him tea. “I have heated up your hamburger if you would like to eat it now.”

“Oh. Sure.”

I brought him a plate with the burger as well as a cup of tea to the table where he sat down. I brought my own plate of vegetarian chili and tea to eat with him.

“I scanned it for any known poisons,” I told Jim.

He raised both his brows. “I don’t really think Uhura is trying to poison me, Spock.”

“Perhaps not,” I acknowledged. “But one cannot be too careful with your health.”

Jim smiled then and stroked two fingers across the top of my hand briefly. “I appreciate your concern.”

“Do you?”

He seemed startled by the question. “Well, yeah. Why do you ask?”

“Because I know you, Jim, better than you think I do. You are convinced I only care about you because of my own James Kirk.”

Jim shrugged. “There’s an element of that, isn’t there?”

“You _are_ James Kirk.  Who I have a great deal of affection for. It is impossible for me, therefore, not to care about you. You have been and always will be my friend,” I replied. “That being said, I have a great fondness for you, based on who you personally are, however this timeline has changed you.”

“Yeah?”

“You are my absolute favorite being in this timeline,” I assured him.

He smiled, genuinely this time. “Are they all really different? I mean those members of the crew you knew then. Like Uhura and Bones and all that.”

“There are as many differences as there are similarities in each of them,” I said. “At the heart of each, however, I believe they are the same. They have been shaped by their experiences here, just as my crew were shaped by their experiences.”

He nodded, still smiling. For a moment. But then it faded. He took a bite of the burger. “It’s good.”

“What is on your mind, Jim?”

“Just thinking about how where you’re from you weren’t with Uhura.”

“That is true. We did not share a close relationship of any kind. There were a few occasions when we would play music together, but that was the extent or our personal interaction.”

Jim licked his lips and took another bite. “I wonder why it’s so different this time.”

“I did not meet Nyota Uhura in the academy as my young counterpart did here. Other than that, I cannot say.”

“Yeah, I guess, in the long run it doesn’t really matter why it is, anyway.” The doorbell rang and Jim frowned. “Now, who?”

I rose from the table as he did and he went to the door to open it to Leonard McCoy.

“Bones!” Jim’s face lit up instantly as he threw his arms around the doctor and pulled him into the apartment. “It’s good to see you.”

Leonard returned his embrace tightly, meeting my gaze over Jim’s shoulder. It had been a good thing for me to contact Leonard to come over. I was not sure before but now I knew it had been the right thing to do.

“Hey, hey, kid, it’s okay,” Leonard said, rubbing Jim’s back.

Jim pulled back. “You have your bag with you?”

“I figured I might as well stay over, huh?”

“That would be great.”

“I brought some cards too. We can play some.” Leonard eyed me. “The old hobgoblin, too.”

Jim grinned. “Will you play cards with us, Spock?”

“Certainly.”

Leonard kept his hand on Jim’s shoulder and squeezed. “Listen, got the results on those tests on that rum.”

“And?”

“No trace of any known toxins,” Leonard replied.

“Aha! See, I knew I wasn’t being poisoned.”

“I didn’t say that. There were some…I don’t know. Unusual elements to its properties. The tests were inconclusive. No more gifts from anyone I don’t know, Jim.”

He nodded. “Fine, fine.”

Leonard sniffed. “That’s not hamburger I smell is it?” He went to the dining room table. Picked up Jim’s burger. “Let’s fix you something nutritious.”

“Bones—”

We both watched as Leonard threw the rest of Jim’s burger in the trash. Rather gleefully actually.

“Now, let’s see here,” Leonard went to the refrigerator.

Jim mock protested but I could see he had perked up at being fussed over. Once more I had the thought that youth was wasted on the young.   


	18. Leonard

“Hmm. Meat lover’s omelet.”

“No.”

Jim looked up at me from his menu, giving me his puppy dog look.

“No.”

“Maybe I should just give you the menu and you can pick for me,” Jim said sourly.

“I don’t need to choose your breakfast. I just need to veto when it’s the wrong choice.”

Jim nudged me with his foot. “What the hell is the difference?”

“There’s a difference. Anyway, whenever you’re given too much freedom in choices, you choose wrong.”

“For what?”

I shrugged. “For the moment, we’re talking about food. But I think it applies to other aspects of your life.”

He rolled his eyes and went back to the menu.

We’d chosen to go out to breakfast to a little diner not too far from Starfleet HQ where Jim’d had a meeting. He hadn’t done a lot of talking about how it had gone when he came out but I knew it had lasted less than fifteen minutes. Selek had other plans so it was just the two of us.

“You can choose anything in the right column on page two,” I advised him after surveying the menu.

“Yeah?” Jim seemed surprised. “Like the potato pancakes with bacon?”

“Yes, because there’s only two strips of bacon.”

Jim put his menu down with a smile. “Score.”

The waitress came by, a beautiful young brunette who kept trying to flirt with Jim, but in vain, for he paid little attention to her.

“That was odd,” I commented as she moved away after taking our order. She’d brought us two big cups of coffee too.

“What was?” Jim asked as he poured a hefty dose of cream into his coffee.

“That girl was all into you and you barely looked at her.”

“Was she?”

“Big time.”

Jim shrugged. “Guess I’m just not that interested in sex right now.”

I leaned back in my chair. “Something wrong?”

“Like what?”

“Physically.”

He rolled his eyes. “I can still get it up if that’s what you mean.”

“Okay. It’s just…the Jim Kirk I know not being interested in sex is a little different.”

“I’m not always a horn dog.”

I picked up my coffee. “Except you are.”

Jim scowled. “Maybe I’m changing.”

“Okay. Maybe. What the brass say?” I changed the subject.

“When the Enterprise is fit for space travel, I’ll be considered for her captaincy.”

“Considered?” I asked, aware my mouth was hanging open. “Does that mean—?”

“They’re considering other candidates? Yeah, it does. I’ll, of course, have higher consideration. A little. Probably.” Jim sighed.

“That’s bullshit, Jim.”

“The old ‘Kick Jimmy when he’s down’ coming through again.”

“Is he then? Jimmy down?”

He took a sip of his coffee and glanced away, toward other patrons of the diner. “What do you think?”

“You know you can tell me anything, Jim. Whatever’s on your mind,” I offered. “I’ll promise not to judge.”

Those blue eyes switched back to looking at me and they bore into me with startling intensity. “For starters, why’d you have to play God?”

“Bringing you back?”

He nodded.

“Pure selfishness,” I admitted softly. “I didn’t want to have to do this thing called life without you in it.”

“Weren’t you worried?”

“About what exactly?”

“What I’d come back as. Did you check my teeth for fangs?”

I snorted. “You didn’t come back as the undead with a thirst for blood, Jim.”

He smiled just a little. “But I could have, right?”

“Not likely. Vampires and zombies are myths. Made up.”

The waitress appeared with Jim’s potato pancakes and bacon and my French toast.

“One would have thought the possibility of bringing tribbles and men back to life was made up too,” Jim pointed out, stabbing his fork into a potato pancake.

“There was a little girl, too. The one whose father blew up the archive.”

“I know, I met her,” he said to my surprise.

“You did? When?”

“A week or so ago. When I was leaving the hospital. She was there for tests so her mother brought her to see me. She seemed…normal.”

I frowned and cut into my French toast after pouring syrup over it. “Is that what you’re afraid of, Jim? Is that you aren’t normal? I thought the talk of vampires was a joke.”

“I don’t think I’m a vampire, Bones. But normal? I don’t know. There have been a few…things.”

“What things? What are your symptoms?”

“I used to love touching people and being touched. Like a lot.”

“You’ve always been tactile.”

“Not anymore. It’s like I have to brace myself for it.” Jim sighed. “Except…”

“Except?”

“Nothing. And it’s not just a stranger’s touch. Even people I like. Sometimes it’s like my skin is crawling when they just put their hand on my arm.”

“And this is everyone?”

“No. No. Not everyone. Just most.” He glanced around the diner than back to me, lowering his voice. “I had a blowjob from this guy—”

“What guy?”

“Doesn’t matter.” He waved impatiently at me. “And at first, all I wanted was to push him off me. I didn’t give into it and eventually the urge to get him off me went away and I was able to have him finish. But, well, it was weird.”

“That’s the only sex you’ve had since you were revived?”

“Yeah.”

I took a few bites of my breakfast. “So would you say you have no sexual interest at all?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“So you have felt sexual attraction for someone since I brought you back?”

Jim nodded.

“To more than one person?”

He shook his head.

I drummed my fingers on the table. “And do they show interest back?”

Jim laughed a little at that, and if it sounded a bit hysterical I was sure I imagined it. “No. And there’s another thing. I don’t feel cold or hot.”

“We leave here we’re doing tests.”

“That’s exactly why I haven’t told you this shit, Bones. I’m not going to be the Federation’s guinea pig to be poked and jabbed at while they figure what makes me tick.”

“Jim, I’m not the Federation.”

“You’d have to file reports and whatnot and the next thing I know some mysterious dude with a big cheesy moustache wants to quarantine me for the next eight years. That’s not going to happen, Bones. I can deal with whatever this is without the bullshit.”

I watched him chew his bacon. I shook my head. “What if these are all signs of something much bigger wrong with you? Maybe your getting sick before wasn’t poisoning but some sort of rejection. I’ve gotta check you out for that, Jim.”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Then just check me out at the apartment. Don’t bring me to the hospital where you’ll be forced to report crap. Come on, Bones.”

He was giving me the puppy dog eyes again and though I knew I shouldn’t give in, I also knew I was going to. Worked on me like a charm.

I sighed. “Fine. But you’re going to sit still and not open your trap the whole time I’m examining you.”

“Deal.”


	19. Jim

“Fit as a fiddle,” Bones announced, looking vaguely disappointed at his own declaration.

“Can I get up now?”

Bones frowned as he looked at his tricorder, but nodded absently. “I don’t get it.”

I sat up from my bed and stood, pulling my shirt back into place. “What don’t you get?”

“Everything looks great. By all these tests you’re in excellent shape. In fact, beyond excellent.”

“Horrible news, is it?” I asked with a smirk.

Bones glanced at me and rolled my eyes. “Of course not. In fact, these readings don’t surprise me given the serum you got.”

“So do I have super strength or anything?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“Too bad. Could have come in handy.”

“But I’d say there’s a good chance you’ll live longer. Unless you get yourself killed.” Bones put away his tricorder. “My point was I couldn’t find any physical cause for your symptoms, Jim.”

“So, I’m psycho? That’s hardly news.”

I opened my bedroom door and headed toward the kitchen. OS was sitting at the dining room table drinking hot tea. He’d come in earlier looking wet and cold because it had decided to rain. Before Bones poked and prodded me I’d made him tea.

“How you doing there?”

“I am warming up nicely. Thank you, Jim.”

“You want coffee, Bones?”

“Nah. I have to be going soon. Have to stop by the hospital.”

“How is Jim?” OS asked.

“Healthy as a horse,” Bones replied.

“I thought I was fit as a fiddle.”

“That too.”

“Your language is colorful, Leonard.”

“You want me to walk you to the door?” I asked Bones.

“Sure, sure. Nice to see you again, Selek.”

“And you as well, Leonard. Due to our mutual concern for Jim I am certain we will see each other again soon.”

“Listen, Jim,” Bones said, his hand on the door knob. “Just be careful.”

“I thought you said everything was normal.”

“I wouldn’t say normal. Above normal.”

I smiled. “Even better.”

“I still don’t like it. The getting sick part the most. The human body expels stuff for a reason.”

“You took away the rum, so it’s all good.”

“Maybe. Just…no weird shit.”

I hugged him. “See you.”

He patted my back. “See you.”

As I turned to go back to the kitchen to make myself coffee, my communicator buzzed. It was just a text from Spock.

“I apologize for my abrupt departure last evening,” I read out loud.

“Spock?”

“Of course. Can’t just say, hey sorry I left.” I rolled my eyes as I passed the other Spock. I took out my mug. I glanced at him. “You look tired. You need a nap?”

He hesitated. “Perhaps one would be welcome.”

“Definitely. Hey, I might go out for a bit later. But you’ll probably be asleep.”

“If you wish me to accompany you—”

“Oh, no. You’d hate it there, trust me. I won’t be gone long.”

OS nodded. “Very well.”

****

The Tellarite at the desk eyed me up and down. “What are you looking for exactly?”

I leaned against the wall. “Assuming you don’t have any Vulcans—”

“Of course not.”

“I figured. Orion.”

He pressed the buttons of his PADD. “Male or female.”

“Female.” I wanted the pheromones. The dangerous stuff that would make me practically her slave. I wasn’t sure I’d be into it otherwise. And I had to get past this. Past Spock.

I hadn’t been with an Orion since the days of Gaila and that hadn’t ended well.

“Three hundred credits. Room two hundred and two.”

I gave him the credits and made my way down the long hallway to the room I’d find her in. I hadn’t paid a visit to this particular establishment since before Nibiru. I doubted I’d come there again anytime soon. But I had something to prove to myself.

I tapped lightly on the door and waited for the throaty, “Come in.” She would already be ready for me, because the Tellarite would have let her know to expect me.

She was beautiful; there was no doubt about it. Long dark hair that fell down her back to her round ass. Emerald skin. Sparking green eyes. Pouty lips. She wore only a tank top and a short miniskirt. She immediately approached me, sliding her arms up around my neck.

“Ooh, pretty,” she said softly.

“Yes, you are,” I replied with a smile. Her pheromones were already hitting me, my head was swimming, my body had begun to react.

“A charmer too.” She leaned in close to my ear, her tongue flaring out to lick the outline. She was practically purring as she did so. “You’re wearing too many clothes, honey. Let’s get them off you.”

She led me to the bed, pulling at my clothes. I lifted my arms to let her take my shirt off over my head. “Oh, _so_ pretty. It’s not often I get someone of your caliber.”

She pushed me onto my back, tugging off my shoes first, then reaching for the fastenings of my pants. I tensed a little as her hand touched the bare skin of my abdomen.

“Relax, honey. I’m going to make you feel _so_ good.”

I clenched my fists, willing the revulsion at her touch to go away. I closed my eyes and exhaled.

She’d gotten rid of my pants now and her hand wrapped about my dick, her tongue flicking out to taste the pre-cum. “Delicious,” she murmured. She engulfed me in her hot, moist mouth.

I was hard, I was. But all I could think of was that this was wrong. So wrong. I ignored it and decided I was thinking way too much.

****

My head was swimming with too much sexed up Orion hormones when I left. I was a little woozy, a little high to be honest. And I knew I wouldn’t make it as far as my apartment in this condition.

I wandered into a little diner and ordered myself some coffee. When the waitress, an older woman, brought it to me, she eyed me with obvious concern.

“You okay, honey?"

“Not sure,” I admitted.

“Can I contact someone for you?”

Might be a good idea, I thought. Have OS come get me, help me to the apartment. I took out my communicator and pointed at it. “Spock.”

She smiled. “Okay.” She took down the information and returned the communicator to me. “I’ll contact him. You want something to eat?”

“Yeah. Pancakes?”

“Coming right up.”

When she walked away, I buried my face in my hands. I’d been with Orions before and not had this _much_ of a reaction. What the fuck? Bones said there was nothing wrong with me, but then what the hell was this?

I must have dozed off because she was shaking me. I straightened, peered at her, tried to smile.

“Here are your pancakes, honey. Your friend’s on his way.”

“Thanks. What’s your name?” I squinted at her nametag.

“Connie. I got a boy about your age.” She winked and walked away.

I had managed to eat a couple of bites of the pancakes before the door of the diner opened. I wasn’t sure if it would be OS or another patron. But my stomach sank when I saw who it was.

_Spock._

Not Old Spock.

 _Spock_.

His eyes narrowed as he spotted me. “Captain?’ He walked over to my table.

“Hi.” I winced. “Sit down.”

He slid into the booth across from me.

“You, ah, want anything?”

"No." His tone was clipped. “I was informed you are, and I quote, ‘stoned’.”

I licked my lips. “Well, not exactly.”

“Your pupils are dilated.”

“Still?”

“What did you take, Captain?”

“Nothing. I mean, it’s not drugs.” I felt myself flush. Reached for the coffee. “I was with an Orion. Hit me harder than I expected.”

He stared at me, his expression blank. “You engaged in coitus with an Orion female?”

I nodded, licking my lips again. Damn, why were they so dry?

“Obviously a dangerous activity given your recent health concerns.”

“I’m sorry she bothered you. I meant for her to contact you know, the other you.”

“He is not me.”

“I’ve heard that song before.”

“Song?”

“Look, I know you two are not the same. Fuck. Believe me I get beat over the head with that realization all the damn time. But he’s still Spock and I can’t stop thinking of him that way. So, I’m sorry. The other Spock. Is that better?”

“You do not look well.” Spock pulled my pancakes toward him and took out a tricorder.

“The pancakes are fine. It’s the damn pheromones.”

Spock nodded. “They appear to be innocuous.”

I smiled at that, though it hurt to smile.

“You need a shower and to go to bed. I will take you home.”

“Okay.”

“And I suggest you avoid such an activity in the future.”

“I was trying to prove something,” I said, feeling miserable.

Spock stared at me, his dark eyes unfathomable. “Was it worth it?”

“No.”

He nodded. “I will pay the establishment. I will be right back.”

While he was gone I ate some more of the pancakes.

Spock came back to the table and reached to help me out of the booth.

I waved him away. “I can get up.”

I slid out and got to my feet. I was proud of being able to do that. But the minute I took a step, I stumbled and Spock grabbed me.

Our faces were ridiculously close. I was pretty sure that was my doing. And I was hit with such white hot desire my knees almost buckled. I wanted him. I wanted him bad. I wanted to crawl up him, down him, and all around him.

I was fucked.

He released me very slowly and stepped back, his expression impossibly blank and unaffected by my raging lust. “Come, we will get you home.”


	20. Spock

It would have been easier to just carry Jim in my arms, but I also knew that he would not appreciate the possibility of anyone seeing us thusly, so I helped him back to his apartment with only my arm around him. He was unsteady on his feet and very warm, but I managed to get his apartment open and Jim through the door.

As we crossed the threshold, he stopped his movement forward and turned to stare at me. There was only a thin rim of blue visible, for the rest of his eyes were still dilated from the excessive pheromones raging within and without him.

“Thanks,” he said. His skin was damp with sweat and the scent of sex still clung to him. “You can probably go now.”

“I am not going anywhere.”

“Jim?’ My counterpart came out of his room, his hair and robe looking rumpled as though he had been sleeping. His lined face was etched with concern. “What has happened?”

Jim slowly turned to gaze at my counterpart. He licked his lips. “I’m fine.”

“He is not fine,” I corrected. “But he will be. I am taking him into the shower.”

“What happened?” Selek asked again.

Jim smiled slightly. “I’m just a little high.”

“High?”

“On Orion pheromones.”

My counterpart looked at me. “I see. Jim, is that where you were going earlier?”

“Maybe. What does it matter? I like sex. Right? Don’t I?” Jim waved his arms and he almost slipped out of my hold, but I steadied him and directed him toward his room where his bathroom waited.

“If there is somewhere you need to be, I can take care of him,” my counterpart offered.

I tried not to bristle, but it was a near thing. “No. I have him.”

“I will make some tea then.”

I cared not what he intended to do as I had Jim to care for. I led him through his bedroom and to the bathroom. I turned on the shower.

Jim was leaning against the wall staring intently at me. “What do you intend to do now?”

“Remove your clothing and assist you with a shower.”

He laughed. “Um, no.”

“No?”

Jim shook his head. “I can take my own shower. And I sure as hell know how to remove my own clothes.”

I hesitated. I understood his concern. Jim was a prideful human. I did not wish him to fall, however. He was raising his eyebrows at me, much like he had when he’d said he missed me, right before Khan’s attack.

“Very well. I will be near in case you require assistance.”

He nodded and turned his back on me. I left the bathroom and closed the door after me.

I decided to linger in his room, so I could hear immediately if he needed help. I went over to the window in his room which overlooked the city. After a few minutes I heard him get into the shower.

I did not yet relax, I could not. My own emotions were a jumble, my thoughts unsettled. It would take meditation to clear them or to at least make them manageable. His safety and wellbeing was my priority, that much I knew. And it had been that way for longer than I cared to analyze.

Now that Nyota and I had ended our relationship for what I knew to be the final time, my focus could be entirely with my captain. And I had to learn to control my thoughts and emotions around him. At present I was incapable of doing so, which was why I had been unable to resist stealing moments of affection without his knowledge. If my counterpart learned of my actions—

Jim gasped.

I turned from the window quickly, heading for the bathroom.

Then I heard him moan.

It was not a moan of pain.

I leaned against the door, swallowing heavily, closing my eyes. I knew I should not be listening to what I was listening to. But the throaty moans coming from the bathroom had my own arousal spiking so high, I palmed myself through my pants, squeezing.

When Jim gasped one last time, then panted heavily, I knew he had found his release. My own eluded me though and I ceased touching myself and turned away once more.

****

When Jim emerged from the bathroom wrapped only in a towel, I had managed to regain control of myself. His body was flushed and red and still damp.

“I laid out clothes for you,” I advised him, pointing to the clothes I’d left on his bed. “My counterpart is preparing tea, so come out when you are ready.”

“All right.”

“How do you feel?”

“Better. Still a little spaced, but better.”

I nodded. “Are you hungry?”

“No. Those pancakes were enough.”

“Very well.”

My counterpart was sitting at the kitchen table with a pot of tea sitting in front of him steeping and three cups of tea.

“He is better,” I replied to his unspoken question. “I will stay here tonight.”

“What about Ms. Uhura?”

“Though I hardly think it is your concern, Nyota and I have ended our romantic relationship. She will not expect me.”

Selek nodded and picked up the teapot. “Tea?”

“Yes.”

“While the ending of a relationship is never desirable, I believe it will allow you to focus on more important matters.”

I felt myself bristle again. “What important matters would those be?”

“The eventual five-year mission of the Enterprise, for one,” he said. “And her captain for another.”

“I do not need your advice or concern with regard to the captain.”

Selek smiled slightly. “And I have no intention of offering it. I have told you before it is your own path to take.”

“Yet is not your very presence in Jim’s apartment interference?”

“I can see why you would view it that way. But I have a great deal of affection for him.”

“He is not your James Kirk.”

“He belongs to no one, Spock. He is his own person, which you will, eventually, learn all too well.” Selek pushed the cup of tea he had just poured at me. “In reality I have little time left. I am old. I am still half-human and do not quite have the life expectancy of most Vulcans. I cannot get back to my own timeline. And even if I could, there is little left there for me. Those I have known, those you know yourself now, are gone. There is no Leonard McCoy, no Nyota Uhura, no Hikaru Sulu, no Pavel Chekov, no Montgomery Scott. They have all passed. And of course, most vexing of all, there is no Jim kirk.”

His gaze had lowered to stare at his own teacup. I did not want to imagine a world without Jim. It had been too close, it was still too raw.

“You are correct when you say this Jim is not quite the same as the one in my timeline, but his very life, his very presence offers me a comfort no one else does. I am stuck here, Spock, for whatever time I have left to live. I am certain you are also correct in thinking me selfish. But my friendship with Jim, this one, sustains me. I have no intention of usurping your position in his life. Nor could I.”

The door of Jim’s bedroom opened preventing me from whatever response I might have had. In truth I was not without sympathy for my counterpart’s plight.

“Hello Jim,” Selek greeted him.

“Hi.” His smile was soft, sweet, as it often was when he addressed my counterpart. He clearly had a fondness for him, and I could not deny Jim anything he wanted. That much I was discovering with perhaps some alarm.

There was a seat beside Selek and one beside me. And though I had expected him to take the one next to my counterpart, he sat instead next to me. Perhaps my counterpart had been correct in his assessment of my place in Jim’s life, after all.

I was gratified.  


	21. Spock Prime

My younger counterpart had been in need of meditation. Even I could see that, so I had sent him into my room, allowing him the use of my own meditation materials.

Jim sat at the kitchen table huddled around a teacup that looked rather tiny in his big hands. He had been staring down at what he held as though it had all the answers and he hadn’t looked up in a while.

“You are pensive, my young friend.” I sat beside him at the table and poured myself more tea.

His gaze rose at last and he gave me a small smile. “I think I’m still a little out of it.”

“Orion pheromones can be dangerous, especially when provided in such high concentration.”

“I wanted a little danger,” Jim admitted.

I nodded. “That does not especially surprise me.”

“No?”

“Given your own admitted history and the chances you have taken.”

“I thought you were going to tell me he was like that.”

“Jim certainly did not shy away from dangerous pursuits,” I agreed. “But his inclination was perhaps more tempered.”

“The story of our lives, I think. I’m the less tempered version of him.”

“I cannot entirely disagree with that.” I knew he wasn’t keen on being touched by anyone but my younger self, but I had an urge to offer him the comfort of a touch, so I took a chance and covered his hand with mine. “Is this all right?”

“Sure.” Jim smiled. “It’s not like I’m repulsed or anything. Certainly not by you.”

“I am gratified to hear that,” I said with some amusement.

He chuckled and for some reason that warmed me. A melancholy Jim disturbed me in a deep sense. “Your touch is nice. It’s just not—”

“The one you seek.”

“Whatever that means.”

“And the Orion? You apparently tolerated her touch to some extent.”

“Yeah, obviously. It was…interesting. At first not so much but when I was conscious of the way it made me feel I sort of willed it away.”

“And that worked?”

“Yes.”

“I trust you will not repeat such an exercise soon.”

Jim shrugged. “Not with an Orion, anyway. But I’m not really the celibate type.”

I nodded. “I certainly know that.”

Jim watched me for a second then looked away.

“You can ask me anything, Jim.”

“I don’t want to bring bad memories to the forefront.”

I shook my head. “Any memory involving Jim is not bad at this point. They are all I have left of him.”

His gaze landed on me again, his blue eyes very intense. “So, he was promiscuous?”

“Indeed. Though perhaps not as much as you might think. Jim liked women and they liked him. But he was not above using them for what he wanted to achieve.”

“Did he-did he cheat on you?”

“When we were finally together? No. But throughout our friendship, Jim was no more celibate than you. And many years passed before either of us admitted there was anything beyond a platonic friendship between us.”

Jim nodded, licked his lips, which he had a definite habit of, and picked up the tiny teacup to take a sip. “Sometimes…I don’t know.”

“You are wondering if you are capable of monogamy.”

“Are you sure you don’t read minds?” he asked with a smile.

“I can read you,” I replied. “To commit to one individual is not always possible for everyone.”

“So you think it’s possible I can’t?”

I shrugged slightly. “There are many possibilities, Jim. This among them.”

“If Spock and I were together—and I’m not saying we ever will be—would he be unable to accept me if I was not monogamous?”

“I do not know what he can accept. In that case you would need to ask him.”

Jim sighed. “What about you? Would you have accepted it?”

“Fortunately, I did not have to.”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “But would you have?”

I thought about it. I thought about Jim in my life, our intimacies, not just of a physical nature, but mentally as well. “I would have, yes.”

Jim blew out a breath.

“But he is not me. I cannot speak for what he would accept.”

“I know,” Jim said softly. “And anyway, we’re not the two of you, no matter how I might wish otherwise.”

“He does care a great deal for you.”

“I know that too. But he’s never been with a man that I know of. Or even thought of one that way. Romantic love is not the same as friendship love or even a sense of brotherhood. Just look at me and Bones.” He put his teacup down with a grimace. “It’s cold.”

“Do you wish for me to heat it?”

“No. I’ve had enough. Spock, do you-knowing everything you know now, do you ever regret being with Jim?”

“Knowing I would spend so much time without him?”

Jim licked his lips, nodded. “Yeah.”

“There are many things that over time I might regret, if I allowed such an indulgence, but being with Jim…never.”

“You never wished you settled down with a Vulcan who would live with you until the end of your days?”

I shook my head. “There was really only Jim for me. Even I had an occasional dalliance before we admitted our true feelings, but the depth of love I felt for Jim was never equaled.”

Jim blinked several times. “I don’t think I can live like that, with that. And I don’t think anyone could ever feel that intensely about me, anyway.”

“Jim—”

He pushed away from the table and stood. “I’m going to get some air.”

“I would prefer you not leave the apartment at this late hour.”

Jim squeezed my shoulder. “I meant out on the balcony. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

“Very well.” I almost told him to wear a jacket but then recalled his inability to differentiate from cold or heat. I picked up the teapot and cups as I heard him go out the sliding glass door.

The door to my room opened and my young counterpart emerged, not looking any more settled than when he had gone in to meditate.

“Where is the captain?” he asked, looking around.

“Relax, Spock.”

“I am not anxious,” he insisted. “Where is he?”

“Out on the balcony.” I began to wash the teapot and cups by hand. “You should tell him of the demise of your relationship with Ms. Uhura.”

“Why? It does not concern him.”

“Does it not?”

“No. And neither Nyota nor I will allow it to affect our work.”

“Suit yourself.”

“It is a private matter,” Spock said coolly.

“As I said, suit yourself. However, I believe that Jim will be hurt if you do not share the information with him as his friend.”

“It has nothing to do with him and has no impact on our friendship.”

“I see. Then you must do as you feel is right.”

He opened his mouth to speak further when we both heard phaser fire coming from the balcony.

Spock turned immediately, rushing to the balcony. As he reached it, Jim flung the door open, crouched down low, and rolled into the apartment.

“Son of a bitch,” Jim cried. “Someone just took a shot at me.”


	22. Jim

“You’re lucky you weren’t hurt, sir,” Lieutenant Hendorff said after surveying the damage the balcony had sustained after the phaser blast. “That phaser was definitely set to kill.

Starfleet had sent over four security officers and Cupcake had been among them. He’d explained to me that he was working for Starfleet HQ while waiting for the Enterprise to be ready to go out again.

“Fast reflexes,” I replied.

“They served you well here, Captain.”

Another officer stepped up to me. This one had identified himself as Roscoe.

“Captain, I’ve just spoke to Admiral Womack. It’s his recommendation that we move your location,” Roscoe said.

“What?” I was already shaking my head.

“They have an apartment on HQ grounds we can move you to, sir. You’ll be better protected with Starfleet security around you.”

“Now just a minute—”

“I think it would be wise,” Spock spoke up from where he had been standing talking to Old Spock. “There have already been two attempts made on your life, Captain.”

“Hardly,” I protested. “Bones was never able to say for sure there was any poison or even what it was. And for all we know that phaser fire wasn’t even meant for me.”

“Surely you do not really believe that,” OS said softly.

“Captain, be reasonable,” Roscoe said in a much too soothing voice. It irritated me. “The apartment Admiral Womack has in mind for you is at least as suitable as this one. More so. It has many amenities. Three bedrooms and three baths. A bigger kitchen. An office for you fully equipped with Starfleet issued computers. There’s even a Jacuzzi in an atrium room.”

“Tell Admiral Womack we will take it,” Spock spoke up before I could reply.

“Spock—” Then I frowned. “What do you mean…we?”

“Since there are three bedrooms it makes sense for me to take the third bedroom if my counterpart takes the second.” Spock looked to the older Vulcan. “I assume you intend to make the move with the captain?”

“Most assuredly so.”

“I do not need two Vulcan bodyguards.”

“I disagree.” Spock turned to Hendorff and Roscoe. “Make certain that whatever the captain would like moved to the new apartment has been moved with haste. And have someone pack up his and Selek’s things to move as well.”

“Yes, Commander,” Hendorff said and the two security officers moved off to do as Spock told them.

I folded my arms across my chest. “This is ridiculous. I don’t need all this fuss.”

“It is hardly fuss. We are a simply changing your location to a more secure one.”

“With a view of a building. Woo hoo,” I said sarcastically.

Spock merely arched his brow and then excused himself to see to the arrangements.

“It is natural to be in an agitated state after being shot at by anonymous sources, Jim,” OS said, coming to stand next to me.

“I’m not.” I blew out a breath. “I just…I don’t need all this.”

“You think you are unworthy.”

I laughed without humor. “Don’t start analyzing me.”

“I assure you that is not my intent. Nor would I need to. I am well acquainted with the way your mind works.”

At the reminder of being there being another me he’d known so intimately I sagged against the kitchen counter I had been standing near. “Maybe he would have deserved all this fuss, but me?”

“Jim, you will learn your worth to others someday. Your crew admire and respect you. You have their loyalty. Spock cares a great deal for you. He may not know how to show it, but I know.”

“Yeah, cause you know all about him too. And that’s weird.”

“Perhaps,” he acknowledged. “But no less true.”

“I liked it here. It was…comfortable.”

“The new place will be also.”

I smiled a little. “I guess I should be glad it doesn’t have four bedrooms. Bones would move in, too.”

“Indeed.”

“Captain Kirk?” Another security officer approached. “We’re ready to move you personally, Captain. Your belongings will follow.

I sighed. “Okay.”

****

“I don’t like this, Jim.”

“I knew you wouldn’t, Bones,” I said, handing him a cup of coffee from the replicator in my new apartment. Roscoe had been right. It had all the latest bells and whistles. The replicator was producing food and beverages that actually tasted like they were supposed to. I wasn’t sure I’d even need to do any real cooking. And it talked too. “Coffee with cream.”

“Working,” the replicator stated. Then out came my coffee. “Coffee with cream, Captain.”

Bones made a face. “How does it know that?”

“They programmed it with voice recognition according to Lieutenant Roscoe.”

“This place must cost a fortune.”

“Womack’s covering it.” I shrugged at Bones’ questioning look. “I couldn’t afford a place like this on what I earn. Told me he wanted to put me up in a place like this before I even got out of the hospital. I refused. Said it seemed overkill. But now…here I am.”

“You’re the Federation golden boy.”

“For now. Until I screw up again.”

“Where’s my room anyway?” Bones demanded.

I chuckled. “I told old Spock you’d want to live here too.”

“Well. Why does Spock get to stay here? I’m your doctor. He’s just…I don’t know.”

“My first officer and Mother Hen. Says it’s his duty to protect me from the evils of the universe.”

“He said that?” Bones sipped his coffee. “Damn.”

“What?”

“It’s good. Really good.”

“Told you. And no he didn’t use those exact words but the implication was there.” I suddenly realized I was hungry. “Vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, peanuts, whipped cream, and a cherry.”

“Working. Hot fudge sundae, Captain.”

I shook my head and took the treat from the replicator. It had graciously added a spoon. “Now _this_ I could get used to.”

Bones eyed me as though he wanted to say something but was unsure if he should.

“Spit it out, Bones.”

“I heard a rumor you went and got yourself laid by an Orion girl.”

“A rumor?”

“All right. So straight up information.” Bones took another drink from his coffee. “It’s true, isn’t it?”

I dove into the sundae. “Yeah. What of it? Weren’t you the one who used to give me advice to go and get myself some sex to cure all that ailed me?”

“Not all. Just your melancholia. But I don’t think I ever said Orions.”

“I like to live dangerously.”

“And that’s what I’m worried about.”

“Bones, you worry too much.” I offered him a bit of my sundae, but he shook his head.

“You don’t worry enough. You’re not immortal even with that super blood singing through your veins.”

I stared down into the ice cream. “I feel different.”

“Different?”

“Yeah. I can’t really explain it but there are differences. I don’t get cold or hot. And that’s gotta be weird.”

“None of the tests I’ve done have shown any reason for that. Everything about you seems to be functioning normally. Maybe even above normal,” Bones told him. “I suspect you’ll live longer than you would have before the transfusion. That is if you don’t get yourself killed. In some future foolhardy mission or whoever is out to get you now.”

I smiled a little and took another bite of ice cream. “Any theories?”

“None. You’ve certainly made enemies, Jim. There’s no denying that. But specifics? I have no clue.”

“Me either.”

“Where is the hobgoblin anyway?”

“I think he’s meditating in his new room.”

“No the younger one. Our hobgoblin.”

“Bones, who knew you cared?” I laughed. “He had to go get some things from his apartment. Maybe he’s even doing a booty call with Uhura.”

“Now that’s something I didn’t want to imagine,” Bones retorted.

My smile faded. “Yeah.” I put the now empty bowl down into the chute that whisked it away. "Come on, let me give you a tour."


	23. Spock Prime

“The view out here sucks,” Jim said as he opened the sliding door onto the balcony of the apartment he’d been given at Starfleet Headquarters.

I stood at the railing already having preceded him outside. It was a balmy day, warm and breezy. As they often did my thoughts had turned to Jim. _My_ Jim. And our life together. Though we had spent time together in our farmhouse in Riverside, Iowa, we also kept a San Francisco apartment. We had spread our time between the two, though I knew Jim preferred the farmhouse. Very unlike the Jim now standing next to me who only had poor memories of Riverside.

No matter how many years passed since I was last with Jim, my thoughts turned to him more often than not. No amount of time could dull my regard for him.

“You’re thinking of him, aren’t you?”

I saw no point in denial or deflection. “I am.”

Jim sighed and leaned on the railing. “It must be so difficult for you. I hate that. I hate that you have to hurt so much.” He turned toward me. “If there’s anything I can do for you. And I mean _anything_ , I’m here.”

I knew what he was offering. Saw it in the intensity of his gaze, his emotions radiating from him in ways no other humans were truly as capable of. And though I found the idea, the offer, altogether too tempting, I knew I must refuse. For all of our sakes.

“There is nothing I need save your friendship, Jim.”

Regret flashed briefly on his face followed by such unbearable loneliness I almost called back the words, but he turned his face away to gaze out once more.

“The other view was better.”

“I agree. But they thought it prudent—”

“To keep me under surveillance. Yes. I don’t really need this. Or two babysitters either. I’m fine on my own.”

“You always have been,” I supplied for him.

“Damn right. I’ve found over the years I’m the one I can rely on.”

“Mm. And Dr. McCoy?”

“I love Bones. He’s a good friend.”

“But?”

Jim snorted, shook his head. “I still rely on me. I don’t _need_ anyone. I’ve found life works much better when you come to accept that.”

“Perhaps you do not. I hope you will still accept my friendship and devotion to ensuring your well-being nevertheless.”

“I do,” Jim said softly. “Of course I do.” He turned to look at me again, this time leaning his back against the railing. I could not help but survey it to determine how safe it was for him to do so. If he noticed my perusal, he did not comment. “And now? I get to deal with Spock having Uhura over for sexual congress.”

I stiffened, my gaze going to him, momentarily satisfied with the structure of the balcony. It pained me to see him hurt by something entirely unnecessary.

“I do not believe you will need to be concerned with night time visits from Nyota Uhura,” I replied.

“Yeah.” Jim blew out a breath. “Spock’s not likely to be so indiscreet as to bring her here. He’ll go to her place.”

I shook my head. It was not my place to tell Jim the news, but I would not allow him to be needlessly tormented by my counterpart. Not when my interference could ease his concerns in that regard.

“It is my understanding that they are no longer engaged in a romantic relationship.”

Jim’s expression did not change, which honestly I found remarkable. This Jim played it very close to the chest. “When did that happen?”

“Very recently, I believe.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. Well, he hasn’t told me.’

“That is unfortunate.”

Jim smiled slightly. “Not altogether surprising though.”

I could not read him currently which vaguely disturbed me. “Are you all right?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He raised his eyebrows. “You know what? Are you hungry?”

Slightly disoriented by the abrupt change of subject, I slowly nodded. “Yes.”

He flashed me a smile that surely could have melted the coldest heart. He squeezed my arm. “There’s a vegetarian restaurant literally half a block up from here. It’s supposed to be really good. What do you say we head out for dinner?”

“That would be agreeable.”

“Dinner?” The sliding door opened and Spock peeked his head out. “Did I hear dinner?”

“Indeed,” I replied. “Jim and I are headed out to a nearby vegetarian restaurant. I am certain you are welcome to join us.” I looked to Jim.

“No objection from me.”

“Very well then.”

Jim entered the apartment as two Vulcans trailed behind him as he made his way to the front door. I wondered if he realized we would follow him anywhere.

****

Jim was staring down at his menu and Spock was staring at him.

How neither one of them was aware of how besotted the other was I knew not. It was plain to see.

As soon as Jim’s gaze rose, Spock pretended to be looking at his own menu. “What are you going to have?” He directed the question to me.

“Spinach, Avocado and Walnut Sausage Florentine.”

Jim frowned. “Walnut sausage?”

“Indeed. It is meatless.”

“Uh.” Jim smiled and turned his attention back to the menu.

“Captain, I believe you would find this to your liking.” Spock leaned toward Jim and pointed at Jim’s menu.

“Mushroom spaghetti with marinara sauce,” Jim read. “Okay, yeah. That sounds good.” He aimed a devastating smile in my counterpart’s direction. “Thanks, Spock.”

“You are most welcome, Captain.” Spock straightened noticeably. “I am going to have the Mushroom and Leek Brioche Tart.”

“Sounds better than walnut sausage.” Jim looked at me sheepishly. “Sorry.”

I shrugged. “Whatever will please you, Jim. We all have our own individual tastes as to what will please our palates.”

We ordered our food wand waited for it to be brought to us. My young counterpart and his captain stuck to discussing the refit of the Enterprise. I let my mind wander to my time in San Francisco with my Jim. This particular restaurant had some vague familiarity and I wondered if there had been a similar place for us.

Though I had an eidetic memory even certain aspects of my life had become blurred at the edges, not quite as clear and potent as they’d once been.

Jim’s hand on my sleeve brought me out of my remembrances. “You okay?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Sorry we’re talking shop. Must be boring for you.”

“It is not,” I assured him.

“What were you thinking about?” Jim persisted.

“Another place, another time.”

“Oh.” He nodded and licked his lips.

Our food came then and we all concentrated on eating our dishes.

“That looks good,” Jim said to Spock.

“Would you like to try some?” Spock asked.

“Yeah, I sure would.” Jim grinned.

When Spock held a piece of the brioche toward Jim’s lips, I had to hide my amusement. I wondered if either one of them realized Spock was feeding him.

“Mmm. That’s really good,” Jim said.

“Would you like some more?” Spock offered. Spock broke off a hunk and put it on his captain’s plate without waiting for a response. Jim’s smile lit up brighter than the sun.

I shook my head and went back to consuming my own meal.

****

“So, I’m super tired,” Jim said with a yawn. “I’m going to bed.”

“Goodnight, Jim.”

“Night.” He gave me a soft smile and then to my surprise and secret pleasure, he stepped over to me and hugged me. My arms had barely come around him before he pulled away, squeezed my arm and then headed into his room, closing the door.

Spock took a step toward the closed door, then seemed to think better of it and drew himself up.

“When are you going to admit that you are desperately in love with Jim?” I asked, bluntly.

“Jim is my friend.”

“Yes. But you are still in love with him.”

He stared at me for a long time, silently.

“You should tell him.”

“You do not know of what you speak of.”

I arched a brow. “Do I not?”

Spock sucked in a breath. “I must meditate.”

I watched him bemused as he went into his room and shut the door.

“You cannot meditate this away, Spock. I have tried.”


	24. Jim

“How are you settling in your new apartment, Jim?” Bones asked me as he cut into his French toast.

I shrugged. “I think I’d rather be on the moon about now honestly.”

“The hobgoblins?”

“They mean well. The constant hovering is getting to be a bit much.” I smiled and took a sip of my coffee.

“You aren’t used to that kind of attention,” Bones agreed.

“What kind am I used to, Bones?”

“Sexual. Anytime someone tries to aim their emotional attention at you, you run like hell. Case in point, you just said you’d rather be on the moon. Always running.”

“When did it happen anyway?”

Bones frowned. “What?”

“That you got your degree in psychology. I sure don’t remember it.”

“Funny.” His face said it was far from it. “I don’t need one to read you, Jim.”

I snorted. Stabbed at my eggs. “Sure, I’m an open book.”

“Far from it. To most people. But I get you.”

Unfortunately Bones was right. He knew more about me than anyone. Drunken academy confessions could be blamed for that.

“Bones, have you ever been in love when it was the last possible thing you wanted or even should?”

Bones scrunched up his face. “Not really. When I was in love with the wife, she loved me back. And by the time she didn’t, well, I didn’t either.”

“She the only one you’ve ever loved then?”

“Other than a few teen crushes a million years ago, yeah.” Bones scrutinized me. “What are we talking about here, Jim? Who’s in love and doesn’t want to be?”

I shook my head. “No one I guess.”

“Jim?”

“I’ve never been in love. Did you know that? I liked some people. Had fun with them. Sometimes I used them when they cared more than I did. But love myself? No. And you know what?”

“What?”

“I didn’t even miss it.”

“And now?” Bones prodded gently.

“I thought it was supposed to be a good feeling,” I admitted.

“It can be.”

“Not for me. Anyway, just forget it.”

Bones chewed a few bites of his breakfast before saying anything else. “Who is it you’re in love with that you don’t want to be?”

I blew out a shaky breath. I wondered why I had even brought it up, but I supposed I eventually always revealed myself to Bones. “Take a guess.”

“The hobgoblin.”

“Right on the money.”

“Jim—”

“I know. Believe me I know. Did you know they broke up? Spock and Uhura?”

“No.” Bones frowned. “When?”

“Who knows? But he didn’t even bother to tell me. Sometimes I wonder if he even views me as a friend.”

“Look, far be it from me to defend the hobgoblin, but he did go after Khan and it’s thanks to his efforts you’re even here. Spock may not show his feelings like most do, but I do think he cares about you, Jim, and considers you a friend.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

I supposed part of me knew that but it was nice to hear Bones thought so. He wasn’t one to bullshit me.

Bones pointed his fork at my plate of eggs and potatoes. “Loss of appetite?”

I smiled. “Nah. Just too busy shooting off my mouth to shovel in food.”

“Well get to it then. Then we can go for a nice long walk around the city. Burn off some energy.”

“Okay, Bones.” I dug into my food and wondered how much longer it would be until I was in space again.

****

I don’t even know really how it happened. One minute I was almost to the door of the apartment building after saying goodbye to Bones about half an hour earlier and the next I was on my ass on the sidewalk, my equilibrium shot, and every part of my body feeling like it had been slammed into a wall or something.

“Jim!”

I peered up at my Vulcan first officer who somehow had appeared by my side. “Spock?”

“What has happened?”

“Uh. Guess I slipped on something,” I replied in something of a daze. “Can you help me up?”

To my mortification, he scooped me up in his arms.

“Spock! I can walk.”

“I am not so certain.”

“I just twisted my ankle a little and—”

He was carrying me into the building. I tried to ignore the stares we got from those around us. We were on Starfleet premises for God’s sake. I’d never hear the end of this.

“Spock, really,” I protested as we got into the lift.

“Captain, it is no hardship to carry you and I must examine your injuries. Behaving like a petulant child is unbecoming.”

“I’m not—”

The doors opened onto our floor and a man who was waiting for the lift stopped short when we exited.

“Captain Kirk? Are you all right, sir?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, Commander. Just a little slip.”

Spock continued down the corridor without pause. He scanned our apartment door to open.

“Are you going to put me down now?”

“Negative.” He carried me to the couch and carefully set me down. Every part of me ached but I didn’t want to admit that. He knelt down beside me and looked at my already swelling ankle.

“Does it look bad?” I reluctantly asked.

“No, but it is bruising and swelling. Where else does it hurt?”

I bit my lip and tried to look away but his gaze held mine and I didn’t manage it. “Kind of everywhere. If I didn’t know better, I’d think—”

“Yes?”

“I’d been stunned or something.” I laughed. “But obviously I must have slipped in water on the sidewalk or something.”

Spock frowned slightly. “There was no water.”

“Just my own clumsy feet then.” I shrugged. “Where’s the other one?”

“My counterpart went out sometime ago to meet with others. I was about to go for a walk when I came upon you sprawled on the ground. Where was Dr. McCoy? I was under the impression he accompanied you.”

“He did most of the day but we said goodbye a little bit ago cause he had somewhere else to be.”

“He should have escorted you home.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t need a damn bodyguard.”

“I am not so certain.” Spock rose. “I will get you ice for your ankle. Would you like some tea or coffee?”

“Yeah, tea maybe?”

“I will be right back,” Spock promised.

I leaned my head back on the couch and closed my eyes. A part of me loved Spock taking care of me. And I thought that was no doubt pretty fucked up. But having Spock’s undivided attention was a little thrilling.

“Jim?”

I blinked my eyes open and saw him standing in front of me, looking vaguely concerned.

I tried to reassure him with a smile. “Just resting my eyes, Spock.”

Spock wrapped an ice pack around my ankle and then handed me a steaming cup of tea. “You will need to stay on the couch for a while.”

“I can probably get up,” I protested but with no real intention. I didn’t want to move.

“There is no need. I will get anything you need for you.”

“Didn’t you want to go for a walk?”

He shook his head. “It is no longer necessary.” He sat on the chair nearest the couch.  

I looked down into my tea. “I hear you and Uhura broke up.”

When he didn’t respond right away I looked at him.

“True?”

“Yes,” Spock replied. “I believe Nyota and I had different expectations for our future.”

I nodded. “I see. Well, I’m sorry. Breakups are never easy.”

“You speak from experience, Captain?”

I laughed slightly. “Not really, no. Just have seen other people’s.”

“I believe that eventually Nyota and I will be friends, but at the moment, you are correct. It is not easy.” Spock hesitated. “I do not believe it will inhibit our ability to work constructively together, however.”

I smiled. “Good to know.”

“Would you like anything to eat, Captain?”

“Chicken noodle soup? But I can get it.”

“There is no need. I will be right back.”

I closed my eyes again. my mind went back to my fall outside and the slight buzzing I’d heard just before my limbs felt heavy and I hit the ground. There had been no one around that I had seen. I had to have imagined it. I didn’t think I had.  


	25. Spock

There were times when I looked upon my captain that I felt more at peace than I did with any other. And as I watched him sleeping on the couch, looking unerringly beautiful in his repose, I decided not to analyze the comfort and contentment just ensuring his safety brought me.

That I had once considered abandoning this for other avenues gave me great pause.

Satisfied that he would not wake in the next few moments, I went into my room to contact Ambassador Spock. He answered at once.

“Jim?”

“He is currently resting on the couch. He had a brief accident outside the apartment that injured his ankle, but otherwise he is well.”

“An accident? What occurred?”

I hesitated. “I am uncertain. He may have simply lost his footing, however, he did mention hearing sounds similar to the firing of a phaser just prior to his collapse.”

“Collapse?”

“He fell on the ground and twisted his ankle badly enough to sprain it.”

“You fetched Leonard?”

“Negative. Jim insisted it was not necessary for a simple sprain.”

“I should return.”

“There is no requirement that you do. Jim is in for the night and in my care.”

The ambassador paused. “My inquiries are not quite finished. I had intended to notify Jim that I will be out for the night and will return tomorrow.”

“I will notify him for you.”

“You sound quite eager, Spock.”

“I am merely trying to reassure you that Jim is in capable hands.”

He made a distinctly amused sound. “Very well, Spock. I believe this time spent between you and Jim will do you some benefit. Contact me if Jim requires anything.”

“Affirmative. Spock out.” I closed my communicator and placed it into the right front pocket of my trousers and went back out to where I’d left Jim. He was still asleep.

I made myself tea, sat in a nearby chair and worked on my PADD while he rested.

An hour passed before I became aware that his eyes were open and his gaze upon me. They were so saturated blue at the moment that it was impossible to look away.

“How long have you been awake?”

“Just a few minutes.”

“How does your ankle feel?”

“It throbs.”

“There is still the possibility of notifying the doctor and—”

Jim shook his head. “No, Spock.”

“Are you hungry, Captain?”

“Spock, we’re not on duty. We’re not even on the Enterprise.”

I nodded. “Very well. Jim. Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, a little.” He frowned. “Where’s Selek?”

“Ambassador Spock’s business necessitated he spend his night elsewhere.”

“Is he all right?”

“Yes, Jim. I spoke to him myself.” I stood. “What would you like to eat?”

“I don’t care. I’m not picky.”

“Wait here,” I told him, so that he would not get the idea to follow me into the kitchen. I determined it would be far easier to use the replicator then to attempt to cook anything. I had previously replicated soup for him before he'd fallen asleep. He had not finished it. I quickly went through Jim’s allergies in my head, and then punched the codes into the replicator for flat bread cheese pizza and a small salad. I brought him coffee as well.

“Thanks, Spock.”

“Your thanks are not necessary.”

“You’re not eating?” he asked, when I had simply returned to my seat.

“At present I require no nutritional sustenance.”

Jim laughed. “You could just say, ‘I’m not hungry’.”

I watched him eat for a while before I spoke. “Jim?”

“Hmm?”

“I am concerned for your welfare.”

“I’m fine, Spock. Just a little sprain.”

“As I understand it, I submit that you are far from fine. And I do not refer to your swollen ankle.”

“Then what do you mean?” Both of his brows were raised in question.

There was a slight upturn to his lips which were presently shiny from him recently licking them. I ignored the increase of my heart rate with no little difficulty.

“I do not believe that you simply fell outside any more than you had simple food poisoning before. I believe there have been attempts on your life besides the one while you were on the balcony at the other apartment.”

“For what purpose?” Jim asked.

“I cannot speculate. However I do not believe it wise for you to go anywhere without accompaniment.”

“That’s a little overly cautious don’t you think?”

“Negative. Your safety and welfare are of the utmost importance.”

For a moment his lashes lowered, hiding the blue, and for that I was grateful for it allowed me the chance to breathe. I was unexpectedly affected by his presence this evening in a way I found difficult to combat.

His lashes raised and he was looking at me again. “I appreciate your concern, Spock. But I’m not going to hide.”

“I am not asking you to hide, I am asking you to be cautious.” I paused. “If not for my sake or Dr. McCoy’s sake, then for the sake of the ambassador who cares a great deal for you.”

Jim sighed and leaned his head back against the couch. “Fine. I guess.”

“Thank you.”

"Spock?”

“Yes?”

“You know what? Never mind.” He smiled but I could see that it was one of his false ones. “It doesn’t really matter.”

“You may ask me anything.”

“I’m just wondering why you didn’t tell me about your breakup with Uhura.”

“I meant no particular offense. The ending of our romantic relationship was recent and I did not find the time as my concern was for your welfare.”

“So, you didn’t think it was none of my business?”

“Sharing personal information with parties not related to the matter is not a concept Vulcans consider relevant,” I admitted. “However, that it was information that should be kept from you on the basis it was not your concern never occurred to me.”

Jim laughed again and I found myself warmed by it in a manner I should not find so appealing. He did not explain his laughter but I was aware he found my response amusing in some way. I found I did not care as long as he laughed.

He had finished his pizza and salad and I got up to remove his plate.

“I can probably do that,” he insisted as I knew he would when I reached for them.

“I would prefer that you remain where you are.”

“The thing is, I gotta pee.” He smirked at me.

“Very well. I will return these to the kitchen and then come back to assist you.”

“I know how to pee, Spock.”

“To the bathroom as well you are aware.”

I shook my head and put the dishes into the chute before returning to the living room. I reached down to pull him to his feet.

I moved to carry him and he batted my arms away.

“I’m not a damn invalid. Just help me walk.”

“Very well.” I put my arm around his waist and turned toward him to find that our faces were unexpectedly close. My gaze went to his mouth as his tongue darted out to wet his lips. I began to wonder if he did it just to affect me.

“Shall we?”

I blinked. “Captain?”

His lips curved upward again. “Pee, Spock. Remember?”

“Yes, of course.” I pulled back enough to allow more space between us while still holding him upright. He limped toward the bathroom with my assistance and then he pushed the door open.

“Wait here,” he said. “Unless you want to see the goods.” He laughed again and closed the door in my face.

I leaned against the wall and waited, well aware that indeed I wanted to see ‘the goods.’


	26. Jim

“You’re staring again.”

Spock’s cheeks dusted green which I knew meant he was blushing. I wasn’t even sure why because it wasn’t as though I’d never caught him staring before. He dropped his gaze to the chess game between us, and then shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

“I’m not going to die from a twisted ankle,” I joked.

“I prefer we refrain from discussing your untimely demise.”

“It’s a joke.”

His eyebrow shot up into those curled bangs. “I do not find it humorous.”

I huffed out a breath and made my next move. “Why don’t you tell me something?”

“Like what?”

“Your life story?” I shrugged and leaned back in the chair Spock had placed me in after he’d insisted on escorting me to the bathroom. “The game is kinda boring. Made more so when nobody’s talking.”

“You know about me,” Spock insisted. “How are you on tea?”

“About up to my damn eyeballs in it. How about some coffee?”

“You will have difficulty sleeping.”

“Newsflash genius, I already have trouble sleeping. Coffee isn’t going to alter that.”

“You are grumpy.”

I winced and shifted in the chair. “Yeah sorry. I’m feeling kind of restless.”

Spock stood. “And you imagine coffee will calm you?”

“I can get it myself.”

“There is no need. Wait here.”

A part of me wanted to dash for the apartment door and hightail it down the hallway to the lift, but I knew Spock would catch me anyway and it would just make me look foolish in his eyes. More foolish.

He returned rather quickly, almost as though he imagined I intended to do exactly that.

“I would prefer you tell me about yourself,” Spock said as he handed me the coffee and returned to his seat.

I snorted at that and shrugged. “That is _not_ going to happen.”

“Why not?”

“It’s boring and tedious.”

Spock shook his head and moved his piece. “Then we are at an impasse, are we not?”

“Hm.” I was brooding and I knew it. “The truth is you already think badly of me.”

That earned me a look of surprise. And it seemed genuine.

“I do not.”

“What was all the up on charges shit then? Oh and filing a report.” I sighed. “You know what? Never mind. We’ve moved past that.”

“It does not sound like we have,” Spock said quietly.

I studied the chess game. “The thing is before I joined Starfleet I fucked up a lot. I don’t really want you to know about that.” With a firm shake of my head, I picked up my chess piece, moved it and declared, “Checkmate.”

Spock stared intently at the board as though trying to determine how I had beaten him again. He rose and began to pack it up in its container. Apparently he had decided a rematch was not in order and I was secretly relieved. When he returned to his seat he was eying me with a single focus that had me squirming under his scrutiny.

“If I tell you something about myself, will you also share with me?”

His question was spoken so softly I had to strain to hear. It had begun to rain outside and the heavy drops splattered against the windows. I hoped Old Spock was indoors somewhere.

Part of me wanted to refuse such a request, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair. So I picked up by coffee mug and slowly took a sip. “Okay. If you go first.”

I could always make some shit up depending on what he told me. And I might not even feel bad about it.

“Very well. When I was a child on Vulcan, every day my peers would find new ways to torment me over my heritage. At first they only did it sporadically. Perhaps one or two times a week. I was never certain what days I could expect their cruel words. The first time it happened I only barely managed not to cry in front of them. I forced myself to push aside any pain I felt. But this seemed to embolden them and after only a few weeks, their torment occurred every day.

When I returned home, I would hide in my room for a period of time until I could manage not to show any emotions regarding it to either of my parents. I knew it would only distress my mother, and it was no fault of hers, and my father would find it illogical that words could affect me so. And when there were times when my mother would guess there was something wrong, I shut her out further from my life even though I knew it hurt her, so that I could protect myself further from their cruelty.”

I couldn’t breathe. My chest ached like it had all happened to me and I could feel the prick of unwanted tears.

“One day I could not take it anymore and I fought with one particular tormentor who would not let it go. I was suspended from courses for a week. Much later, when Vulcan was destroyed, it occurred to me that my former classmates likely perished when the planet was destroyed. And I can only find sorrow for their fate.”

“You win,” I whispered.

“I doubt that very much,” Spock said seriously. His dark eyes were solemn and they bored into my soul.

The rain outside seemed almost deafening as I decided to share something perhaps similar to his own experiences.

“When I was in school I liked a girl. She was really pretty and popular. Every guy liked her. I sent her a note. Like an old fashioned one on paper telling her I liked her.” I shook my head. “She sent me one back that read, ‘Talk to me when your skin clears up’. If that wasn’t bad enough, the fucking bastard teacher saw me getting a note and came to where I was sitting and snatched it out of my hand and he read it out loud to the class. When I went home that night I was so upset I forgot to take the trash out. It was one of my chores. In the middle of the night my stepfather opened my bedroom door and dumped the trash can all over me and my bed.”

A tear spilled down my cheek and I wiped it. It was stupid getting upset over something that happened a lifetime ago. I shook my head and looked away from him.

“So anyway. That’s that.”

I felt his hand on mine before I even realized he had moved to kneel right in front of me. His fingers touched mine as I looked up startled into his eyes that were full of emotions I couldn’t begin to name.

His face leaned toward mine, his gaze going right to my lips.

And then the lights went out.


	27. Spock

As I rose to my feet, Jim immediately tried to get out of his chair and I held him firmly down with my hand on his chest.

“Wait here,” I told him in a voice that brooked no argument. Which meant he began to immediately protest.

“Get your hand off me and let me get up. It’s probably the storm.”

“Perhaps. But I intend to check it out to be sure. The timing is most curious.”

“Unless assassins conjured a storm, I—”

I removed my phaser and turned away from him. “As I said, wait here.”

“Like hell I will. If you’re expecting trouble, then I’m right there.” Jim stood up.

“You do not have a phaser. You will only get in the way.”

I pushed him back down and walked away from the sofa where he sat to inspect the apartment. I knew he wouldn’t stay put, he never listened to anyone, but I thought I could get at least some of the apartment cleared before he got in the way.

It was possible the storm was responsible for the blackout, and indeed I hoped it was, but the recent attempts on Jim’s life had me not trusting anything to chance. I would not let my guard down. Not here in San Francisco.

I first looked to the front door. It was still securely locked and there appeared to be no signs of anyone attempting to access it.

“Stay away from the windows and doors, Captain.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m not a damn invalid.”

He moved with surprising speed considering his twisted ankle and I was even more surprised to see he held a phaser in his hand. There was no time to ask him about it.

Outside the glass door leading to the balcony the storm raged on more fiercely than before. The wind blew harsh and rattled the glass.

“See anything?” Jim whispered.  

“Negative. But that does not mean no one is out there.”

“Well unless they scaled the building to get up to this floor it seems pretty unlikely.”

I had to acknowledge that, but I was still on edge. I didn’t stop him from checking the bedrooms, while I kept my gaze trained on the outside storm through the glass. He returned within minutes.

“Secure,” he stated in a flat voice.

“How is your ankle?”

“Throbbing.”

“You should return to sitting.”

He made a sort of snorting noise I determined meant he was either amused or annoyed. I suspected it was the latter. He did not do well with taking orders, most especially from subordinates.

“I am going out there.”

“Are you nuts, Spock? You’ll get drenched.”

I nodded my acknowledgement though belatedly I remembered he would not see me in the shadowed darkness.

“Fortunately I can change into dry clothes when I have determined you are safe.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Jim said, moving toward the handle that opened the door.

“Captain—”

“Your propensity to argue with me is really grating on my nerves, Spock.” He undid the lock and slid the door, moving out onto the balcony with only a slight limp. I was right behind him, ready to push him out of the way should it be necessary.

We were instantly assailed by pouring freezing rain and strong gusts of wind. Across the street the lights were on, but it was clear the lights in our building were out, giving more credence to the theory it was the storm and nothing particularly nefarious.

“There’s no one out here,” Jim declared. “And no sign that anyone has tried to get access.”

“Acknowledged.”

“Can we go back inside now?”

‘Very well.”

I followed him inside and relocked the door. I drew the drapes across as it wasn’t affording us much light. We both had the lights on our communicators that illuminated the rooms more anyway. 

“I was unaware you had a phaser.”

“I’ve been carrying it everywhere,” Jim said. He was standing in the dining area, pretty much dripping wet, with his hair plastered to his head. Likely I looked quite similar. “Whether or not someone’s trying to kill me, I don’t know. But I don’t intend to be an easy target.”

“You were likely stunned earlier when you twisted your ankle.”

“Sure. But why? And why not just kill me outright? Why go through the trouble of setting a phaser to stun if they want to kill me?”

“I do not know. Perhaps it was an attempt at abduction.”

“But why?”

“I have no way of knowing,” I admitted. I hesitated, then forged ahead. “I believe it would be wise to remove you from San Francisco.”

“Spock.” He shook his head. “You know what? I’m going to change. I’m sick of dripping on the floor. And you should do the same thing.”

I watched him limp away from me toward his room, but I would bring up leaving San Francisco again. For a moment I stayed outside his door, listening. It was not my intention to eavesdrop, but I still felt uneasy and I wanted to ensure he was all right.

****

“How long do you think we have to sit here in the dark?” Jim asked me from his position lying on the sofa. I had insisted he prop his foot up.

“It has been off one hour and thirty minutes,” I replied.

“I didn’t ask that.”

“I do not know how long, Captain.”

He sighed. “Maybe I should just go to bed. Except I’m not really tired.”

“Perhaps we can discuss moving you out of San Francisco.”

He didn’t reply or even move for five minutes and I was preparing to repeat myself when I heard the air whoosh from his lungs.

“Where to?”

“I do not know,” I admitted. “Perhaps someplace they would not expect you to go.”

“We don’t know for sure anyone’s really after me.”

“I believe someone is.”

“Maybe we should just let them get me then.”

Alarmed, I said, “Jim—”

“I don’t mean actually get me. But use me as bait or something.”

“There is no way I will allow your life to be endangered in such a fashion.”

I was surprised when he chuckled.

“Spock,  I didn’t know you cared.”

“You are my commanding officer, it is my duty—”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.”

I stopped the usual response and said, “You are my friend.”

“Spock?” His voice had dropped to low and soft.

“Yes?”

“Before the lights went out I thought…nah. Never mind.”

The power came on with a sort of popping noise and the apartment was once more bathed in light.

“Oh, thank God,” Jim said with a little laugh. “Hopefully that means the storm is just about over.”

“Do they bother you? Storms?”

“When I was a kid in Riverside, yeah. Especially when it would thunder and lightning. I’d run to Sam’s room to have him protect me.” Jim shook his head. “Like he would ever protect me from anything. But I thought so anyway.”

“I had a brother,” I suddenly found myself admitting.

His startled blue gaze went to me. “Yeah?”

“I have not seen him for a number of years,” I said. “Sybok. My father had him with a Vulcan woman prior to his marriage to my mother. He was disowned.”

“Disowned? For what?”

“He turned his back on logic and the Vulcan way.”

“Did you like him?” Jim asked.

I shrugged slightly. “I did not know him well. He was older than me by quite a bit. He was not around very much as my father seemed to find him intolerable.”

Jim bit his lip. “Is foregoing logic so terrible then?”

“To some.”

“To you?”

I inclined my head. “I am of two worlds, however, I made the choice to follow the Vulcan ways.”

He smiled a little but there was something off about it and I couldn’t quite figure out what.

“There is still the matter of your safety here in San Francisco.”

“Where else would I be safer? I have you and Bones and the ambassador and all of Starfleet here to protect me. Anywhere else I could go wouldn’t have all that. I’m not going anywhere. And I sure as hell am not going to cower in this apartment waiting for somebody to come and shoot me.” He stood up. “Are you coming or not?”

“To where?”

“I need a drink. There’s a bar on the corner. You can stay here if you want, but I’m going out.”

I did not want to go to a bar, but neither did I intend to allow him out of my sight. So I got up, grabbed my coat and followed him as he limped out of the apartment.


	28. Leonard

It was hard to see anything when I walked into the bar. For a moment, I just stood in the entrance area trying to figure out where I should be going. The music pounded loud enough to shake the foundation of the place and in the middle of the establishment was a large dance floor filled with gyrating bodies beneath strobe lights.

Normally I was all right with such a place. I’d been to many just like it. But as I was starting to get a little older, I preferred quiet, more subtle bars.

“Looking for someone, honey?” A Rigelian cocktail waitress in a short skirt stopped to ask me. She was carrying a tray packed with drinks.

“A handsome blond human and a Vulcan.”

She nodded. “Toward the back on the right.”

“Thanks.”

I made my way off in the direction she indicated. I shuffled through the thick crowd of revelers, many of them running into me as I went.

Then I spotted Spock.

He was sitting alone in a tiny little booth. In front of him was a rather bright yellow drink in a beaker looking glass. It appeared untouched. I couldn’t see Jim, if he was there.

With a frown, I approached the booth. “Spock?”

He looked up at me with his usual blank expression.  “Thank you for coming, doctor.”

“Where is Jim?”

Spocks gaze shifted to the dance floor. “Out there. He came in, had one drink, a woman approached to ask him to dance and he’s been out there ever since.”

I slid into the booth. “What the hell? You’re supposed to be keeping an eye on him.”

“That is why I contacted you.”

“I can’t even see him,” I grumbled, peering out into the sea of bodies. “Are you sure he’s still out there?”

“I am reasonably sure.”

I eyed his drink. “Is that yours?”

“Jim ordered it for me. It is cloying in its sweetness.”

I picked up the drink and tried. “I see what you mean. Spock, what the hell are you doing here?”

“Jim insisted. I could not let him come alone.”

“I thought you said he had a hurt ankle.”

Spock’s lips pursed. “He appears to have recovered.”

“And now you’ve lost track of him anyway.”

I was about to rise and go out to the dance floor to retrieve him when he unexpectedly appeared at the booth. He had a wickedly mischievous look on his face and there was a brunette woman clinging to his arm. She was barely clothed. I didn’t miss the stiffening around Spock’s shoulders.

“Bonesy! When did you get here?”

“A minute ago.” I stared down the woman who was trying to lick Jim’s neck. “Take off.”

“Hey,” Jim protested.

“I’m his doctor and he needs medical attention.”

“Medical attention?” She pulled away from Jim and looked at him doubtfully. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing.”

“He might be contagious, now shoo,” I told her waving my hand at her. Her eyes widened and she hurried away.

“Bones, really?” Jim shook his head. “What are you doing here anyway?” He glared at Spock. “Did you tell him to come?”

“Let me see your ankle.”

“It’s fine.” Jim lifted his leg and stuck in across my lap. “Good as new.”

“Spock said you hurt.” I ran my tricorder over his ankle.

“So it was Spock. Gee, thanks, Spock. Now he’s ruining my fun.”

“Oh grow up.”  I frowned and pushed his leg off me. “Completely healed.”

Jim grinned. “Told you. That super blood has its perks.”

“Shh. You never know who is listening.”

“Shove over, Bones. I don’t want to sit next to grumpy.” Jim flicked a glance at Spork who got even more rigid as Jim slid into the booth next to me. Almost on my lap. 

“If he’s grumpy who can blame him? Your crap would make anyone grumpy.”

“I am not grumpy. I am merely concerned for your welfare,” Spock said primly.

“Don’t be. I’ve been taking care of myself for all my life and I sure as hell don’t need anyone else now up in my business,” Jim snapped.

“That’s enough alcohol for you,” I said quietly. “You’re getting nasty.”

“Fuck you, too.” His gaze went past me then to someone heading our way. I craned my neck around him and saw Selek approaching, wearing one of those plain cream colored Vulcan robes. “Son of a bitch. Him too? You ganging up on me? Is this an intervention?”

“Jim—”

“I need some air.” He stood up then and brushed past Selek and headed for the exit.

“I should go after him,” Spock said, beginning to rise.

“I will go,” Selek said.

I shook my head and got up. “Stay here, both of you. He needs me. Trust me.”

I found him leaning against the side of the building next to the bar. “What the hell was that?”

He closed his eyes. “So I’m being an ass.”

“Yeah you are. Those two Vulcans care about you.”

Jim shook his head but he said nothing so I reached for his shoulder. The minute I touched him he shrugged me away. “Don’t.”

I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “Is that still going on?”

“What?” he asked warily.

“The touching thing. You don’t like to be touched.”

“How’d you know? I didn’t tell you that.”

“I’m all powerful and all knowing,” I said with a smirk. “I’m your goddamn doctor and your best friend. Jim, you can’t hide anything from me.”

“It comes and goes. Mostly.” Jim scrubbed his eyes. “God, I’m wasted.”

“No kidding. How many drinks did you have?”

“A few. One with Spock and then a few on the dance floor. With Farrah. Or whatever her name was.”

“What about her touch?” I asked, curiously.

Jim grimaced. “Made my skin crawl. But I have to get over this shit, Bones. This is stupid.”

“What about Spock?”

He looked at me startled, sort of like a deer caught in headlights. “What about Spock?”

“You know what I’m asking.”

“Forget him,” Jim said softly. “Forget both of them. They’re crowding me and I don’t like it.”

“Jim, they care about you.”

“No they don’t!” He’d raised his voice and then looked away, eying a rat who scurried by. “They don’t.”

“Then why are they here, Jim? Why are they sharing an apartment with you?”

“Him.”

I frowned. “Him who?”

“The other one. The other fucking Kirk. Bones, Spock, the one you call Selek, he loved _his_ Jim. They were _together_. As in a couple. They were t’hy’la.”

“What’s that?”

He snorted. “He doesn’t think I know. He called me it once and he blew it off like it was some really close friendship thing. But see he melded with me and stuff leaked through that I don’t even think he realized. But it’s something sacred and ancient to the Vulcans. Like a soulmate.”

“Then what about this Spock?”

Jim shook his head. “We aren’t. That’s the fucked up thing. This universe has as many differences as it has similarities. And that’s one of them. The thing is, he’s the way he is with me, because of his Jim. He feels love and affection for him and he can’t help but transfer some of that to me.”

I waited for the Tellarite who just exited the bar to walk past us. “And our Spock?”

“He’s going by what his counterpart says. He told him to be friends with me, to care about me, and so Spock did.”

“So, what? It’s not real?”

“Yes.”

“Jim—”

He came at me suddenly, grabbing the collar of my jacket. “And he’s got me all confused. How do I know what I feel for Spock comes from me and not from that meld and all he fucked me up with?”

“Feel for Spock? So you do love him?” I asked, softening my voice.

“I don’t know, Bones. I want to be with Spock but he doesn’t want me. I want to be with older Spock only I’m not good enough. It’s making me crazy. And I just-I just—”

“What?”

“I want them to leave me alone.”

I sighed and gently covered his hands on my coat with my own hands. “That’s not what you really want, Jim. Right now you’re drunk and feeling like shit and on edge.”

He nodded.

I smiled and put my hand on his neck. “Okay?”

“Yeah.” He blew out a breath. “Yeah, it’s okay now.”

“Time to go home and sleep it off. Right?”

“That place isn’t my home,” Jim said. “The Enterprise is.”

“I know. But while it’s being refitted, your home is at the apartment.” I paused. “With two Vulcans.”

He smiled a little. “Lucky me.”

“Luckier than I think you know, Jim.” I took out my communicator. “Come on out. He’s ready to leave.”

When the two Spocks came out of the bar, Jim wouldn’t really look at them.

“Are you feeling better, Captain?” Spock asked.

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Not really. But, uh, sorry.”

“No apology is necessary.” Spock approached Jim and before he could react, Spock had put his arm around Jim to support him.  “I will assist you.”

“I really don’t—”

“I will assist you,” Spock said again, more firm.

Jim smiled. “Okay.” Then he looked at Selek. “Uh. Hi.”

Selek’s lips curve very slightly. “Hello Jim.”

“Are you coming?”

Selek nodded. “Indeed.”

I moved to get on the other side of Jim to help him but Selek got there first. Jim looked like he didn’t quite know what to do with two Vulcans holding on to him, but I just shook my head and lead the way.


	29. Jim

“Where are you off to, Jim?”

My hand froze on the knob of the apartment door but I didn’t turn around immediately to face the old Vulcan who had snuck up behind me.

“Out.”

“Obviously,” he replied dryly.

I turned around and sagged against the still closed door. “Thought I’d get some air. Maybe some breakfast.”

“Based on your ill-fated attempt to be stealthy, I can only surmise you wish no company.”

I tapped my temple. “No offense or anything but I’m kind of too out of it to engage in Vulcan intellectual discussions of…well whatever.”

“You have a hangover.”

“A bitch of a one, yeah.” My hand covered the phaser tucked into the waistband of my pants. “Look, I’m armed and all, so I’m good to go.”

“You do not seem to take the attempts on your life very seriously.”

“I’m not even sure there have been attempts.”

“If you look at the situation from a logical standpoint—”

I grimaced, halting him with a raised hand. “Not logic. Not this morning.”

“Perhaps you should inquire after an aid for your hangover,” OS suggested. Helpfully, of course.

“I’ll do that.”

OS looked vaguely amused. “And now you are attempting false assurances to mollify me.”

I smiled in spite of myself. “I can see it’s not working. I’ll be back later. We can have a nice long chess game where I beat your ass.”

“Doubtful, but I shall look forward to the mental stimulation.”

I turned back around.

“Jim.”

“Yeah?”

“Do keep your communicator on and with you. Please.”

I nodded. “Okay. See you soon.”

By the time I hit the streets, I could breathe a little easier.

The clouds were blowing in and it felt like rain would arrive later in the afternoon. The air had that dampness to it and the scent of rain. I hadn’t bothered with a coat, though, because the weird lack of temperature thing was still affecting me. Maybe it would be like this the rest of my days.

It occurred to me as I shuffled along with other pedestrians that it might become a problem if I couldn’t tell when I was getting frostbite or if I was being burned. I might have to talk to Bones about all that.

I swept my gaze around as I walked but no one appeared to be paying particular attention to me. I’d gone maybe two miles when I found a place to go in for something to eat and drink.

It was little more than a bakery that happened to also sell coffee but that was good enough for me and I grabbed a table that gave me a full view of both the entry door and the glass paned window.

I’d been enjoying my coffee, a chocolate filled croissant and some tomato juice for about ten minutes before Spock arrived in the doorway. My Spock. I shouldn’t have been surprised. And I wasn’t.

I gestured to the lidded paper cup in the seat across from me. He frowned slightly as he approached my table.

“What is this?”

“Your tea.”

“You knew I was coming, Captain?”

“I know you better than you think I do. I know you both.” I shoved a biscuit at him that I had already prepared with a little butter and honey. “He sent you?”

“I sent myself.” Spock picked up the tea and removed the lid, lowering his nose to it and inhaling.

“It’s your spiced tea,” I murmured with a smile.

“I do not mean to intrude.”

“Yes you do. But it’s fine. I got my alone time in. As you can see I’m in one piece.”

“You have a hangover.”

“He told you?”

Spock hesitated, which was a little weird. “No.”

“You guessed then? Given my excessive drinking.”

“Something like that,” Spock replied. He broke off a bit of the biscuit I had purchased for him and popped it into his mouth. After he chewed and swallowed, he nodded. “It is quite good. I was unaware you knew my fondness for warm biscuits with honey butter.”

“Uhura told me once. She said it was something your mother would make. One of the human indulgences you allowed yourself. Once in a while you would order them during your Earth days.”

Spock nodded again, lowering his gaze just a little.

“It still hurts, doesn’t it?”

“To what do you refer?” he asked, his gaze rising.

“Talking about something related to your mother.” I looked away. “You get a little…” When I turned back I touched the  pads of my fingers to the corner of his mouth. “A little sadness right here.” Then I touched the corner of his right eye even more gently. “And here.”

He stared at me for so long and with such a strange intensity I almost thought I’d gotten it all wrong and he would go all Vulcan cool on me.

But then he said, “Yes, I miss her.”

“Sometimes—nah.”

“What?” Spock prodded.

“Sometimes I miss my mom, too.”

“Yet she is still alive.”

I smiled wistfully. “I know. Still.”

“She never came to see you in the hospital, did she?”

“She was off planet.” I always made excuses for her. She was always off planet.

“Perhaps you could make an attempt to contact her,” Spock suggested. “If such a gesture would be welcomed.”

“I’m not sure,” I said honestly.

Spock shook his head. “I do not understand.”

“What?”

“If I had someone like you, if you were in my life…” He shook his head again.

I watched him and waited for more clarification. When it didn’t come, I picked at a piece of my croissant. “You mean you wouldn’t avoid your child if you had one?”

“I certainly would not,” Spock agreed. “But as you well know there was a time when my father and I did not speak regularly due to his disapproval of my choices.”

“No one judges us more harshly than those that claim to love us,” I said, taking a sip of my coffee.

“Do you believe that to be true?”

“Mostly, yeah. But in all honesty, I probably judge myself more harshly than anyone else does.”

“I would agree with that assessment.” Spock took another bite of the biscuit. “What do you plan to do after this?”

“I promised the old man I’d play chess with him later. Other than that? I’m completely free.” I smiled. “Any suggestions?”

“There is a science museum—”

“Spock.”

“I was attempting humor,” Spock replied. Then he hesitated again. “If you do not mind, there is something I should have probably taken care of before.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“My mother has a sister in Alameda. She has been asking to see me since before Mother’s death and her requests have become more frequent since.”

“And why haven’t you visited her?”

“Before I could not find the time,” Spock admitted. “I did not try hard. I was trying to distance myself from reminders of my Human side at the time.”

I had an urge to reach across the table and touch his hand in comfort, but I resisted. We were friends and Vulcans did not welcome casual touches. “And since?”

“She resembles my mother in appearance a great deal.” Spock shook his head. “It is illogical to use that as a reason to avoid her request. Were she to pass on in this life before I visited her—”

“You would regret it.”

“Yes.”

“You can’t help how you feel though, Spock.”

Spock inclined his head. “It is a simple request. Will you accompany me?”

“Of course I will,” I agreed immediately. “But we’d better let the old man know. I don’t want him to fret.”

Spock nodded. “I leave that up to your good judgment.”


	30. Spock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me forever but it's finally done. My apologies!

It was illogical to delay going up to my mother’s sister house. We had arrived ten minutes earlier and still I stood at the end of the dirt, flower-lined path up to her door.

Jim had remained quiet as he stood beside me, but just his presence was a comfort. I did not know when that became what I needed.

“Spock,” Jim finally said. “Why are we here?”

“To visit my mother’s sister.”

“Perhaps we should do that then?” There was just a trace of humor in his voice but it was enough to get me moving. I touched my fingers to his arm and directed him up the dirt path to the wooded door with an edged rose glass insert.

It was Jim who knocked on the door. I was fairly certain he couldn’t help himself. His lips quirked at me as we waited for the door to be opened.

“What if she’s not home?” Jim asked after a while of waiting.

“I did not—”

The door opened, cutting off my words.

“Oh, goodness.”

My Aunt Eleanor stood in the doorway, hand at her mouth, staring at me and Jim. Her striking resemblance to my mother stopped the words in my throat. She had the same brown hair streaked with gray and warm brown eyes. She wore no scarf about her hair as Mother did. In fact, she wore her hair long and flowing about her shoulders. She was two years younger than Mother and as she dropped her hand from her face, her smile was an exact replica.

“James Kirk,” Jim spoke up when I could not. He thrust his hand out and she took it at once, holding it rather than shaking it.

“Oh, I know who you are,” Eleanor said, her smile widening. She looked at me. “I know who you are very well. Please, come in. This is such a surprise. Wonderful, wonderful.”

I allowed Jim to precede me into the house.

It was a typical Terran house with the front room a living room area with a sofa and a loveseat. To the left of that was a dining room and kitchen. I assumed the bedrooms were down the hallway just to the right of the living room.

“This is such a surprise,” she said again.

I found my voice. “I apologize for not notifying you we were coming. It was a serious lapse in protocol.”

Aunt Eleanor laughed at this. “Oh, believe me, I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all.” She turned to Jim. “Won’t you have a seat, Captain?”

“Jim.”

Her smile widened. “Jim. Then you must surely call me Eleanor.” She waited for Jim to sit. He chose the loveseat. “Would you like something to drink? Coffee?”

“Thank you. That would be nice.”

“Spock, why don’t you assist me in the kitchen?”

I went with her at once. Many years ago when I was only a boy Mother’s sister had visited us on Vulcan. She’d brought with her a husband named Tom. At one point Mother had informed me that they had divorced. As far as I knew my aunt had not remarried, but it was true that I knew very little about her current life. When I was an even younger boy, I had accompanied my parents to Earth when my father had been required to be there for a Federation meeting. It was then that I had met my aunt for the first time. She had been young, barely out of her teen years then and not yet married. She had been far too boisterous for the Vulcan boy who was still trying to find his place somewhere.

“Tea, Spock?”

“Please, Aunt Eleanor.”

“Oh, don’t be so formal. Just Eleanor will do. It seems so unnecessary to say Aunt every time you address me, doesn’t it?” She made a clicking sound with her tongue. She opened a cabinet. “I have a package of cookies in here somewhere.”

“You do not need to provide cookies.”

“I can’t have your young man here and not provide him something.”

I swallowed. I certainly hoped Jim could not hear us. ”He is my captain.”

She gave me a knowing smile that very much reminded me of Mother. “Oh, Spock. “

The ache in my side was building. “And my friend.”

“I am not blind,” Eleanor said softly. “I see the way you look at him.”

I was certain I did not look at him any particular way.

She pulled out a box that said thin mints. “Here we go. Does he like mint?”

“I do not know.”

She made that clicking sound with her tongue again. “How does he like his coffee?”

“With cream.”

She went into her refrigerator and took out a small carton which she poured into a cup. She then picked up the coffee carafe and poured coffee in over the cream. Peculiar.

“I can hardly blame you. He’s very handsome.”

“He is not—”

“Why don’t you bring him his coffee and I will be right out with tea and cookies.”

“Very well.”

I found Jim looking through a magazine that been left on the coffee table in her living room. It said Travel on the outside and showed what appeared to be a cabin in the snow. He set it down.

“Pretty cool she has old-fashioned magazines in here. Thank you.” He took the coffee. “Ever been to the snow, Spock?”

I took the seat on the loveseat beside him rather than sitting on the larger sofa. I almost stood back up and changed seats when I realized how my aunt would view it, but moving seemed illogical.

“I have once and I found it distasteful.”

Jim laughed at that. “Oh yeah? When?”

I hesitated. I did not really want to discuss my past relationship with Nyota, but he had asked. “Once during my time at the academy, Nyota and I went to Aspen during the Winter break.”

“Ah.” He nodded but I could not tell what his expression meant.

Eleanor came in then holding a tray with a teapot and a little ceramic cup, which she placed in front of me, another cup that contained her own coffee, presumably, and a large plate of the thin mints as well as gingerbread cookies in the shape of men. They appeared to be store bought as well.

“I’m afraid I’m not much of a baker,” Eleanor said as she took her seat on the sofa. “And I haven’t had a chance to get to the store for a few days, so I’m afraid this is what we’re left with.”

“Sorry for the unexpected arrival,” Jim spoke up.

She waved her hand at that. “Are you kidding? I’m thrilled. I don’t get many visitors.”

“A pretty lady like you? That’s surprising.”

She laughed. “Oh, I do like you, Jim. I can see you like to charm.”

Jim smiled. “I only speak the truth.”

She beamed at him and then turned to me. “I’m so glad you came. I have a box of some of your mother’s things and I’d love for you to have them.”

“Mother left items with you?”

“Most of them are things she had when she was on Earth of course. Before she met Sarek. But I think there are a few items she left behind during her last visit here.”

“When was that?” Jim asked.

“She came with Sarek a few times,” Eleanor replied. “The last time was about a year before her death. She came by herself. Stayed with me for a few days.” For a moment, Eleanor stared down at her own clenched hands. “It was a lovely time.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Jim said kindly.

Her gaze rose and she brightened instantly. “Thank you. Let me go get that box.”

She rose and hurried from the room.

Jim sort of shrugged and reached for a gingerbread man. He bit off the head.

A moment later, Eleanor returned with a box about the size of an old paper box. She placed it at my feet.

“I would have carried it for you.”

“Oh, it’s not heavy,” she assured Jim. “I’ll give you a moment. I need to check my laundry anyway.” She laughed as though it were amusing and then left me and Jim alone with Mother’s box.

I removed the lid as Jim peered over at the box.

The first thing I saw was an amulet with a chain and a Vokaya stone. It had been years since I recalled Mother wearing it but I did recall it.

“That’s pretty. You should give that to Uhura.”

“Nyota and I are not—”

“I know. But it might be nice. I mean who else are you going to give a necklace to? Unless you want to keep it.”

I inclined my head. “Perhaps.” Below that were a few pieces of clothing and some books, and then below that were what appeared to be letters, fastened together by an elaborate jeweled clip.

“Wow, hand written letters.”

I unfolded one. “It is a letter to my father.”

“Love letters?” Jim asked curiously.

“It would appear so.”

“God, that’s so cool. I’d love to find something like that from my mom to my dad.” Jim sounded wistful, though he was smiling.

“I did not know she wrote him letters.”

“You could read them one day. When you feel like it. I’m not surprised she wrote them. Humans have this huge capacity for love.”

I glanced at him, but he was looking into the box and not at me.

“She must have loved him very much,” Jim said softly as he looked at the last item in the box. It was a holo picture of Mother and Father standing on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. Mother looked as though she had been laughing and though normally Father looked unfailingly serious, he had just the tiniest of smiles on his face.

“Yes,” I said. “He loved her too.”

****

“So, I’ll wait outside,” Jim announced as we walked to the front door of my aunt’s house. “It was great meeting you.”

“You aren’t getting out of here without a hug, Jim,” she declared, embracing him.

I watched as he fought not to flinch. But to his credit he did not and he even hugged her briefly back, his dazzling smile not dimming one bit.

Eleanor watched as Jim, carrying the box of Mother’s things, headed to the hover car in front of her house.

“I really like him,” she said to me.

“Thank you for the box. And I apologize for not making visiting a priority sooner.”

Eleanor patted my arm. “I know you’re busy, Spock. I’ve always understood that.”

“Yes. But that is not the reason I put off visiting.”

“Oh?”

It all seemed so illogical now. And yet…difficult.

“You resemble Mother a great deal.”

At first she looked a little puzzled but then the confusion cleared to be replaced by sorrowful understanding. “Oh, Spock! I never thought.”

“My reticence was illogical.”

“No, it wasn’t.” She threw her arms around me. “I miss her too. I see so much of her in you. Your father, too. Yes. But Amanda shines through.” She pulled away and gave me a soft smile. “I suppose you’ll go back up to the stars again soon.”

“Yes. I follow my captain.”

She glanced out at Jim. “Take it from me, Spock. Don’t let him get away.”


	31. Spock Prime

“Hi Cutie. Ready to kick my ass?”

There were times when I was struck by the brightness of young Jim’s smile, how it lit up a room, how it quickened my pulse just a little more than it should. This was one of those times.

The foolishness of an old man, perhaps. But this was Jim and I could not deny I was eager for his company.

He was carrying a large cloth sack and his cheeks were reddened from the wind that had decided to descend over the city. Again.

“How did your visit go?” I asked, attempting not to blush at him calling me ‘cutie’. Old age was causing my control to be looser than I would like.

“Good. She’s a nice lady. Looks just like Spock’s mom. Well. Um. Your mom. God, it’s too much for my head sometimes.” Jim laughed which was even more welcome than the smile. He didn’t laugh enough. Never had. This one.

“What is that you have?”

He wiggled the bag. “Something for us to munch on while you trounce me repeatedly.”

“There is no guarantee I will trounce you. At least not repeatedly.”

He laughed again. “You’re the one who told me you know all my secrets when it comes to chess. A completely unfair advantage I might add.”

“Where is Spock?”

“He went off to meet Uhura for tea or something.” Jim shook his head. “Oh, I know that look.”

I arched a brow. “What look?”

“You disapprove. Anyway, it’s fine. You and I had plans anyway. I think, you know, they’re trying.”

I could not quell my alarm. “Trying? To reconcile?”

Jim shrugged at that. “Nah. I mean I don’t think so. Could be. But I got the impression it was more trying to be friends kind of thing. I’ve never actually tried to be friends with someone I fucked before.” He winked at me. “Have you?”

I considered the question. “Perhaps.”

“Oh, now the curiosity is gonna kill me. Let me get us some beverages and then I’m all yours.” He moved off toward the kitchen, yanking off his coat as he moved. I was a little surprised he had bothered with one.

“Are you feeling the weather again?”

“You mean cold or hot?” Jim called from the kitchen. “Not especially. I just figured I ought to look like everyone else. Normal or whatever.”

“Dr. McCoy can’t find any physical reason for it?”

“Nope. Probably I’m just crazy. But we knew that anyway. Orange spice or that smoky shit you like?”

“Lapsang.”

“Is that what you want or is that your attempt to teach me the name?”

“Both,” I replied. I was charmed by Jim in a mood like this. Charmed but also a little wary because I was uncertain if it was genuine or another act of his. This young Jim was very good at hiding himself when he wanted.

A moment later he brought a pot of Lapsang tea with a little brown cup to where I sat on the sofa. I sat on the end of the left side of the sofa and there was a matching loveseat next to it and a table between them. It was there where I had set up the chess set so Jim took his seat there, his large hand cradling a rather small mug of what smelled like gingerbread coffee.

He opened the bag he had brought in when he arrived and withdrew a glazed donut which he set in front of me and then a chocolate one that he set next to him.

“So spill it, Cutie,” Jim said with that dazzling smile. "Tell me your long lost secrets regarding befriending ex-lovers.”

“As you know there was a significant time before Jim and I were together.”

“Yep. You didn’t reveal your romantic feelings. I remember. Who was it then? It wasn’t him was it?”

I hesitated as I watched him move his first pawn. “In a way, yes.”

Those blue eyes narrowed. “What way?” He picked up his donut and took a large bite.

“I did not recall Jim after I was revived or the relationship we had been building.”

“I remember some of that from the meld.”

“Yes, and so, when one does not remember such a thing, it is difficult to go right back to the way it was. Sharing romantic feelings you are not even aware you had. Or the intimacy that goes with it. It was difficult for Jim. More than for me. He remembered we were together but I did not.”

Jim was quiet for a while. “Yeah. I get why that would be hard for him. But you didn’t really break up.”

“Perhaps not in the strictest terms, no. But dying did have a very negative effect.”

Jim stared at me, then shook his head. “Talk about an understatement. Eat your donut. And it’s your move, by the way.”

I made my moved and then reached for the gooey, glaze-ridden donut. “I should not indulge.”

“Please. You’re like a rail. And don’t tell me you don’t eat donuts either. And anyway I checked and it’s all vegetarian.”

“So no sexual relationship ever developed into a friendship?”

He snorted at that. “Relationship? I run from those. I don’t stick around long enough for the R word. Honestly, that’s been okay for me. It’s hard to get disappointed when you never set yourself up for it, right?”

“Hmm.” I watched him make another move. “Perhaps. But you have faced disappointment.”

“Yeah. Like when I got demoted.” Jim nodded. “Pike telling me I wasn’t ready, that was…difficult.” Jim moved again. “Anyway, let’s not talk about that.”

“A change of topic is in order,” I agreed. “You ran into nothing suspicious while you were out?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “You mean my assassin or whatever?”

“Jim.”

“No I didn’t run into anyone out to get me.”

“Jim, we are concerned for your safety.”

“I appreciate that. I’m not the milquetoast type, ready to cower in my apartment because of some vague threat. I don’t even know that there’s a reason to be concerned.”

I steepled my fingers before moving my knight. “The poisoning—”

“There’s no real proof of that is there?”

“You’ve been shot at more than once.”

“Okay, maybe but—”

“Is it so difficult to be careful?”

“I am being careful. At least as careful as I can be.”

“Perhaps for the sake of those of us who love you, you would try just a little harder.”

Jim made a face. There was no other word for it. “God, you said the L word.”

“Jim,” I admonished.

“Look, I’m trying, all right? I am not going to become a shut-in and I’m not going to live my life looking over my shoulder for the boogey man or his minions. But I’m trying.”

I nodded. “I appreciate your consideration.”

“Great.” He smiled. “And by the way?”

“Hmm?”

“Checkmate.”

“You deliberately distracted me.”

Jim laughed. “I guess you don’t know all my tricks after all.”


	32. Jim

“What exactly are we doing here?”

I glanced at Bones and couldn’t keep the grin off my face. “That’s your disguise?”

“You didn’t specify what I had to look like. You just said come disguised.”

“No, it’s perfect. You make a pretty cool Andorian. Those horns are cute.” I reached up and tweaked his antennae.

Bones frowned and smacked my hands away. “Watch it. You might be coming on to me.”

I chuckled. “So? How’d you get your skin so blue?”

“I have my ways.” Bones advised me. He adjusted his white wig. Or at least I thought it was a wig. He looked great really. If I hadn’t known him I’d never guess he wasn’t really an Andorian. He eyed me. “What are you?”

“Just a shady mercenary.”

“Gotta admit the beard looks pretty good,” Bones allowed, taking in my appearance. Besides plain drab pants I wore a pale red cape with a hood. “If not for the beard, you’d look like little red riding hood.”

“Funny.”

“Hard to hide those blue eyes of yours though. They look neon against the dirt you smeared all over your face. Is that a scar?”

“Uh-huh. Wanted to look lethal.”

Bones snorted at that. “You’re far too pretty to look lethal. So what _are_ we doing here?”

“I got a lead on who might be out to get me.”

“Yeah? I thought you doubted anyone was.”

I nodded. “I still do. But might as well look into it. A guy in there is looking to hire a couple of mercenaries to assassinate a high ranking Starfleet officer.”

“You think you’re high ranking?”

“Compared to some, yeah.” I grabbed his arm. “Let’s go.”

“Wait a second. Does Spock know you’re here?”

“Which one?”

“The one who’s going to kick your ass when he finds out what you’re up to,” Bones replied. “Where’s the other one?”

“Asleep on the couch.”

Bones narrowed his eyes. And it looked funny on Andorian Bones for some reason. “The way you said that. You didn’t have anything to do with him sleeping, did you?”

I shrugged. “Nothing harmful to Vulcans. Just a little sleep aid. I put it in his Lapsang. He won’t wake up before I’m back. So no worries. As for the other one, he’s playing house somewhere.”

“You never make any sense and usually I try to figure you out, but this time, forget it. Let’s get this over with. I should be home sawing some logs.”

The tavern was one of those kinds that they named seedy taverns after. Full of unsavory characters, lecherous aliens, and dangerous murderer types. I used to thrive in places just like it. I cut my teeth on taverns and bars that made this one seem tame by comparison.

I made my way toward the bar but I skipped the first bartender and headed for the one on the opposite end. A woman with a patch over her right eye.

“Two Romulan ales.”

She eyed me and Andorian Bones behind me. “You looking for Joe?”

I played it cool and shrugged. “And if I was?”

“You’d find him in the back room. And if you’re looking for him, you’d know the code to get in.” She turned her back on us, bent down, and then straightened back up, holding out two bottles. I took them from her and headed down the hallway she’d indicated.

“That stuff’s illegal,” Bones muttered.

“What are you...the authorities?” I reached a door. It was the only one back there, so it had to be it.

“I don’t like this,” Bones whispered, looking around.

“Shh.” I entered the code I’d learned and after a slight pause, during which I’d been holding my breath, the door clicked open.

Seated at a desk was a man who appeared to be part Klingon, judging by the ridges in his forehead, and part something else. I wasn’t sure. His skin was rather a pale shade of violet. His eyes were green and cat-like.

I set the ales on the desk in front of him.

“Marlboro?” he asked, his voice raspy.

“That’s right.”

His gaze went to Bones. “Who is he?”

“He works with me.”

“I only pay for one assassin. Whoever does the job. Have a seat.” He gestured to two chairs in front of his desk.

Bones sat down immediately.

“I prefer to stand,” I said.

Joe steepled his fingers. “My client needs discretion. Nothing is to be traced back to my client under any circumstances. Should you fail or be caught—”

“I’ll be disavowed. I know the drill.”

Joe nodded. The comm on his desk beeped. “Yeah?’

“There’s a Vulcan here.”

“Son of a bitch.” Joe rose from his chair. “Sorry, this meeting is over.”

“What?”

“I’ve gotta go,” Joe told me. “Before—”

The door burst open and Joe yelled. He reached for a phaser.

And there was no way I could let him shoot the Vulcan who burst into the room. I chopped Joe on the neck, causing his phaser to go flying.

“Hey!”

Spock didn’t spare me a glance as he stepped up to Joe and pinched his neck. Joe dropped to the ground unconscious.

Spock looked at Bones. ”Doctor, you do not make a convincing Andorian.”

“What? How come? And how’d you know it was me?”

Spock next turned to look at me. He didn’t bother to hide the fury in his eyes.

“Did you follow us?” I asked.

“No. That I am here at the same time as you and the doctor is a fortunate coincidence. I came to see this man because I had heard information related to the attempts on your life. And yet you walk into the very den of danger.”

“I wasn’t in danger.”

Without taking his gaze from me, Spock said quietly, “Doctor, you are dismissed.”

“Now just a damn minute,” Bones protested. “Who do you—”

Spock looked his way.

“Fine. I’m leaving.”

“Bones—”

But he was out the door, closing it behind him before I could get another word out.

I found myself suddenly crowded against the nearest wall. A very pissed off Vulcan had me pinned in. Reminded me of another time.

I licked my lips. “Listen, if you’re going to choke me—”

He narrowed his eyes, reached over, and unceremoniously ripped off the facial hair I had so carefully applied. “I do not like this.”

“Ouch. Fuck. That hurt like a bitch.” I went to rub my face, then realized he had managed to trap my arms at my side. He was now really crowding me against the wall, his hands against it on either side of me. “Um. You know…personal space and all.”

“You are…” Spock stopped, closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again, he looked even more infuriated.

“I had a plan and it was a good one. If you—”

“Be quiet.”

“What?”

“Be. Quiet.”

“Listen, I’m the—”

And then suddenly he was kissing me. Deeply. Harshly. Hungrily. And I was kissing him back. Desperately. Passionately. Longingly. I never wanted it to stop. He’d moved enough so I could get my arms free and with my hands I clutched at the collar of his science blue uniform, trying to get as close to him as I could. And it was not close enough. I wanted to crawl all over him.

When Spock broke the kiss and moved his lips away, I tried to pull him back. I may have even whined a little.

He placed his hand firmly on my chest.

“Spock. You can’t start something like that and then just stop.”

“We must get out of here. Now. So indeed I can.”

“But—”

“Joe is stirring.”

“What?” I blinked, looking down at the man I’d come to see. Spock was right. He was moving.

There was a commotion in the hallway.

“Damn.”

Spock grabbed my arm and yanked me toward the back of the room. “There is a secret door.” He pushed something on a wall in the back, and it opened up. He went first, looking around, and then pulled me through the door and out into an alley.

“There is no time to linger.”

I should probably have protested his dragging me around like some caveman, but the truth was it was kind of hot. At the end of the alley, he turned and tugged me back out onto the street and then over to a hover car. He pushed me inside, ordered the car to take me to the apartment, and then closed the door with him on the other side.

“Spock!”

As the hover car moved, I saw him turn away and disappear into the crowd.


	33. Jim

Rather than turn around and return to where I’d last saw Spock, which is definitely what I wanted to do, I stomped up to the apartment building and entered. As pissed as I was presently at my first officer, I wanted to check on the older Spock. I had slipped him something that was supposed to be all right for Vulcans, but, well—

Also, there was the small matter, or not so small, of making sure Bones had gotten out of the not exactly the nicest area of San Francisco, to put it mildly.

I got into the elevator at the same time as a rather beefy looking Starfleet security guard who vaguely reminded me of Cupcake. For some reason, the dude suddenly made me nervous when I hadn't been up to that moment. I didn’t recognize him. It wasn’t as though I would recognize every single Starfleet officer living in the building or anything, but it made me aware I probably should be more cautious than I had been.

“Nice night,” he said into the quiet.

The hair on the back of my neck prickled. I tried to tell myself it was just the adrenaline from what just occurred at the establishment.

“Yeah, nice.”

He had pushed the button for the floor just below mine and when the door slid open on that floor, rather than get out, he pointed a phaser at my head. I was pretty sure it was set to kill.

“Get out, Captain.”

I knew that the worst thing I could do was to go with the guy, I’d be pretty much signing my own death warrant, but with a phaser pointed at my cranium I had little choice but to get out on the floor below mine.

I stepped out carefully, looking for a way, any way, to get an advantage. 

“That was ridiculously easy,” he bragged as he followed me into the hallway. “And you’re supposed to be the great Captain Kirk. My ass.”

I nodded. “You’re right. That was easy. You’re very clever.” I chopped at the spot between his neck and shoulder blade. I was a little surprised when the phaser went flying out of his hand. I hadn’t really expected it to work.

Immediately I kicked at his legs, glad when they wobbled enough that he staggered. Before I could knee him, he recovered enough to knock me to the floor. My head connected with it, which fucking hurt. I had no time to nurse my aching head though as he was coming at me again. I tried to scramble for his phaser but his arms closed around my legs. He dragged me back, turned me over and started beating my face. I kneed him in the groin.

“Fucker,” he exclaimed, as he wriggled off me.

I scrambled to my feet and headed for the phaser once more, even as I could feel blood trickling down from my forehead. My hand closed around it, I switched it to stun, and fired at my assailant.

He went down hard, as lumbering oafs do, at my feet.

I bent over, panting, catching my breath. Blood dripped down from a cut on my forehead to the floor. I straightened and pulled out my communicator even as I searched him for his Starfleet identification.

****

The minute I scanned my access to open the door of the apartment and stepped inside, the Ambassador rose from his feet.

“Jim!” He paled when he took in my less than stellar appearance. “Did-did Spock do this?”

I laughed at that, maybe a little hysterically. “No. Spock kissed me. The guy who did this tried to kill me.”

“Where?”

“Right here in this building.” I carefully lowered my aching body into the nearest chair.

“We must get you medical aid.”

I shook my head.

“Jim—”

“Already got it. I called Starfleet security and they hauled away the asshole that attacked me. They sent a medic over too. I’m just bruised and banged up. Nothing serious.” I frowned. “I’m worried about you.”

He was clearly startled by that as he moved to sit directly next to me. “Me? Why?”

“Are you okay? Any side effects?”

“Negative. You were the one attacked.”

“By an asshole hell bent on making a name for himself. You were drugged by someone you trusted.” I winced. Both from the ache still throbbing in my head and from my own actions. “I’m sorry. It’s just I couldn’t have you following me.”

“A small matter and I have no ill effects. I would ask that you not make it a habit in the future.”

He was so calm and serious about it I almost cracked a smile, though there was little to smile about. “Not again, I promise.”

“Did you know the man who attacked you?”

“Nope. He was vaguely familiar in the way all those beefy red shirts are but no.”

“He was from Starfleet?”

“Stolen identification and uniform I guess. No word on the condition of the guy he got it from though.”

“Jim, you must be more cautious.”

“I know, trust me, I know.” I sighed and rubbed at the back of my head. “How’d you know I saw Spock? He said he just happened upon me.”

Old Spock nodded. “He contacted me to advise that he had discovered you in a bad part of San Francisco and you were on your way back. I was becoming concerned when you did not return as soon as I was led to believe.”

 “That Vulcan is in big trouble.”

That earned me a raised eyebrow. “For kissing you?”

“Well, yeah. And for just shoving me into a cab and sending me off without a by your leave. Why’d he kiss me anyway?”

He gave me a rather indulgent look. “Can’t you hazard a guess?”

“Honestly? No. At the time I think it was just to shut me up.”

“Jim.”

“Jesus, he was with Uhura not that long ago. What am I supposed to think about all of this? And then to manhandle me and toss me into a cab to be sent on my way? I’m his commanding officer, for God’s sake.”

“I am quite certain your rank did not come into play at all.”

“Well. Anyway. You can’t just kiss me like that and say, oh, by the way, get lost.” My communicator beeped. I pulled it out of my coat pocket. “Speaking of Andorians.”

OS frowned slightly. “Who was speaking of Andorians?”

I just winked and smiled, then flipped open my communicator. “Hey, Bones. Are you safe?” I had contacted him during the whole fake security guard fiasco just to be sure he hadn’t been in danger of anything. I hadn’t reached him.

“Yeah, I’m safe. What’s going on? What’s with the frantic message?”

“After you left, Spock sent me back to the apartment.”

“Good.”

I rolled my eyes. “I was attacked in the building by a guy posing as Starfleet security.”

“Attacked? Jim!”

“Calm down. I’m okay. Just banged up.”

“I’ll be right over.”

“There’s no need. I was checked by a medic.”

“A medic? Give me a break. I’m on my way.”

“Bones—”

“I’m already leaving.”

“Be careful, okay?” I closed the communicator. OS was looking at me with a mixture of fondness and exasperation.  And I was suddenly feeling a little lightheaded over all the affection being sent my way.

_Oh._

_Shit_.

My eyes rolled back.

“Jim!”


	34. Spock

“He’s coming around,” the doctor declared, his hands plastered to Jim’s face.

I stepped closer, my gaze on him as his eyelids fluttered open. “Captain?”

The doctor carefully lifted Jim into a seated position even as his eyes popped open wide.

“Jesus!”

I fought an urge to push the doctor away so that I could take his place.

Jim frowned as he looked at McCoy. “What happened?”

“You collapsed is what happened. Your friend hit you on the head harder than you thought.”

“The attacker was not the captain’s friend, doctor.”

McCoy rolled his eyes. “Everyone’s a comedian. Your noggin’s fixed by the way. It’s a good thing you have a thick skull.”

“Thanks, doc.”

“’A medic checked me’. Yeah sure.” McCoy released the captain’s shoulders and closed up his bag.

Jim’s gaze switched to me and narrowed. “You. When did you get here?”

“That question is imprecise.”

“Spock.”

“A few minutes after the doctor,” I replied.

“We’re going to have words later,” Jim said, his eyes hard. He then glanced at my counterpart and gave him a much warmer greeting with a smile. “I didn’t worry you, did I?”

“Certainly no more than normal for you,” the ambassador said softly. He was sitting very close to Jim and I was trying not to care. Logically I knew he posed no real threat.

“I think it is best that you get some rest, Jim,” McCoy said. “It’s been an eventful night to say the least.”

“You said you fixed me.”

“And I did. But you still need to take it easy. You’ve got quite a few bruises from that fight.”

“Hmm. Do we know anything more about the guy who attacked me?” Jim asked.

I exchanged a look with Doctor McCoy.

“What?” Jim demanded not missing the look.

It was me who responded. “Security has alerted us that they have found the body of the security guard your attacker stole his identification and uniform from. His throat was slashed.”

“Great. So whoever is behind this is willing to kill other people to get to me.” Jim looked disgusted. “Did you learn anything back there?”

“No, most everyone had fled by the time I went back into the establishment,” I admitted. “I will accompany you to your room to see you settled.”

“I’m going to stick around and sleep on the couch,” McCoy announced. “Keep an eye on you for the night.”

Jim squeezed the doctor’s leg. “I’d rather you’re close by anyway. If they’re willing to kill strangers to get to me, who knows about those close to me.”  He stood up and I reached for him but he eluded my touch. “I can walk without assistance, thanks.”

 “Goodnight, Jim,” the ambassador called after him.

“Night.”

He held himself stiffly as we made our way to his bedroom and it was quite clear that he was still irritated with me. An aggravated Jim was not ideal.

Once inside the room, I closed the door.

“You wish to yell at me.”

He shot me a look of displeasure. “Yell? I don’t yell. But I am pissed.” Jim sat on the edge of his bed. “What the hell was that about anyway?”

As he began to remove his shirt, I went to him to assist.

“I was attempting to discover the identity of those who would seek to do you harm.”

“Not that.” He huffed. I was surprised he allowed me to pull his shirt off over his head. “You. “

I paused a moment, holding his shirt. “You refer to me placing you in a cab to return to the apartment? You are correct that it was in error. I should have personally seen to your safety. I will not make that mistake again.”

“I don’t need you to personally see to my safety, Spock. I handled that guy just fine.”

“It could well have gone a different way,” I said softly as I stared at him. “And that outcome is one I do not wish to think about.”

The aggravation on his face abruptly disappeared to be replaced by wariness and confusion. His tongue came out and traced over his lips.

“Well, you can’t watch over me twenty-four, seven, Spock.”

I would make every effort to do so though. I didn’t say that out loud, but the thought was there. I did not know when this human became the center of my universe but I could admit it now. To myself, surely. Breaking up with Nyota made perfect sense now no matter how unfortunate it might have been. And even if Jim did not share my romantic feelings, and yes that’s what they were, I would still stay by his side, a sentinel to his well-being.

Jim was watching me as he sat on the bed shirtless. His breathing had changed very slightly but it was noticeable.

“That wasn’t what I wanted to talk about.” His words came out rough, hoarse.

“To what do you refer then?” The hair on the back of my neck prickled.

“You kissed me to distract me.”

“Distract you?”

His gaze was intense on mine, his eyes so saturated it was stunning. “Didn’t you?”

Rather than answer, because I frankly did not know how to respond, I pushed him back on the bed so that he lay on his back, and I covered his lips with mine.

His lips were chapped but unbelievably soft and pliable. An interesting enigma. They opened on a gasp when I increased the pressure of my mouth on his.

I had never kissed a male before and had not known what to expect, but I discovered that lips were lips at some point, though Jim’s definitely had a masculinity to them I found quite appealing. My nose bumped his as I drew back to look upon his face.

“You’re distracting me again.” There was no anger behind the accusation, only wonderment.

“Indeed,” I agreed. “And I am eager to continue the distracting.”

“Spock—”

I prevented whatever he intended to say with the press of my lips to his once more. I caught his moan and trapped it there as my tongue slid between his lips and beyond his teeth to coax his tongue to tangle with mine. He was intoxicating. His hands moved across my body to clutch at my lower back, bringing us flush against each other. My blood sang with a sudden intense desire.

His mouth broke from mine. “How-how far does the distraction go?”

I placed my leg between his and felt the definite ridge of his arousal. “How far do you wish it to go?”

One of his hands moved to curve around the back of my neck bringing my mouth to his again. This time it was me that moaned and I felt him smile. I was lost.  


	35. Jim

I wanted to act with wild abandon and just let myself go, but this was Spock. Not just some random lay to use and discard. And my head was filled with too many questions and too many what ifs. I couldn’t get beyond it.

“Wait,” I gasped as I tore my mouth away. He tried to focus on me then but I could see that it was a struggle and damn, that was super hot.  “What are we doing here?”

Spock blinked rapidly. “I thought we were attempting to engage in coitus.”

I winced. “Um, yeah. That word? Not sexy.”

To my surprise he flushed. “I apologize.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t sexy, just the word,” I assured him. “But, Spock, do you even like me?”

The lusty haze was clearing from his gaze and the replaced coolness wasn’t particularly welcome. “You know that I do.”

“No. I mean as a friend, yeah, I get it. I know we are. Friends. I mean, er, you know, sexually.”

His eyes narrowed. “You can feel my arousal.”

Well, that was certainly true. I bit my lip. “I don’t want to ruin anything.”

“What exactly would we ruin?”

“Us. Our friendship. Everything we’ve worked toward.” I waved vaguely.

“I see.” He nodded. He was moving off me, which I didn’t think was what I wanted. “You are unwilling.”

“Wait. What?” I sighed in frustration. “I’m not unwilling. Spock.” I sat up as he made to move off the bed. “Spock—”

“You are right to put an end to our activities. You have recently suffered a concussion. “

“I’m fine.”

“Nevertheless I do not wish to do you further injury. I will see you settled and then depart to my room.”

I certainly knew how to kill a mood.  And all because I was afraid. My feelings for Spock were so raw, so intense, something I had never experienced before, and I was running scared, pushing him away. But I couldn’t make myself beg him to stay. Even though I wanted to.

My chest began to ache as I watched him preparing to leave. I tried to tell myself it was better this way. Having sex with Spock was a complication neither of us needed.

I closed my eyes.

“Don’t.”

“Captain?’

My eyes flew open. Had that plea really come from me? I rubbed my chest. “Don’t go.”

“Captain—”

“Jim.” I squeezed the sheets in my grip. “If we’re going to fuck, it’s Jim.”

“We are not—”

“Spock.” I exhaled very slowly. “Please.”

If he rejected me, if he left anyway, it would split me apart, but I would deal with it. As I always did. As I always would.

His dark eyes softened as he stared at me. Gone was the odd coldness that had replaced the earlier desire. “You expressed reluctance.”

“You’re the one thing I don’t want to fuck up.”

“Jim.”

I reached my hand toward him. “Stay with me. Even if all we do is lay here.”

Spock’s lips quirked just a little and he sat on the edge of the bed. “We both know if I stay here we will not simply lay here.”

My heart leapt. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

He placed his hand over mine and closed his fingers around my palm. “I feel the same.” At my questioning look, he clarified, “I do not wish to _fuck up_ where you are concerned.”

“Then don’t leave. I need more distracting.” I pulled him down so that he was lying beside me, facing me. “You’re beautiful.”

“It is you who are,” Spock said softly. His hand rose toward my face, his thumb caressing my bottom lip. “These…have been distracting me for a long time.”

I swallowed heavily. Desire pooled in my stomach but I found it hard to believe any of this was real. “Maybe you should kiss me again?”

“Your head—”

“Is not going to fall off, Spock.”

“Hurting you is not an option,” he said. “And I have not—I have not—”

It occurred to me then what he had not. And my eyes widened. “Never?”

“Not with a male.”

“God, Spock, you can’t tell me that and expect me not to want you all over me.”

“Jim—”

I reached for him, pulling him on top of me. He came willingly. “On me, in me, everywhere.”

His lips crushed over mine and it was like being kissed for the first time, so intense, so emotionally deep, I could feel it everywhere. I tugged at his shirt, and he leaned back enough to remove it himself, uncharacteristically tossing it across the room to hit a wall.

Laughter and warmth bubbled up inside me as I slid my hands over the bare skin of his back. “I want to map every inch of you. Know and feel everything.”

Spock nodded, his warm brown eyes once more glazed with desire that made my breath catch in my throat and my chest almost ache with his beauty.

I pushed at him gently as I indicated we both needed to remove our pants. We both worked in silent sync, until every last stitch of clothing was gone. I could feel his solid, gorgeous muscular body as he slid over me. He grabbed my hands and threaded his fingers with mine.

“Jim,” he moaned against my lips. “Jim.”

I inched my hand down between us to grasp his hot, hard cock, wrapping my fingers around the length. He bucked against me, gasping out my name again. I thought, perhaps, this was the way I should initially get us off. We had time for other things, as long as I stayed alive, anyway, and I felt Spock tense ever so slightly at the fleeting thought. I pushed it aside and focused only on pleasure. His. Mine.

I moved my own cock to be next to his and I grasped both, sliding our shafts together. It was incredibly erotic to be rubbing my dick with his. I could feel a sort of rumbling growl in his chest which spurred me on to increase the pressure and speed of my grip as I worked us. He was so sleek and gorgeous. I fused my mouth to his, swallowing down his tongue, his gasps and moans.

Neither one of us would last. It was too new, too intense, too much for both of us. We’d been building to this, for years really, and we both knew it. Ever since his dark haughty gaze met mine across the arena where I was accused of cheating.

I mewled his name, “Spock”, and then buried my face against his neck, aware we could likely be heard in the other parts of the apartment. My balls tightened, pulling against me and I felt the change in Spock too as he shook and bucked against me. Cum from both our cocks splattered out over my fingers, over our bodies, all over the bed. We clung to each other as we rode the tide, wet, hot pants against flushed skin.

“Jim,” he moaned softly, his hand coming to rest on my face. It was not a meld, exactly, but a caress of my mind that felt like nothing else I had ever felt. “Sleep. Rest.”

I relaxed into his embrace and felt safe for the first time in years.


	36. Spock Prime

I had just finished brewing a pot of tea when the door to Jim’s bedroom opened and he stepped outside into the hallway.

“Good morning, Jim.”

He was dressed in rather tight jeans and a T-shirt that declared ‘ _I Command…Attention’_ , which most certainly _was_ true. His hair was damp but disheveled.

“Morning,” he mumbled. Across his throat, near his collarbone were definite Vulcan teeth markings. An interesting turn of events, to be sure.

“Tea?” I offered.

“No. I need like coffee intravenously or something.” Jim stumbled past me and into the kitchen. “Where are Spock and Bones?”

“I confess that I do not know. Neither were out here when I finished my morning meditation. I had assumed Spock was with you.”

“I woke up alone,” he said flatly.

I recognized that tone and it never bode well. Despite clear evidence that Jim had been intimate with my young counterpart, he was in a sour mood.

“What can I get you for breakfast?” I asked calmly as I watched him slamming kitchen cabinets with a great deal of unwarranted force.

Jim turned as he slammed yet another cabinet. “You know what? Let’s go out.”

“I am uncertain that is wise under the circumstances.”

“What circumstances would those be?” he asked, his eyes narrowing. Yes, more like a foul mood.

“The threats on your life are increasing. Going out in public may not be wise.”

He leaned a hip against the counter. “In case you’ve forgotten the last attack was here in this building. I hardly think it’s particularly safe here.”

“Perhaps not normally. But there are security guards stationed at the door.”

Jim straightened. “There are what? Who authorized that?”

I cleared my throat and took a tentative sip of my tea. “I believe it was Commander Spock. With permission from the admiralty, of course.”

“Now we’re definitely going out for breakfast.”

“Jim. Be reasonable.”

His smile was the dangerous one. “Oh, I am being reasonable. Come on, old man, get your coat or your cloak or whatever.”

The protest died on my lips. I knew Jim Kirk, in any universe, would do as he pleased, no matter what was said to convince him otherwise. If he was determined to leave the apartment he would. And it would be most wise of me to accompany him to ensure his safety as best I could.

“Very well.” I set my teacup back in the kitchen and went to my room to retrieve my hooded cloak. He was waiting for me by the door. Though it was currently raining, he currently wore no coat. “Perhaps a raincoat or an umbrella would not be a bad thing.”

Jim merely shrugged. “I’m fine. Let’s go.”

I grabbed a light windbreaker from the coatrack next to the door and held it out for him. “Indulge me.”

His jaw tightened but he pulled it on nevertheless and that was no small victory.

“We should bring phasers,” I told him.

“I’m way ahead of you. Got one. You?”

I nodded. “Indeed. Hopefully they will not be necessary.”

“Right. Stop stalling so that Spock or Bones will get back before I can get out of here.” Jim opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, only to be confronted by two rather beefy red-shirted security personnel.

They both snapped to attention and looked like they were about to salute. “Captain.”

“Stand down,” he said with no small hint of irritation. “I’m going out.”

“Sir, we were told—”

Jim eyed them with his best captain look and the guard fell silent. “Thought so. See you when we get back.”

One of them, Jones, I believed, straightened even more. “Where are you off to, Captain?”

“Breakfast.”

The other, his nametag read Sparks, glanced at the other. “As a matter of fact, sir, we’re rather hungry ourselves.”

“Yes,” Jones agreed. “Very much so.”

“Excellent,” I spoke up before Jim could. “You two can accompany us to breakfast.”

“What? Wait—”

“We would love to,” Sparks said.

Jim shot me a mutinous look. “Fine. But you’re sitting at your own table.”

“Of course, Captain.”

****

Jim eyed Jones and Sparks as they sat at a table directly next to me and Jim. “I owe you for that. Not funny.”

“To what do you refer?” I asked, attempting to look innocent.

He snorted. “Right. I don’t really need Dumb and Dumber following me around.”

“Now, Jim, that is unkind. They do not seem to be particularly lacking in intelligence.”

Jim rolled his eyes and then took a big sip of his coffee, closing his eyes as he did so. “Thank fuck. Maybe this will help with my bitch of a headache.”

“I am sorry you are in pain.”

He waved dismissively as he opened his eyes to glance around the restaurant.

“You suffer from frequent headaches.”

“Always have. Well…since Tarsus mostly.” He saw my gaze fall on the bite marks and he self-consciously rubbed at them. “Um. Yeah. You noticed.”

“It is difficult not to,” I murmured. “And my room is right next to yours.”

Jim flushed red. “Damn. I didn’t think about that. Sorry.”

“Why should you apologize? I am gratified that you have found each other and have finally stopped pretending you had no feelings for each other.”

“Yeah. Well. I don’t really appreciate waking up to an empty bed.” He sighed and chewed on his lip. “I don’t know. Maybe he’s already regretting it.”

“I am certain he is not.”

“How can you be certain?”

“Because he is me,” I said quietly. “A much younger version, yes. But I am quite sure I know what is in his mind.”

“Things are different though. You know that. You weren’t ever with her and—”

“Not that different.” My communication device beamed and I picked it up, allowing Jim to see a hint of a smile. “And here we are.” I flipped it open. “Hello, Spock.”

“Is the captain with you?” Spock demanded.

Jim held out his hand and I placed the communicator in his hand. “Yes, I’m here.”

“You left your communicator in the apartment. That is irresponsible, Captain.”

“I’ve got Spock’s obviously. And Dumb and-that is Jones and Sparks are here, too. They weren’t kidding when they said they were hungry.”

“Captain—”

“I’m fine, Spock. I’ll see you when I’m done. Kirk out.” He set my communicator on the table between us and finally turned his attention to the food the waitress had set in front of him some time ago. He started to cut into his steak, then abruptly dropped his knife, his gaze going past me. “Spock, hit the deck.”

I had no time to question him and I knew if Jim said to hit the deck I’d better do it now. I dropped out of my chair and to the floor below just as phaser fire went off rapidly throughout the restaurant.

To my horror the security guard named Jones fell to the ground directly next to me, his eyes staring forward, unseeing. Panic over Jim’s safety assailed me and I desperately tried to find a sign of him in the frantic customers who had scrambled at the first firing of weapons. I could not locate him and my terror increased.

Suddenly someone grabbed my arm and pulled me up from the ground. The man was incredibly strong and shrouded in all black from head to toe. All I could make out was his eyes, a cold hard steel.

“You come with me,” he said harshly.

And as he dragged me toward the door I heard Jim yell, “Spock! No!”


	37. Jim

“Son of a bitch. Fuck. Damn.” I kicked the table and chairs, sending them all crashing down in the restaurant.

Spock arched his brow. “Jim.”

I turned away from him and punched a hole in the wall. A giant one. It didn’t even hurt. Nor did it crack the skin. I was too damn pissed to analyze that. I pulled back my arm to do it again when Spock grabbed my arm to stop me.

“Jim, cease.”

“This is all my fault. This is all my fucking fault.” Not that he was arguing with me about that. Not that he would. Because it was true. Damn.

I pulled out of Spock’s grip easily and began to pace, barely conscious of the Starfleet security officers and other law enforcement personnel swarming the place.

“He shouldn’t have even been here,” I said. “I should have made him stay behind.”

It was to Spock’s credit that he did not speak up and admonish me for leaving the apartment at all. _This_ time. That had come earlier when he’d first arrived.

I stopped to stare at the bodies still strewn about the now evacuated restaurant. A few were innocent bystanders, the guard Jones, and the rest were those that had arrived to presumably abduct me or kill me outright. They were the ones that had been dispatched by my own hands.

I remembered being overcome by this weird almost supernatural strength when they’d taken older Spock away. But even though I’d gotten through several of their comrades it had not been enough. OS was still gone.

Spock’s hand touched my arm, drawing my attention to him. “They have said we can leave and return to the apartment.”

I shook my head. “No way. I’m going to go find Spock.”

“There is nothing you can do.”

“Oh, fuck that. I can hand myself over to them in his place. They don’t want him, they want me.”

Spock went completely rigid. “I absolutely forbid you to trade yourself for him.”

“The choice isn’t yours.”

“Is it not? Both my counterpart and myself hold you in the highest esteem—”

“His _esteem_ for me is why they took him away. You can’t expect me to sit idly by while his life is in danger.”

“That is exactly what I expect. The last thing he would want is for you to turn yourself over in place of him. To place yourself at the mercy of those who seek to do you harm would be devastating to me-to him-to…us. Our security forces will seek to learn as much information as we can about his captors through the identification of their fallen comrades.”

“That’ll take too long.”

“You must be patient,” Spock insisted.

“Commander Spock,” someone called.

“I will be right back.”

I watched him walk over to a group of security officers to speak in whispers and low tones. Of course I had no intention of being so easily dismissed by my first officer. Banished to an apartment, a safe house, while the elder Spock suffered because of me.

Glancing down at one of the ones who had suddenly stormed the place, I had an inexplicable urge to kick his dead body. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. But it was there. I was filled with rage over those that had dared to mess with the old Vulcan.

My communicator beeped and I withdrew it from my pocket and flipped it open.

A raspy voice came forth, “Warehouse 41 by the old pier. Come alone.”

I wondered how they’d gotten my frequency. But suspected they had an inside man. Who knew how far up this went. Paranoid? Maybe. But I didn’t think so.

I replaced my communicator and watched Spock continue to converse with security. I knew I couldn’t risk his life as well. That would be unacceptable.

He finished his conversation, nodded at security, and then returned to where I stood.

“They will handle things from here, Captain,” Spock told me.

I glanced in their direction, and then grabbed his arm and pulled him further away from their big ears. There was a little bit of a partition in the restaurant where the waiters went to for water and iced tea and things. I brought Spock there for a little bit of privacy.

I found myself needing to touch him. Really I wanted to crawl all over him but I couldn’t. Not here. Not anywhere at the moment, there wasn’t time. But that didn’t stop me from wanting it. I grabbed his arms, instead, just around his biceps. For some reason images of Uhura hugging and kissing him in front of me, in front of others, flashed through my mind, my thoughts.

Spock was staring at me intently. “Captain. Jim.” He exhaled slowly. “Ashaya, that is…all of that…it is no more.”

It shouldn’t surprise me that he knew my thoughts, but it did a little. I moved an inch closer. Wondered if that was yet too close.

“What are your plans?” I asked, more of a distraction from his lips, which I could not seem to stop staring at, then anything else.

“I will escort you back to the safety of the apartment. Doctor McCoy will be waiting.”

I nodded. “And then?”

He hesitated the barest of seconds. “I will return to help in the investigation into the whereabouts of my counterpart.” His hand came up to frame my jaw. “I will retrieve him, Jim.”

“I know you will try.” I somehow moved more into his personal space or he moved into mine. It was difficult to tell. I just knew we were pressed against each other. No doubt making quite the spectacle of ourselves if anyone had been watching.  All I knew was that I’d had far too brief of a time with him, especially if that was all I would ever have.

“Ashaya, I—”

I kissed him then, long and slow, my mouth slanting over his again and again. His hand had dropped from my face to wrap around my waist, pulling me flush against him. I felt the flutter of his heart in his side and I was sure he felt mine in my chest. We breathed as one.

I opened my eyes and gazed into his beloved chocolate eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whispered against his lips. My hand went up to his shoulder next to his neck and I squeezed. I knew the moment he realized, the moment he felt betrayed, as his eyes widened just before they closed and he collapsed into my arms.

Ignoring the lump in my throat, I slowly lowered him to the floor and knelt beside him. I knew I didn’t have much time if I lingered too long. But I kissed his lips anyway. “I love you. I can’t let anything happen to you. No matter how old you are.”

I flexed my hand. I guessed Khan’s blood had given me some definite advantages I’d not had before. And Spock hadn’t realized it either.

I straightened and stood, slipping out of the restaurant easily without the security forces noticing. I suspected they’d have a lot to answer for later.

I’d made it only a block from the restaurant before I heard the firing of a phaser. I went down to my knees.

A muscular blond man appeared in front of me. He grabbed my hair and pulled it, forcing my head back to look at him.

His fist came toward me and slammed into my mouth, splitting my lips. I tasted blood.  

“Captain Kirk. You’ll come with us.”


	38. Spock

The few times over the years that I had been subjected to the Vulcan nerve pinch, which were admittedly few, I regained consciousness feeling out of sorts for thirty-three point four seconds. This was certainly no exception.

Knelt beside me was Doctor McCoy who had his tricorder out to scan me.

“I am unharmed,” I said curtly, as I rose to my feet. I glanced around the restaurant, which was still in disarray, and realized I was correct in surmising Jim had departed.

“What the hell happened?” the doctor demanded even as he continued to scan me.

“A temporary malady, doctor. I was subjected to the nerve pinch.”

McCoy frowned. “By whom? Your counterpart?”

“Negative. He had been removed from the premises by his abductors prior to my arrival.”

“Another Vulcan then?”

“No, doctor. Our captain nerve pinched me.”

“Jim?”

“Do we have another captain? There is no time to waste. He has departed the restaurant, no doubt the reason for his rendering me unconscious.”

McCoy grabbed my arm as I made to move away. “Damn it, Spock. _Jim_ nerve pinched you?”

“Affirmative, doctor. You are well aware there have been changes to the captain since his revival.”

“Yes, but—”

“Doctor, you will be forced to hold your thoughts and questions on the matter for the time being as it is my priority to locate the captain.” I removed his hand from my arm and walked away from him.

At that moment as I approached the exit of the restaurant, a security guard rushed over, manhandling an older human female who stared at both of us in fear.

“Sir. Commander,” the guard said breathlessly. “This citizen saw Captain Kirk and—”

“We will not harm you,” I told the woman, who was becoming more visibly agitated. “Release her person.”

“But Commander—”

“Release her. She is not a criminal nor a threat.”

The security guard let go of her. But he looked displeased to have done so.

“What did you see?” I asked her quietly.

She rubbed her arm and shot a disgruntled look at the guard. “That man. Your captain. He was hurrying along the street when another man approached him. He took your captain with him. By force.”

Words I certainly dreaded to hear but did not find particularly surprising.

“Jim’s been taken?” McCoy demanded from his place suddenly beside me.

I ignored him to ask the woman, “Are you able to describe the man who took Captain Kirk?”

“A human male in his mid-thirties perhaps, very muscular with shoulder length blond hair. He wore a strange headband, very ornamental.”

“Thank you. Did you recognize anything about the ornamental headband?”

She shook her head. “Not especially, no. And I’ve never seen the man before if that’s your next question.” She glanced at the guard again. “Your man here is very rough.”

“I apologize for your treatment,” I replied. “You may leave.”

The old lady made no move to leave. “Don’t you want to know about the other man?”

I blinked in surprise. “Other man?”

“I saw the blond muscular man take your captain over to a man standing on the side, just next to an opening of an alleyway. This man was rather muscular too with red hair and a beard. He didn’t wear any headband, but I did hear him call the other man Joachim.”

When the woman left, I turned to McCoy. “Do you have your PADD with you?”

The doctor frowned. “Yeah. Why?”

“Provide it.”

McCoy grumbled but handed it to me.

After a few moments, I had what I was looking for.

“What’s that mean?” McCoy was looking over my shoulder, pointing at something on the screen.

I pressed a button and a picture of a blond man wearing a headband came up under the listing of Joachim.

“That’s the guy who took Jim!”

“Indeed.”

Doctor McCoy frowned. “But who is he?”

“He was one of those removed from the seventy-two torpedoes.”

McCoy’s eyes widened. “Wait. What? Khan’s man?”

I thrust the PADD back at the doctor and stepped outside. Looking in the direction Jim had left. If this was somehow related to Khan, as it appeared to be, then Jim was in imminent danger.

“Spock! What does it mean?” McCoy demanded, coming outside to join me. The sky had turned dark and overcast. “Those men and women were supposed to be held in a top secret location by Section—”

I glanced his way sharply.

“By you know who,” he amended. “How did this Joachim get out?”

“There are many things that those in charge determine not to reveal to us, doctor. I suspect they escaped or were allowed to do so.”

“Allowed?” he exclaimed. “Do they have the older you too?”

“I do not know. It is likely. My priority is to find Jim.”

“And how do you propose to do that? We have absolutely no idea where they’ve taken him.”

“Your ability to state the obvious remains strong within you, doctor.” I pursed my lips. I curled my fingers toward the palms of my hands. I turned to him. “You will find out all there is to know about Joachim and the others and how they escaped. Find out if Khan was amongst them. I do not care how you have to find out or who you get assistance from, but do it quickly. We do not have a lot of time.”

McCoy nodded. I was glad he didn’t argue for once.

“And what are you going to do?”

“I must use our link to find him.”

“Your-your what now?”

“I share a bond with Jim, however dormant. It will be difficult to reach him under these circumstances but there is no choice.”

“A bond? Like Vulcan voodoo?”

“There is no time to explain further, doctor. Jim’s life depends on your expediency.”


	39. Jim

I woke to a backhanded slap to my face, snapping my head back with a painful sickening crack.

“Wake up, Kirk,” a voice snarled.

I was struck again, harder this time, and my mouth filled with the coppery taste of blood.

“Wake the fuck up!”

This time I swatted at him, moving out of his way as he formed a fist to hit me again.

“I’m awake!”

The blond man who had struck me in the streets. I looked around but all I could tell was that I was in dark room, with only bare lighting, strapped to a chair. Besides the blond muscle freak there were two other men dressed similarly who remained on the edge of the room.

“Who the fuck are you?” I demanded.

“I am Joachim. Where is Khan?”

“What?”

Joachim got in my face. “Where is Khan?” he spat.

I frowned. “I don’t know. How do you know Khan?” As far as I knew, Khan and all of his comrades had been locked away in a secret location by Section 31. I’d not been privy to the location.

Joachim stepped back and began to pace. “We are travelers with him.”

“Wait. What?”

“Those cryotubes, Captain. We are the ones that were in them with Khan.”

“How?”

“I ask the questions here!” He reached for my throat, lifting me up, chair and all from the floor. “What do you know of Section 31?”

“Nothing.”

His fingers squeezed around my throat. “I _will_ kill you.”

“Then kill me,” I said defiantly. “I don’t have your answers.”

“And even if you did, you would not tell me.”

I didn’t answer that. I wouldn’t. We both knew.

“Where’s the old man?” I asked instead.

Joachim stared at me blankly. “What old man?”

“The old Vulcan. Ambassador Spock. You took him from the restaurant.”

“I took no one. It was the others who took him.”

“The others?”

“Marcus’ people.”

“Marcus is dead.”

Joachim smiled wolfishly. “Those he conspired with are not. They have been after you, Captain.”

“Why?”

“Why?” He scoffed. “Because you are one of us now.”

I recoiled. “One of you? What does that mean?”

He pushed me and the chair down, back to the ground, and leaned over me. “You feel the changes in you, Kirk. Your body, your strength. You were given Khan’s blood.” He smiled. “Yes, we know about that. And so do Marcus’ people. You are an augment now.”

“No,” I denied.

“Yes. And like us, they want to neutralize you. You are now a threat to them. To Section 31. They captured your Vulcan to lure you. When they realize they have failed they will either release him or kill him.”

“I’m on their side.”

“Are you?” He raised his eyebrows. He turned and looked at the two others and dismissed them with a look. Then he pulled up a chair, which he sat in backwards, legs straddling the chair back, as he leaned forward against it. “Khan had an ally in the organization who released him from cryogenic sleep. He in turn released us. During our escape, many of us became separated, including Khan. It is believed that he was recaptured and is being held somewhere. Because of your status in Starfleet and as an augment yourself, we believed it was likely you had the information we seek.”

“I am not an augment.” Sure, there were changes. But Bones hadn’t believed I had become super human or anything.

“If it is true that you do not know, that you have been isolated from this information yourself, then what I told you about them wanting to destroy you is true, Captain. You are now an unknown to them. You were already problematic with your interaction with Admiral Marcus and your refusal to instigate war with the Klingons. You’re a hero to the people so they can’t appear to take you our directly.”

“Bullshit.”

Joachim shrugged. “Think what you want. You can cooperate with us and join your comrades—”

“You are not my comrades.”

“Or we can torture you for what information you _do_ have.” His smile turned wolfish. “Personally, I will enjoy that choice.”

I felt a light probing touch in my mind, a whisper of something, and at first I thought it was some mind trick from Joachim, but the touch, the presence was not invasive, not malignant in any way.

 _Spock_.

Joachim was glaring at me. “Torture it is.”

He stood again, knocking the chair he had been sitting in as he did so. He leaned down and untied me, reaching to pull me up by the throat once more, but this time I was ready and I kneed him hard in the stomach.

He dropped to his knees with a groan. Before he had a chance to get up, I swung at his jaw, knocking him backwards. I reached down, pulled him up by his vest, and socked him again, rendering him unconscious.

I surveyed my surroundings as I cast aside the remnants of the ropes they’d used to tie me up. The room was just a simple square shaped room with no windows and only one door. There was no other way out of the room, I realized as I looked up at the ceiling.

Which meant I was going to have to fight my way out.

 _Swell_.

With the back of my battered hand, I wiped blood from my face and went to the door. It was locked from the outside, but as I twisted the handle it began to bend in my hands.

Okay, so fuck.

But it got the damn door open anyway. The minute I stepped into the corridor one of the two men who had been in the room before came rushing at me. I barely dodged him and then as he passed me, I did a flying kick that sent him into the opposite wall.

That had been a rather cool move. But I had no time to marvel over my own sudden fighting prowess as the other goon was now upon me.

He got a really good punch into the side of my head that sent me reeling. But if I wanted to survive I had to act fast, so as he came at me again, I slammed my fist directly into his chest. As he fell at my feet I was pretty sure I had killed him.

I went through another door, cautiously, as I had no idea how many more were there. Joachim had said several of them had been separated but that was all I knew.

 There were three more in this hallway, two of which were women, and they immediately started running toward me, one of them raising their weapon. There was no way I was going to be able to take on all three.

A side door suddenly opened and to my shock, Spock stepped out and fired a phaser…one, two, three. All down.

“Spock!”

He grabbed for me, latching onto my arm and pulling me through the door he had just come through. Without a word, he pushed a phaser into my hands.

“Thanks,” I said, sort of breathlessly.

He dragged me down a tunnel littered with bodies I assumed he had already stunned.

“Spock, this is—”

“This facility has already been reported and Starfleet operations is already on its way,” Spock interrupted in a clipped tone.

We went down two more offshoots of the tunnel, encountering no one that was conscious, and then came to a ladder that led seemingly to the surface.

“I will go first, Captain.”

Spock preceded me up the ladder, then he pushed open what appeared to be a manhole cover, and then disappeared above. “Come. It is clear.”

Up I went, and as I reached the top, he pulled me out the rest of the way. I rested on my hands and knees, breathing heavily. My ribs were killing me, I suspected they might have been broken, but otherwise, surprisingly, I felt okay.

“Spock.” I gulped in air. “How’d you-how’d you find me?”

He was staring at me with an intensity only he seemed capable of. “Our bond,” he said quietly.

“Our…what?”

He put his hand on the back of my neck and for a moment I thought he was going to either neck pinch me or choke me. But then he was kissing me. Lips warms, soft, and alluring.

It didn’t last nearly long enough. He pulled away and stood, yanking me up with him.

“Come, Doctor McCoy is waiting.”


	40. Spock

I resisted the urge to pace as Doctor McCoy examined Jim.

It was a near thing. While he was clearly in once piece, albeit a few scratches and bruises, my stomach still roiled and my heart still pounded. And my mind was as unsettled as it had ever been.

Doctor McCoy lowered his medical tricorder. He frowned at Jim. “Well. You’re fit as a fiddle.”

“Doctor, I have no time for your—”

“It means I’m fine, Spock,” Jim interjected, sounding weary. He smiled.

“I find nothing at all amusing about this, Captain.”

Jim shot me a concerned glance but then turned his attention back to McCoy. “I’m good to go?”

“Go?” McCoy repeated. “You should be resting after all that. You should be staying in bed for the next five weeks.”

“But I’m fine, right?” Jim persisted.

I saw the muscle twitch on the doctor’s jaw. “Yes. Your physical strength is…impressive. All your vitals are off the charts.”

Jim frowned. “Off the charts? Isn’t that bad?”

“In the good zone. You’re even showing less allergens.” The Doctor sighed. “Every time I examine you, you get better. That blood—”

“They implied I’m like them,” Jim cut in.

“Explain,” I demanded.

“An augment. That Khan’s blood changed me. But wasn’t it diluted, Bones, will all the transfusions?”

“Some sure. But some of the transfusions were done with his blood in the beginning. All I know is you’re in perfect shape for a man your age. Or any age. You could be a kid with your numbers.” McCoy met my gaze over Jim’s head. “Look, I can’t stop you from doing what you’re going to do. You outrank me, for one, and for two, you’ve never listened to a word I said.”

“Bones—”

“Just, don’t end up dead.” He squeezed Jim’s shoulder then exited the room, leaving me alone with Jim.

Blue eyes searched mine as I approached him. He was sitting on the edge of an examination table. I could not help it, I had to touch him, and touching him through his clothing was not going to do it. I slid my hands on the hem of his shirt and splayed my hands over the bare skin of his abdomen.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice whisper soft.

“Negative. You could have died…again.”

His lips curved slightly. “And that matters, huh?”

“Jim—”

“What’s between us, really, Spock? Are we going to be…something?”

“That is my hope.”

“Yeah? And Uhura—”

“Nyota will always be my friend,” I replied. “But any romantic connection between us has ended.” I leaned my forehead against his. “And you are a large part of the reason.”

He shook his head, rubbing our foreheads together. “I know I’m probably supposed to feel bad, but if it’s brought us to this point—”

“Do not feel bad, Jim. There is nothing negative about the feelings you and I share.”

“Are we really…I mean do we really share a bond?”

“A preliminary one, yes. It is a t’hy’la bond. That is—”

“I know. I know what it is from older you. And I guess…that’s really us?”

I nodded. I breathed him in, his very essence. There was so much I wanted with him. This human, who would be mine in all ways. But there was no time. Not now.

“We have to find him,” Jim said as though he had read my mind. Perhaps he had.

“Operatives are even now searching for his location.”

“Uh, Spock, about the neck thing.”

“Yes?”

Jim cleared his throat and pulled back from me to look into my eyes. “Are you mad?”

“Vulcans do not get mad,” I replied. “I admit I was surprised at your undisclosed capability and also felt your desire to dispose of me so that you could pursue the abductors of my counterpart without me unwise.”

“I wouldn’t use the word dispose.”

I raised my eyebrow at him. I was about to respond when the door opened to the examination room and Ensign Lowe, a security officer, appeared in the doorway.

“Sorry to interrupt, sirs. But we have had communication from those that took the ambassador.”

Jim hopped down off the bed. “What communication?”

The ensign handed a PADD to Jim, who quickly scanned the contents as I looked over his shoulder.  

“They want me in exchange for him.”

“There is no way—”

“Dismissed, Ensign. Wait outside,” Jim told the security officer. As soon as Lowe disappeared, Jim closed the door.

“Jim.”

“Look at you. You’re so cute thinking you actually get to tell me what to do,” Jim said in a clipped tone. “Forget it, Spock. I’m going.”

“Captain, the statistical likelihood that they will kill you is—”

“Unacceptable. Yeah. I know. I guess it’s up to you to rescue me then, isn’t it?”

“But—”

“I’m not leaving the old man there. They only took him to get to me.” Jim scanned the PADD. “It says to come alone." He glanced at Spock. “And specifically mentions you are not to come.”

“I am most definitely going.”

“And if I give you an order?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Then you will have to charge me later with insubordination and disobeying a command by my superior officer.”

For a long time he held my gaze, then he leaned into me and kissed me. “Let’s go.”

****

If I could have talked Jim out of turning himself over in place of my counterpart, I definitely would have. But Jim was determined to play the hero and I was determined to save him from doing so.

When we reached the location where the ambassador was being held, I found my hiding place to observe the interaction. We had security guards accompanying us as well. Since it was more than likely this had Federation involvement, at least Section 31 and Marcus’ former operatives, we had to be cautious.

I watched as two large, muscular men seized the captain immediately as soon as he entered the warehouse where he’d been told to go.

“Where’s the ambassador?” Jim demanded.

A door opened on the right side and two others entered holding on to Ambassador Spock. They had wrapped a blindfold around his eyes and they were yanking him toward where Jim stood.

“Jim, no,” the ambassador spoke. “I am old. Do not do this.”

“Shut up.” One of the captors shoved the ambassador to the ground hard. He fell upon his knees with a loud thud.

Jim broke free from the two that held him and moved forward. “Don’t you fucking touch him.”

“We make the rules here, Kirk.” Jim was grabbed once more with a phaser pushed to his head. “Don’t even try anything again. This is set to kill. We’re supposed to take you alive, but I think I can handle explaining why you had to die.”

The man glared down at Ambassador Spock. “Get up, old geezer. Now’s your chance to split.”

The ambassador struggled to his feet and the guy grabbed his arm and shoved him toward the door. I noticed that not only was he blindfolded but his hands had been bound too. I felt rage at his mistreatment. And fear for Jim.

“Get Kirk out of here now,” the one who seemed to be in charge spat.

They began to drag Jim toward the door they had come from when bringing in the ambassador.

I leapt down from my hiding place in the rafters above, directly next to their leader. I knocked him to the ground with a hard punch to his face, then turned with my phasers toward the men who had Jim.

The man who I’d knocked down grabbed my legs, pulling me down so that my phaser shot went wild, missing the men who were now pulling Jim through the door.

The security guards we’d brought with us arrived and seized their leader, but it was too late. They’d taken Jim away.

I pulled out my communicator and gave the directions they’d gone and then prepared to pursue them.

“Wait! Spock!” The ambassador cried as they removed his bonds and blindfold.

“They are taking Jim!”

“There is an explosive set to go off. I heard them say. We must all evacuate now or there will be no one who can rescue Jim.”


	41. Jim

“You like picking on old men,” I snarled at the man who had a hold of me as he pushed me along some long underground dank and dirty pathway.

“Shut up,” was his intelligent reply.

We turned a corner and at the end was a set of stairs he pushed me up none too gently. I fell once, slamming my knee against hard stone. I grimaced and he yanked me to my feet by my hair.

At the top of the stairs was another door, which he kicked in. He was wearing the same sort of uniform I recalled Marcus’ crew wearing when he’d confronted us about Khan.

I was shoved through the door and into the waiting grip of another couple of guys dressed similarly.

“He give you any trouble?”

“Not much.”

From there they yanked me up to what appeared to be a fairly deserted side alley in San Francisco.

“We have to move fast. That building could blow any time and we don’t want to be anywhere near,” the man said.

They hustled me to the end of the alley where a hover vehicle waited.

“Where are—” I began to ask just as the phaser came toward my head. Pain radiated across the crown of my head and my vision winked out.

****

I woke feeling vaguely nauseous. No doubt owing to the hit on my head. I was in an empty room save for the hook that dangled from the ceiling from which I hung. My hands were fastened behind my back and the contraption had a hold of me about the shoulders. There was also a leather strap around my neck, though thankfully at the moment it was not tight.

As if sensing I had regained consciousness, the door opened and one of my captors entered the room. He was the man who originally had hold of me as he led me away.

“We’ve gone to a lot of lengths to get you, Kirk.”

“For what purpose?”

He smirked. “To study you.”

“Me? What for?”

“Just as we studied the augments before. Marcus was too careless and Khan got away. And well, you know what happened after that.”

“I thought you had Khan and his people in Section 31.”

“His people are currently not contained as you yourself are aware. We are in the process of rectifying that.”

“And Khan?”

“I ask the questions here.”

“Who are you?”

He shrugged. “My name is Commander Lawrence.”

“Fine. And what do you want with me?”

“I already told you. To study you.”

“I’m not an augment.”

Lawrence threw his head back and laughed. “Maybe not before. But you’ve been changed by Khan.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“We know all about you, Kirk. We know you died on the Enterprise and we know Leonard McCoy brought you back to life without authorization with matter from Khan. Considering you had no authorization and you used property that belonged to us, you now belong to us.”

“Over my dead body.”

“Perhaps that will eventually be necessary. At first our experimentation will be conducted on a live species. You will cooperate.”

“And if I don’t?”

“We can easily incapacitate you. Injections can paralyze you from the neck down. Not to mention I suspect that you’d rather not have your crew in constant danger.” Lawrence stepped close. “You care about these people. We’ve been watching. Taking the old Vulcan was no accident. You’re soft. And we can use that.”

He went to a panel on the side wall. “You think you’re hooked up to this for no reason, Kirk? There are several attachments hooked to your body. We’re monitoring all your vitals, of course, but some of these attachments are for pain.”

“Torture.” I kept any sort of expression off my face with effort. I’d faced torture before. Unpleasant and excruciating pain. I wasn’t looking to repeat that for anyone’s twisted experimentation.

“Not only to gain cooperation but also to see how your new body and abilities might react. With a race of Khan and his people to use their blood as was done with you, as was done with the child—”

I was filled with dread. I had come across the young girl who had been dying before her father betrayed Starfleet to Khan to save her life. She should have no part of this.

“You have her too?” I demanded.

“That is not your concern.”

“She’s just a child.”

“As I was saying, we can create a super force that will be capable of facing any enemy. Klingons, Romulans—”

“We’re explorers—”

“Don’t make me laugh, Kirk. War with the Klingons _is_ coming, just as Marcus said. And the Romulans? You should hate them as much as I do. They killed your father. And mine!”

“Yours?”

“My father was a member of the crew of the Kelvin when the Romulans destroyed it. He did not escape as your mother did. As you did!”

“It was not the Romulans. It was one crazed Romulan.”

“The entire planet of Vulcan was destroyed,” Lawrence sneered. “You tell the survivors it was one fucking Romulan that did that.”

“You’re insane. Building some kind of super race, it’s not possible.”

“It is what Marcus wanted. It is what I wanted. Your being revived was fortuitous. We will begin the experiments on you.”

I watched, my stomach rolling, as he leaned across the panel and began to pull a lever. I could smell the faint smell of singed hair just before my whole body seized within the vest I was strapped into across my shoulders.

My teeth ached and burned as I screamed.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am hoping not to take another 3 months before posting a new chapter on this. I can see the end in sight.


	42. Spock Prime

It bothered me, of course, that Jim was in the predicament he was because he had to rescue me. That Jim could ultimately die because I was too vulnerable to abduction was something I found hard to face.

And it did not help that I could see my own pain and doubts reflected on the face of my young counterpart. I recognized a Spock who had finally come to the unwilling conclusion that Jim Kirk was the center of his universe. I had certainly done so in my own time.

“I wish to accompany you on the rescue mission,” I stated flatly as I watched Spock make preparations.

“You will stay here,” Spock said harshly. “I cannot risk having you there and providing distraction for Jim. Should you become compromised in anyway, Jim will find it necessary to give his life for you.”

“That will not happen.”

“It has already happened,” Spock returned coldly. “Jim is my t’hy’la. _Mine_. And it is up to me to see to his safety.”

I nearly spoke unkindly about how he had done such a great job of protecting Jim so far, but I bit back the bitter reply. This younger version of myself was very proud and tended to more emotional outburst than I did at his age. The different circumstances of this universe were no doubt responsible.

Jim would not thank me for being unkind to Spock. And it would do neither of these young, intense versions of myself and my own Jim good.

Though I most definitely wanted to be there during Jim’s rescue I also recognized the wisdom of staying behind. I was not young anymore. I had begun to notice the signs of my own frailty and if I endangered Jim’s rescue in anyway it would be most unforgivable.

“I am gratified that you finally have accepted Jim’s importance to you,” I said quietly. “You will discuss everything with him when you have him back, I assume.”

Spock just looked at me but I had no doubt he would make things right with Jim. At the moment, all he wished to focus on was finding his mate.

“I would appreciate notification the moment you have him.”

He nodded but his face was pinched as though in pain.

“Spock—”

“He is not well,” he whispered. “I feel his torment and I…what if I am too late?”

“You will not be.”

“If I had only—”

“What ifs are never helpful, Spock. Regrets are illogical. All you can do is move forward and bring back your t’hy’la.”

He nodded again, rather curtly but I also saw some level of gratitude in his eyes as he turned and left.*

****

Hours went by during which I could barely contain my own panic, but eventually it was Leonard McCoy who contacted me to say that Spock had broken Jim free.

He was at Starfleet Hospital.

Those that had conspired with Marcus that they had been able to capture had been imprisoned but there were many still loose and Khan and his people had not been located. It was not yet over, by far. But Jim was safe. And that was what mattered to me.

I hurried to Leonard as soon as I got to the hospital.

“Jim?”

Leonard looked haggard and stricken. Several shades lighter than was normal for him. “He’s in bad shape,” he spoke very softly. “Broken bones, which have been healed, lacerations, psychological torture. They, uh, they opened him up…” He broke off, looked away. I saw the tears in his eyes.

“Can I see him?”

He nodded. “Spock’s with him. He won’t leave his side.”

Of course he would not.

“Leonard, is he expected to make a recovery?” I did not want to ask and yet did not know how I could not.

“Yes. It will take a little time, but yes. But the mental strain? I don’t know.”

“Spock will help him.”

“They messed around in his head some,” Leonard told me. “And mixed in some other blood into him. Other than Khan’s.”

“Augments?”

“Yeah. All a part of their experiments. They were operating on him when we found him. Had his damn skull open.”

My blood chilled. “For what purpose?”

“To see how he had been changed by not only Khan’s blood but the blood of the others. They injected him with some elemental compounds too.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what else they would have done to him if we hadn’t gotten there in time.” He touched my arm. “Listen, Spock’s…Spock’s pretty wrecked. Go easy on him, all right?”

I nodded. “I can do little else, Leonard. I know exactly how he feels.”

I slowly pushed open the hospital room door and walked inside. Jim was hooked up to various medical machines and equipment and Spock was laying on the bed, holding on to Jim. I could see that Jim’s eyes were open and blinking. Spock had him cradled to his chest and he looked over at me sharply as I approached.

“I will not leave,” he said immediately.

“I do not wish for you to.” I looked down at Jim. Yes, he was awake, but he wasn’t really looking anywhere. “How is he?”

Spock’s hand rested on the crown of Jim’s head, which had been shaved. “I am caring for him.”

“Do either of you need anything?”

“Just for the men who did this to pay,” Spock whispered.

For a long time, I said nothing, then I nodded, leaned forward and took Jim’s hand in mine for the briefest of seconds, then released it.

I met Spock’s gaze. “I will see to it.”


	43. Spock

If I lived to be three hundred, as illogical as it is to speculate thusly, I will not forget the sight of Jim lying unconscious on an operating table as they held a piece of his skull in their hands.

Humans speak of their heart stopping and I know now all too well what such a phrase means. Panic cannot even begin to convey the emotional turmoil I experienced at seeing what they were doing to my captain, my friend, my t’hy’la. We had to be so careful in rescuing him, we had to be sure that his skull was reattached, that everything was put right. And I am not sure that anything ever will be again.

I maintain hope for that is what I have now.

I knew what was happening to him was painful and horrifying even before I arrived there. Our bond, though not as formed as it could be and as I desired, told me enough of what Jim was experiencing.

I wanted to rip them apart for what they have inflicted on him. My priority was him. Seeing to him and taking him out of that place and away from harm.

Still as I stay with him in the hospital, I am haunted by the images of what I saw directly and through my bond with Jim. These men knew no mercy. Not for Jim. They beat him, burned him, injected him, forced him to respond to stimuli and ultimately opened him up to dissect him. I could not help but wonder if I had not arrived when I did, if he would have died.

I closed my eyes and shuddered.

“Spock?” Jim’s soft whisper had me tightening my arms around him.

“I am here, Jim,” I assured him. “I will always be here.”

He gave a tiny nod. “Hair.”

“Yes, my beloved. They shaved it off but it will grow back in no time.” I caressed the crown of his head. “Worry not. I have you.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I promise you I am going nowhere. Does your head pain you?”

“Little.”

“I will ease your discomfort.”

He relaxed against me as I massaged his head until I took some of his pain into myself. It was a small matter to allow him relief.

“You’re being too nice to me,” Jim said in a human attempt at humor.

“Jim.”

“My skin still crawls.”

I froze. “T’hy’la?”

“I just mean I hate laying here in a hospital bed and I don’t know. I-I can still feel the things they did.”

“It will fade,” I told him.

“Yeah? Because right now I feel like one big bruise. ”

“Yes. I will protect you from anything else.”

“Spock.”

“It is my duty as your t’hy’la to protect you.”

Jim nodded. “I guess. I just…it’s hard to believe I’m anything special to you. Still.”

I leaned down enough to kiss his forehead. “Perhaps it will be like this for us in any universe. In any timeline. I do not have all the answers, Jim, but I do know that you and I share a bond that I very much want to explore.”

“I’m in love with you, Spock,” Jim whispered. “I guess you probably know that even if I haven’t said the words. If this is your way of saying maybe you have feelings for me too then—”

“I belong with you, by your side, and nowhere else.”

I felt his breath brush across me.

“Then I guess you are saying you do. In your Vulcan way. And I hope it’s not just because of some idea that because we share some ancient bond you have to make yourself love me.”

“Jim—”

“I’m tired,” he said suddenly.

“Sleep, all of this can wait,” I assured him.

I watched him carefully as his eyes drifted closed and I eased him into sleep so that I knew for a little while it would be uninterrupted.

It was thirty minutes later when Nyota entered his hospital room. 

She was nodding as she approached the bed but I was not certain to the meaning. “How is he?”

“Not as well as I would like.”

Nyota raised her eyebrows. “When we broke up you said there was no one you wanted to replace me with.”

“I did not lie.”

“No?” Her smile was strained and did not reach her eyes. “Maybe you weren’t being honest with either of us then.”

“Perhaps,” I acknowledged. “I apologize for hurting you.”

She waved that away. “We’ve not been together for a while now, Spock. It would just have been nice if I’d known the whole truth.” She moved closer and reached toward Jim, then hesitated. “I don’t want to wake him.”

“You will not. I am assisting in his sleep at present.”

She put her hand on his. “He’s so pale.”

“I know.”

“They have to pay for this,” she said, fiercely. “No one fucks with us. No one messes with our captain and gets away with it.”

“Justice will be served.”

“Are you sure? How wrapped up is all this in the Federation? Marcus had friends in high places.”

“As well as enemies. They won’t get away with it.”

She watched Jim for a while. “Will he have a long recovery?”

“Physically I do not think so. Doctor McCoy believes Khan’s blood has made him stronger than ever,” I said, stroking his arm. “And with the addition of other augment blood? It has not weakened him. But the mental anguish of having been tortured and experimented on—” My voice faltered and I could not go on. I looked away from her assessing gaze.

“Spock, you must not blame yourself.”

“How can I not?”

“He wouldn’t want you to, that much I know.”

Jim’s heart monitor began to beep loudly and ominously. Frantically I looked to it. Jim lurched in my arms and suddenly turned blue.

“Get McCoy!”

Nyota fled the room. “Leonard! Leonard! Hurry!”


	44. Jim

My skin stung and prickled like I was being stabbed by hundreds of tiny needles all at once and my chest felt tight and burning. I sat up, gasping.

“Easy, easy.” Strong but gentle hands pressed down on my chest, urging me to lay flat. “You’re all right. Open your eyes.”

“Bones?” I croaked. My eyelids felt heavy and unused. I tried to lift them, found it almost impossible and tried again.

“Gently, Jim,” Bones said. Fingers touched my left cheek. “That’s it. Open your eyes and look at me.”

I peered at him through tiny slits. He was fuzzy and blurry and light shone behind him like he was some guardian angel. Not far from the truth I imagined. “Hospital.”

“Yeah. You had a cardiac episode.”

“Going to live?”

“Of course you’re going to live. Think I’d let you die?”

I smiled a little though it wasn’t easy. “Sit up?”

“Hang on.”

I closed my eyes again as Bones moved out of my vision to the side of the hospital bed. The bed cranked up and I was no longer lying flat. I struggled to open my eyes again and succeeded a little more than before. While not fully open, they were more than tiny slits.

“Where’s Spock?”

“Don’t worry he hasn’t gone far. He’s getting updates on the search for both Khan’s people and Marcus’ bunch. He’ll be back soon.”

I nodded wearily, my vision focusing to see that he was ordinary Bones instead of an angel. I preferred the live version. “Prognosis?”

“If you were an ordinary man, not good. Not even sure you’d have survived all this.”

“If I were ordinary they probably wouldn’t have done shit to me in the first place.”

“Yeah. But because you have super blood, are I don’t know, a super being, you’re going to be fine.”

“I’m not sure I like being a super being.”

“You don’t have any choice.” I was surprised when Bones reached for my hand and held it. “I, for one, am grateful. I think Spock is too.”

“I guess me and him are going to be…something.”

Bones smirked. “So I’ve heard. And I doubt you’re upset about it.”

“No,” I admitted. “Maybe surprised a little. Heart damage?”

“No. The miracle of that super blood. Any damage from the cardiac incident is already healing.”

“So, you can’t just filter all that crap out and replace it with normal blood?”

“With your track record I wouldn’t even want to try. You’re going to have to get used to this, Jim. I don’t even know all what it’s doing to you. It’s changing you all the time. Stronger, healthier, smarter.”

“Well, that’s a plus.”

“Yeah. Probably more arrogant too.”

I frowned. “You think it will change my personality? I sure as hell don’t want to become like him.”

“I don’t know anything for sure, Jim. But I don’t really think so. I think Khan was Khan before he became augmented. And you’re Jim. Augmented or not.”

“I should be out there looking for them before they do some major damage.”

Bones shook his head. “No damn way. You aren’t going anywhere. You aren’t leaving this hospital until I say you can. The Federation has plenty of people on this, Jim. They’ll be found and as much damage control as can be done, will be done.”

The hospital room door opened and Spock stepped in. He looked pale and haggard, which was a strange look for my usually cool and collected Vulcan.

“Look who’s awakened,” Bones said, releasing my hand to stand back and let Spock near me.

“I am eternally grateful.” Spock came to the bed and leaned down to press his lips to mine. I knew he had to be rattled to so openly display his affection for me.

“I’m going to give you a few moments together, but I won’t be far or long. You still need a lot of monitoring, Jim.”

Spock watched Bones leave the room and then returned his dark gaze to me. “How do you feel?”

“Like I’ve been someone’s punching bag,” I said, honestly. “But better, I think.”

“I was so worried when you coded.”

I stroked my fingers across the top of his hand. “I’m sorry.”

“You owe no apology. Just a promise that you will be all right.”

“Honey, I can’t promise that. Not really. But I’ll do whatever I can.”

Spock closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them I thought he was struggling not to cry. It made me all too aware of my time behind the class. Fortunately, this time we could touch.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

My heart flipped but not in a bad way. “I know what that means.”

“Do you?”

“Your counterpart said it to my counterpart. I saw it in our meld.” I threaded my fingers in his. “Oh, Spock. I love you too. You know that.”

“My cherish of you transcends love,” Spock said softly. “The human concept, anyway. If you had not made it, I would not have made it.”

“Hey, don’t talk like that.”

“I speak the truth.”

“Your counterpart has made it without mine,” I pointed out, a little teasing, a little seriously.

“I am not him and you are not either,” Spock maintained. “My feelings do not compare.”

I smiled and squeezed his hand. “I am sure he would disagree with you. But let’s have no talk of either of us not making it.”

“Agreed. There is still so much we need to experience together.”

“Yeah, like making love.”

He gave me a reproachful look but there was little sincerity there and I was pretty sure he was as eager to continue our physical exploration as I was.

I decided to change the subject for the moment. “Any news?”

Spock nodded. “They have apprehended some members of Khan’s crew, but not all of them, not Joachim, and not Khan himself.”

“Okay. Anything else?”

“They have raided a hiding place for those that worked with Admiral Marcus. There have been arrests."

“Good. Excellent.” I sighed. “I really need to get out of this bed so I can—"

“No,” Spock said, immediately and harshly.

“Relax, Spock. I’m just going to—"

“Stay in bed,” Bones said, reentering the hospital room. “I’ll strap you in if I have to.”

I almost said I could probably break the restraints if I wanted to, but I didn’t want to go there. Not with them. “You won’t have to,” I promised. “I just feel helpless here.”

“Yeah, I know, but you getting completely well is the end game, Jim,” Bones said.

I searched Spock’s eyes. “How’s the old man?”

“He is fine, Jim, and anxious for your welfare. I am certain he would be very upset if he had any idea that you would try to leave your hospital bed to put yourself in danger once more,” Spock said pointedly.

I could feel my cheeks heat. “I know. I know. Okay. God, you two win. As usual.”

“Now you’re talking,” Bones said cheerfully. “Food?”

I nodded. “Starving.”

“I’ll be right back with something.”

“Kiss me again,” I said to Spock when we were alone again. “I don’t think I can ever get enough.”

Spock’s eyes turned warm like melting chocolate. “Nor I.”

He leaned down and kissed me and for the moment, anyway, things were good.   


	45. Spock Prime

Jim was far too pale, still, for my liking, but I felt immeasurable relief when I entered his hospital room to find him sitting up in bed and looking alert.

I was gifted with one of his most beautiful smiles and if my aged heart skipped a beat or two, who could blame me?

“Jim. I am delighted to see you sitting up.”

“Hey you.” He held out his hand toward me. “Come here.”

Old age had softened by determination to remain stoic and logical at all costs, at least where Jim was concerned, so I eagerly went to his bedside and gave him my hand. He grasped onto mine and would not let go. I did not make him.

“Where is your Vulcan guard?”

He laughed warmly. “He needed a little time for meditation. I sent him away. Bones found a vacant conference room here in the hospital for him to use.”

“I am surprised he let you out of his sight.”

“It wasn’t easy to convince him. But he was leaning to one side.” Blue eyes searched my face. “And you? You okay?”

“I am fine, Jim. I am filled with guilt and remorse for the ordeal you had to endure simply in order to rescue a foolish old Vulcan.”

“Hey, don’t do that. You aren’t to blame.” He patted the bed with the hand not holding mine. “Sit down. I don’t want you standing.”

Jim Kirk would always take care of others, I realized. I sat on the bed as he commanded.

“They wouldn’t have even abducted you if it wasn’t to get to me,” Jim said. “You bear no responsibility.”

“Nor do you,” I returned. “You did not ask for the super blood that revived you.” I paused. “I am grateful for that, however.”

His gentle smile faded. “Not sure we should have messed with that.”

“Doctor McCoy, you mean.”

“Yeah and Spock. I mean I’m alive and all, but…well. You know all about being revived by extraordinary means. Look who I’m talking to.”

“Indeed,” I acknowledged. “More members of Khan’s people have been rounded up, Jim, but Khan himself still eludes us.”

“He has too many people helping him. And Joachim?”

“They have captured him. He will not talk.”

“Didn’t think he would. Marcus’ bunch?”

“Some arrests, some evasions. It is a process.” I squeezed his hand. “You look exhausted.”

He rolled his eyes. “All I do is rest. Just before you got here I was sleeping.” He sighed and leaned his head back against the bed. “I’ve been suspended.”

Alarmed, I asked, “On what grounds?”

“Health. Mental. Until they can determine what happened to me didn’t make me a few marbles short.”

I frowned slightly. “I am sorry, Jim. I know how you feel about psychological evaluations. However, I am certain you can pass any number of tests with, as your Earth saying goes, flying colors.”

Jim waved this off. “Yeah. And anyway, the Enterprise is still undergoing repairs from the whole warp core incident. It’s not like we were going out into space tomorrow.”

“But?”

“What if they ground me permanently, Spock? I don’t know if I can handle that.”

“First of all, I believe that you can handle anything, but more importantly, they will not. You are the best they have, Jim. They would not.”

He snorted. “Please. You’re thinking of _your_ t’hy’la. This is me. Totally different.”

I gazed at him reproachfully. “Technically, you are my t’hy’la. However I understand the sentiment behind your declaration. Jim, you have saved countless lives. Whole planets, including Earth, two times over. I promise you that Starfleet absolutely wants you in command of the Enterprise.”

“Okay,” he said softly. “Are you sure you’re all right? You look a little peaked.”

“I have been running myself a little ragged,” I admitted. “But I will spend some time resting when I leave here from visiting you.”

“Elder,” Spock spoke from the door.

“Hey,” Jim said with a welcoming smile. “You’re back.”

Spock’s gaze zeroed in on our joined hands but his expression remained serene.

“Spock, can you maybe get us both some hot tea?” Jim asked with all the polish of the best diplomats.

And there was no way Spock would refuse. I should know as I would not either. I doubted either of us would refuse Jim much of anything.

“Yes, I will be right back,” Spock promised and disappeared once more.

My lips twitched. “He is still jealous.”

Jim blushed a little. “Oh come on.”

“It amazes me sometimes that you still do not understand how appealing you can be.” I shook my head. Jim was an enigma. He would flash a flirtatious smile at a member of any gender but deep down he really did not know there was more to him than simple sex appeal.

“Well, anyway, I don’t think he’s jealous,” Jim insisted. He searched my face. “What are your plans now?”

“For the immediate future I intend to stay in San Francisco until I am certain you are completely safe and that your well-being is optimal. Eventually, however, I must make my way back to New Vulcan.”

His gaze turned downcast. “Do you have to?”

“There is still many tasks that I have assigned myself to with the rebuilding of the Vulcan race and our colony.”

“Couldn’t you do that from here?”

“Jim. What is it you fear?”

He sighed then and raised his gaze once more to my face. “I just…when you leave I’m thinking that might be the last time we see each other.”

I squeezed his hand. “That is likely.”

“Spock.”

“Jim, you must understand how it is for me at this point in my life. Everyone I have ever known, cared about, is gone. My father, my mother, my Jim. All my friends, the crew I had known for years. And while I can definitely appreciate those crew here in this timeline, it is…”

“Not the same,” he said softly.

“No, it is not. The experiences I had, we had, in my time, are different than those you have all experienced. Even our interaction with Khan was a different experience. My existence here, however fortuitous, is not quite right.”

“We’re not quite right,” Jim said, biting his lip. “Especially me.”

I reached my other hand to touch his face, caressing his smooth cheek. “Negative. You remain my favorite being in any universe, in any timeline. That will never change.”

A throat cleared in the doorway and I was unsurprised to turn to see my young counterpart returning to Jim’s hospital room holding two cups of tea.

I released Jim’s hand and stood. “Here, Spock, you may take my place.”

He opened his mouth on a retort I was certain would be rather blistering but something in Jim’s eyes stopped him and he remained silent as he handed me one of the cups and the other to Jim.

“Thanks,” Jim said with a smile that lit up the room. Indeed, why my young counterpart was jealous when Jim was very clearly quite smitten with him, I was unsure. He had nothing at all to worry about.

Spock sat where I had recently vacated and reached for Jim’s free hand. I noticed he threaded their fingers together.

I pulled over a chair and sat to drink my tea, observing them. There was a peace that came over each of them when they were near each other. I knew that feeling, even if it had been all too brief with my own t’hy’la.

It had me feeling torn between pleasure at seeing Jim get what he most definitely deserved and melancholia because I missed this relationship with my own Jim. An eternity had passed since I’d held my own captain’s hand.

“Hey, are you all right?” Jim asked, his gaze going to me. It was easy to read the concern on his face.

“Yes, Jim,” I gave him the assurance he needed. “Just lost in thought.” I took a few more sips of the tea and then stood. “And, for now, I will take my leave.”

“What? You don’t have to leave.”

“I need rest, Jim. I will return in a few hours to see you. Do not be concerned.”

He watched me, his blue gaze all too assessing. I was certain he was not at all fooled. But he gave me a smile, nonetheless, and a nod of understanding.

“All right. I’ll see you later.”

I headed for the door and looked back in time to see Spock leaning forward to kiss Jim’s lips and murmur softly to him. Though my own heart wept, I smiled slightly, and departed.


End file.
